To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Wow. Have any of the other bridesmaids said anything?

how do you know about them going up to your suite and how did they get into it?

if all this is as you have described, then the friendship is over, of course. I would want to know why but you might never find out.

They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite

I dread to ask but how do you know this?

Oh @FromMissToMrs there's got to be some back story - is she peeved, rightly or wrongly, about something that happened previously? Her behaviour sounds utterly shitty, and the s*x part is downright disgusting - almost like a dog revenge marking it's territory. I don't know if I could go on with a friendship after that, though might want to ask 'what the absolute hell?'.
Congratulations on your marriage though. ❤️💐❤️

Were you Bridezilla?

This. It wouldn't surprise me if she was jealous.

Hope you have a lovely honeymoon and are able to forget about this while you are there

How was her behaviour towards you in the run-up to the wedding? Did this odd behaviour on the day come out of the blue?

Even if OP was, the behaviour from the MOH is shocking!

All of this - except the sex part - happened to me, too. After the wedding, she waited for the photos and then stopped talking to me for six months.

We don't talk anymore. I still have no idea why.

The bridal suite didn't have a lock, and it was open because we had a couple of older guests who needed someone to sit quietly when they were getting tired, so they were using the sofa area of it as needed. Hoping none of them went up at that time! Maid of honour knew it was being used for this purpose.

Knew it had happened because my husband nipped up to use the loo & caught them sitting in there looking very guilty, but wad unsure, however my friend who did my make up confirmed that when she went up to get something from her back she heard it happening.

She was super excited to be asked to be my MOH and seemed enthusiastic initially, planned the hen do & that went well but everything seemed to go really quiet after that. I let her choose her dress, so don't think I was a bridezilla, only thing I specified was she wanted to add a sparkly belt & silver shoes to it & I said no to the belt & asked for her shoes to be in cream, off white or ivory but in any style she wanted, just explained with the English country vibe we were going for I didn't think sparkly silver would work.

I paid for her dress, hair, make up & accessories, everything apart from her shoes, which I offered to pay for but she said she had sorted.

I tried to make sure she was okay in the run up, didn't get her to do a speech because I knew she wouldn't like that. It felt like I did a lot more looking after her than she did looking after me.

I think we only know half the story here so it's impossible to vote.

The thing that rings alarm bells for me is that your list of things that annoyed you includes "she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested" - now who the fuck cares about that? And if you are that picky about what shoes she buys, how many thousands of other things have you been picky about for your dream day which she did agree to? This suggests to me that you've been a massive Bridezilla all along, and she mostly acquiesced and did what you wanted but drew the line at buying a pair of shoes she didn't like because no one looks at the MOH shoes, and she reached the wedding day having totally spent all the positive feelings she used to have for your friendship due to the sheer number of Bridezilla moments over the preceding months.

This is of course wild Speculation. But I wouldn't vote on whether or not YABU without hearing her side.

Maybe she was burnt out and had had enough by the time the wedding came around.

I don't think it's great for the MOH to wear the same shoes as the bride tbh - there are literally thousands of different shoes out there! It's like a subtle undermining.

Wow I can't believe she had sex in the suite, hiw tacky and gross. Given she was off all day, I'm assuming she was jealous. Rude about the shoes too. Bin this one, she's no friend. Glad you had a great day

From just hearing your side of the story it would appear that she was out of order, particularly with the sex in your room. Can you absolutely 100% believe your other friend is telling the truth that she heard it happening? (just gross).

Not sure I'd get uptight with her wearing the same shoes as the bride. She suggested some, you said no so her absolute safe bet was to buy the same ones as you to make sure she was fitting in with what you wanted. That way you couldn't kick off about her wearing the 'wrong shoes', colour or sparkly.

For her to have been MOH, she must have been a close friend? Why can't you just phone/text her and ask her what the problem is?

Yeah, it’s possible OP was a but Bridezilla and she had had enough of wedding related issues by the wedding.

But sex in the bridal suite is grim whatever.

Exactly who the fuck cares. So why wear the same shoes as the bride, that is weird! She's sounds like a bitch. OP doesn't sound like a Bridezilla at all, and even if she was, no need to go out of the way to ruin the day.

She sounds jealous. You do right to refrain from messaging her first, let her get on with it and you enjoy married life!

But still had enough energy for a shag on the sofa in OPs room.

It’s all hearsay though isn’t it?

You’re ridiculous to care that she wore the same shoes as you.

The rest is valid - but this woman was your maid of honour so I assume is your best friend, someone you know really well? Is this out of the blue? Out of character? Or has she always been a bit petty/jealous/not happy for people, it’s just never been you on the receiving end of it before? What’s her partner like?

I think the sex part is worse because it puts a different light on the rest of it. Being distant, not dancing, leaving early etc could all be due to something going on that day that you weren’t aware of (some bad news she or her partner had, they didn’t want to tell you and ruin the day, but weren’t quite able to put on a totally convincing act that everything was fine) and I think that would be very understandable and totally fine. But sneaking off to have sex in the bridal suite suggests that that is not the case.

As is everything we read on Mumsnet. What are you expecting the OP to provide? A signed affidavit?

Looking guilty and one person claiming to clear noises doesn’t necessarily mean they were having sex. I would be worried and checking on her for leaving early.

Maybe they are going through a miscarriage or have something else going on.

Unless she was wearing the same dress as you no one cares about the shoes so you’re being ridiculous there.

is she having infertility issues do you think? Whilst your wedding may be all encompassing to you she still has a life and I’d assume from her behaviour she’s got something big happening in it that she can’t talk to you about right now.

Sounds more like jealousy.

Shut your thoughts down on this one.

Everything else was lovely so shove her in a box and bang the lid down. Compartmentalise in other words.

Have a lovely honeymoon and literally forget all about her. How much do you need her in your new life? Move on.