To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

No idea why people have focused on the shoes rather than the shagging and leaving early. Weird priorities there.

It does sound as if your MoH was behaving out of character either that’s been brought on by her boyfriend or something else at play. Talk to her - I would hope for an apology. If she’s not prepared to talk then I think this will hang over your friendship.

have a lovely honeymoon.

Wow... what she did is strange, territory marking and very rude.... she is right - you should be fucking furious.

Not being around for photos, the meal and helping you with your dress is weird... but fucking in the bridal suite is insane.

Message: I had a wonderful day on my wedding and I am glad I asked you to be my MOH because we have been friends for 20 years. However, of course I know you had sex in the bridal suite and I am a total loss as to why you would do this.

I'm another one who thinks it's down to the new partner. Your friend is probably not in a very good place now as she knows she's let you down.
Have a fabulous honeymoon!

Why not use their own room then? To me it looks more like small ways to express jealousy or to attempt to spoil the day without doing a thing that she could be called up on. Quite sneaky really.

Im also assuming fertility issues (& extremely bad manners) but you are not being unreasonable. She was a bitch

I'm also concerned your new DH is telling you not to reach out

It does sound like she is in an abusive relationship and her new partner is trying to ruin her current friendships. Cutting her off is the worst thing right now

Message her when you are back. Let her know you're around.

Don't let your DH start to cut you off from your friends too

Ignore the bridezilla comments, OP, don't waste your time answering to them.

Just having a wedding is enough to get you accused of being a bridezilla on here.

I think it depends if it was a n intentional £ fuck you then, I'll wear the exact same shoes" or if it was a coincidence.

even then it's just shoes

I think this is your answer. I bet the new guy is controlling and wanted to keep her close throughout the wedding - preventing her from circulating freely and chatting to people - and also strongarmed her into having sex in the bridal suite. I once dated a guy like this and ended up doing things in places I didn't want to because it was easier than dealing with his bad moods, which were frightening. It would explain all of this and makes much more sense than "she's annoyed you didn't let her wear silver shoes," which is a total red herring imo.

my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me

This is what I would do - focus on your new marriage and have a wonderful honeymoon!

I think you have every right to be annoyed OP. However it sounds like it might be a blessing in disguise that she couldn't be found for the professional photos at least that way you don't need to pay to get her edited out!

I would say its fairly abhorrent behaviour to have sex in the bridal suite!

In your case I think dignified silence and move on. She will know her behaviour was bad hence telling the friend not to tell you.

Don't let it tarnish your day though and enjoy your honeymoon.

You don't sound anything like a Bridezilla, I'm a bridesmaid for my friend who is getting married and I'm very happy to wear whatever dress and shoes she decides on, the fact you were happy for her to wear anything she wanted means you clearly weren't overbearing at all.

I'd be really upset in your situation, MOH is meant to be there to help the bride through the day and she did the exact opposite of that. I'd want to message her and find out what the hell she was playing at.

I agree. Or she could have been talking about the fact OP hated her wearing the same shoes when it was the only pair she could find/knew they'd fit 'the vibe'... Then saw DH.

You have got most of MN sl*gging her off for having sex in the suite, when it's not proven. Not nice.

Focus on the shoes and not the shit MOH behaviour - classic MN <eye roll>

OP - go enjoy your honeymoon, she sounds like a DICK. YANBU.

The shoes wouldn't bother me. Most of the other items, though ungracious, can be summed up as 'she was in a bad mood' and how I'd judge that would depend on whether something bad was happening in her life, or whether she was just being capricious.

But the sex thing is BIZARRE and of course quite inappropriate.

I think a negative influence from the boyfriend is a more likely explanation than jealousy. Either way, it's not pleasant.

As you know her well enough to have chosen her as MOH, I think you could ask her straight out what was going on.

She sounds to me like one of those women that drops their friends when a bloke comes along. Not that she did drop you totally, but dropped you enough to treat you like shit on a really big day for you, when her role was to support you. I'm guessing he didn't want to go to your wedding and she had to pander to him bigtime to placate him.

There is that clichéd saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe it. She's shown you how she feels about you (and she KNOWS how you'd feel about her shagging in the bridal suite, because she said it to your other friend).

I'd say her behaviour has ended your relationship unless she does major repair work. Which it doesn't look as if she plans to.

How do you know your friend who said she heard them is telling the truth ?

It is her wedding! The moh was probably jealous of the op. She wanted to wear sparkly silver shoes at a wedding. I've performed at weddings only. If I was ever to get married it would be a private ceremony I wouldn't want fake friends at my wedding.

I’m relieved you didn’t message to check she’s alright. This is on her, and it’s your call for if you feel like replying when she does message. I’d mute her for your honeymoon tbh. She’s been so rude.

Put her out of your mind if you can. She’s either got something going on or she’s not the friend you hoped she was. You should go and have a fabulous honeymoon, forget about it for a while x

Her behaviour was piss poor.

I would arrange a coffee with her and ask her straight out what gives and decide after that whether to dump her.

Truly shitty behaviour.

My sister was an asshole at my wedding (and I got her daughter as a bridesmaid done up in my least favourite colour as a result). She knew I wouldn't say anything on the day so, like with the rest of our lives, she chose that moment to be her usual manipulative self.

I haven't spoken to her in 18 years and the day I made the decision to go NC was one of the best days of my life.

Regardless of if you were a bridezilla or not - her behaviour is really off- she should have been around for you -who knows why - people are odd - jealousy possibly?

If I am a bridesmaid, I expect to be told what to wear, to fit the scheme of the day - that is absolutely not bridezilla behaviour

Thank goodness she didn’t ruin your day! But she has done enough to cast a shadow. I would not allow her to wreck your honeymoon. Just mute your phone and have a wonderful time with your new husband. She would be getting no more oxygen from me!

I was going to say just ask her what the matter was, you chose her to be your MOH so you must be very close friends, and in light of your update I would definitly reach out when you get back from your honeymoon, it could have been her partner being a very needy controlling arshole; and even if she doesn't open up she knows your there for her.
In the meantime congratulations and have a fantastic honeymoon op.