Saying no a playdate

[Youbutterbelieve]

DC2(6) has made a friend in her new school. Kid seems fine, she's coming over for a play tomorrow after much nagging by DD.

I think at some point we'll get an invite back but I absolutely do not want DD going over to their house. DD does have playdates with other friends at their houses and I'm not a helicopter mum but I really don't feel this home is one I'd want DD in.

How do I say no? I don't want to offend the mum or cause issues with DD friendship.

Based on your updated reasons for saying no, you are definitely not BU and if you’d added more details in your OP I’d be surprised if you didn’t get 100% Not BUs!

The poster who suggested stating your DD is shy at others’ houses has the right approach, but I’m also in agreement that your DD is unlikely to receive an invitation anytime soon.

I personally would be going out of my way to invite your DD’s friend over for weekly play dates (if not more) to ensure she has a decent meal, positive role models, safe environment etc, and just to be an additional protective factor in her life, but I appreciate this isn’t always possible/appropriate. Poor kid. Well done for caring and notifying school.

I’d be giving her a good meal, ask if she’d like a sandwich to take home (in a discreet bag with some stuff) and consider offering them a bath!

I'd be honest and say I don't want my dd around smoke and weed.

This sounds like my best friend when I was little, she basically lived with us half the time. My mum had to treat her for nits, feed her, all that. The chances of you being offered a play date in return are slim to none, I really don’t think you need to worry about it. Poor girl though, and it’s nice your DD is friends with her! A lot of kids pick up on other children’s neglect and treat them badly because of it.

I know it’s well meant but please do not offer a bath to another child in your house whether you think they are smelly or not!

Have you reported this to children's services? That is definitely something I'd report (I work in safeguarding).

If she's being neglected, you should contact social services in case school has not reported.

OP I totally get why you do not want your daughter to go and play at that house. It is lovely that your girl has made friends with this child and I hope they have many happy play dates at your home as you both sound lovely it will be a great experience for the other girl to be in a different environment

Don't worry they won't host a play date going by your description

I agree it sounds unlikely that poor little girl will be getting play dates at her own home. Good that the school are aware of her loving circumstances. If DD is her friend then perhaps you can have her over again. She probably loves being invited to other people’s “normal” homes.

You're totally not being unreasonable here, I wouldn't let my children go either. However, by the sounds of it I don't think they're going to be interested in offering a playdate back so I wouldn't worry. If they do a simple 'oh so sorry, DD doesn't like going to others houses as she gets very shy - why doesn't your daughter come to ours instead? We don't mind at all' should sort it.

You can't do any of this other than give a good meal.

OP you are not being unreasonable. I've found myself in a similar situation when my daughter's best friend had very lax parents and big aggressive looking dogs. The excuse I gave was she doesn't like going to others houses. The mum was persistent but I just kept saying no and she eventually got the picture and stopped asking. We're not being judgemental or anything, we all just want to protect our kids and know they aren't in harms way.

Your first post was pointless OP. You're not wishing to decline a playdate because the front garden wasn't mowed or you saw yesterday's pots in the kitchen sink. You have valid safeguarding concerns. From what you say I would be reporting my concerns to your local safeguarding team and go with your gut when it comes to leaving your dd there.

Just FYI the most unsafe thing that happened to me as a child was when I went on a playdate with a girl from a very similar family. I was only a year or 2 older than OP's child so it's a very distant memory but we went up the street by ourselves to see a friend. The 'friend' was a middle aged man. I have a very vague memory of him being alone with my friend in his house for a while. I didn't witness anything specific but as an adult it haunts me to this day because I just know now that this situation was all kinds of wrong. God knows what did/could have happened. I was too young and naive to realise how wrong it was at the time.

PROTECT YOUR CHILD

I really doubt they will offer and if they do you obviously will have no qualms in saying ‘no thanks - it’s easier for us to host’ or anything really. But I don’t think it’s something you’ll have to worry about! If they are not supervising their child they definitely won’t want any other children over.

Yikes, poor girl. I doubt they would offer for a play date at theirs from your description. If they do, just make up an excuse, but don't worry about it until that time comes. We have had friends come to ours, but not offer for play dates back or perhaps a year down the line they finally do, but some families are just not big on play dates. I prefer park meet ups anyway.

You’d actually have to speak directly to the mum
in order to say no to her/ offend her, and by the sounds of things you’ve never met the woman. Say no to your dd - you don’t have to give her a reason so she shouldn’t be able to parrot anything to her wee friend and come across as unkind. If the mother is that concerned about having your dd over for a play date (doubtful), she can then ask you directly.

‘Sorry but I’m just a bit nervous about DD going to the house of someone I don’t know well.. she’s welcome here though’

I highly doubt they're going to do a playdate invite! What a sad situation, poor child.

I think your DD is extremely unlikely to be invited to a playdate at her friend's house but I just want to say how great it is that you are welcoming a child from a very different background into your home. It's important for this little girl to see another side of life, and a different way of parenting. I'm always concerned when a child is smelly. Good on you for reporting your concerns.

They sound too stoned to be capable of texting a playdate invitation. If they did, they'd be too stoned to remember it, anyway. I wouldn't let my child go into that house either, OP. Poor little girl.

So dd has already been invited over. I told them we were on holiday (we were) and then I've invited her here on this occasion but I do think she will get an invite back - thanks to you lot I'm now armed with a miriad of excuses!

I see mum fairly regularly at school pick up.

I'm a social worker so don't worry, I've done my due diligence in this particular case!

I'm worried that the mum will get offended and want to stop her DD playing with mine at school and there's only 3 other girls in the class.

I was about to say that I am a social worker and I have made decisions that my kid isn't going to particular friends houses. It's tricky the first time you say 'no I am afraid it's not possible', but it gets easier.

Poor little girl

Oh, hadn't realised DD has already been invited over. Do they have a cat? A cat allergy (I have one) occasionally comes in useful when I'm seeking a get-out.