To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

As the bride, l’d have been annoyed if she wore the same shoes. And OP updated to confirm events in the run up to the wedding - doesn’t sound anything like bridezilla.

I don't get where all the bridezilla accusations are coming from. I can't think of any circumstances where it's ok for anyone nevermind MOH to pop up to the bridal suite for a quickie during the wedding!

@Swiftie1878 I'd love a backstory, it would make it clearer to me but honestly nope, we have been friends through so much & have both had pretty big ups & downs & stuck by each other.

She's honestly an amazing friend normally & she is so kind, this has completely thrown me.

The only change is this new partner, and my mum did say she saw him being harsh to my MOH, so I'm wondering if something is going on there that she hasn't shown me because she didn't want to burden me before my wedding but that is literally all I can think of.

I have been a bridesmaid twice and the shoes were chosen by the bride both times - one time I paid for them. I don't think the OP is unreasonable at all.
The sex part is horrendous and not being there for the photos is pretty bad too. Is she very wrapped up in her new relationship?

This is how people behave when they are suffering from acute jealousy. It's an ugly thing for sure especially having sex in your honeymoon suite, that is absolutely rank. It's like marking her territory. I'd ditch her if I was you you don't need friends like that. I had a friend like that once we don't speak any more.

OP you don’t sound like you were a bridezilla at all, ignore those ridiculous replies. Your MOH sounds jealous to me. Who on earth knowingly chooses to wear the same shoes as the bride? And sex in the bridal suite, even worse so knowing people are using it to rest, is just plain wrong.

OP explained this in her updates. She wasn’t stewing on anything - she just explained that silver and sparky would jar with the overall look they were going for. I’d be a tad annoyed as the bride, if the MOH wore the same shoes as me.

I think it’s unfair to be so confident she had sex in the bridal suite when it was a subjectively “guilty look” and noises.
It sounds like she’s done a lot in the run up for you, maybe she was distant for the photos as she knew she didn’t want to be friends after this event.

You sound very nit picky and looking for fault in her behaviour.

So just to clarify, she has two children, and a new partner? If so, I wonder if she is jealous of some fantasy of how perfect your marriage and life are

I hope you and your new husband will have a long and happy marriage, and in the context of this MoH behaviour is trivial. Forget it, move on and make the most of your new marriage.

Me neither! It sounds very reasonable to ask the MoH not to wear the same shoes. And the OP hasn't given out any kind of Bridezilla vibes.

OP, her behaviour in general wasn't great, but the sex in the bridal suite was totally out of order.

I'd carry on as you've decided, and if she gets in touch ask her about it, but otherwise have a lovely honeymoon and leave things!

Sounds as if you had burned through the friendship by being a controlling bride. She turned up on the day in order not to let you down, but that was it.

From what you say the bridal suite was being used by a number of people to store their stuff and go for a break and a rest. Hardly precious private space. They didn't use your bedroom or bed, and no one saw them at it. Of course your husband and the woman who did your make-up knew you were already bitching about your MOH and wanted to keep the right side of you, so were hardly unbiased observers.

You sound like a total nightmare to me. I'm team MOH. Friends before shoes. I hope you'll look back on this thread at some point and feel remorse.

She sounds awful. Weddings are incredibly stressful things for brides and my advice is to forget about her and focus on your honeymoon and all the good people in your life. Don’t bother calling her but let the friendship slide. Don’t let it spoil your memories xxx

OMG I had a wedding with 12 people total, couldn't tell you what fucking shoes they were wearing on the day ..

I would be my life her behaviour is down to her dickhead new partner. Go enjoy your honeymoon and forget about her - then maybe check in with her when you are back to see if all is ok. You don’t sound like you ABU in the way you are feeling.

Just forget about it and move on. There was perhaps something else going on in her head/life on the day.

There are always dramas at weddings - it's par for the course! As long as police weren't called, I wouldn't worry.

Saying she can't have silver or cream shoes does sound a bit mad - no one wants to buy coloured shoes they can't wear again. I also don't know why you were continually wanting her during the day - I can't think of a single reason that I needed my MOH during the day of my wedding.

Forget the shoes, concentrate on the big staff, ie not being available for photo, being distant, leaving early (you don't say how early).

I do not get the sex business, sounds tacky to me and unlikely unless she and he are known to like a bit of danger, eg someone walking in. You say you don't know him well, he's not been on the scene long so presumably is not the father of her children. Is he a negative influence? There are all sorts of possible reasons for her behaviour.

You must ask her, tell her how you feel (don't mention the shoes, nobody was going to notice those), that you are hurt because you thought she was a good friend. Give her an opportunity to explain if she can.

why can't you approach your friend and ask her what happened? If you've known each other that long and truly are god friends... just ask?

I don’t think asking someone to not wear the same shoes as the bride is fussy tbh, just seems like basic etiquette

I thought I was going mad - it just seems like a no no, like wearing white to a wedding etc.

Wow absolutely disgusting behaviour by the MOH, just vile and disrespectful. I mean, the same shoes ?!??!!!!!

Read the updates - the friend who did OP’s make up nipped up to get something from her bag and heard them having sex on the sofa in the bridal suite. There’s nothing remotely nit picky in anything OP has said, and she’s looking for reasons for the behaviour, not to find fault. Or have you missed the bit about her mum witnessing a harsh exchange between MOH and her new partner ?

Sadly, a few times I have seen weddings trigger the end of long friendships.

Different immediate reasons but mostly it's just the realisation that you have all changed. The run up to the wedding holds things together but the wedding itself may show things in a different light.

It's possible that you will return to this friendship later in life. But for now you may need to let go of it.

I read a lot of bridezilla threads on here and I don't think the OP is one. People are giving her a weirdly hard time.

I think I'd notice if my MOH/dear friend didn't dance with me at my wedding.
And there's nothing wrong or bridezilla about wanting a particular feel to your wedding.
And she absolutely didn't need to buy the same shoes as the bride; she was given a clear brief, but with a lot of leeway, as to how the bride wanted them to look.
Maybe it is to do with the new-ish partner. In which case, maybe the friendship is salvageable, if she lets the OP support her if she needs it.

If your only stipulation was no silver, then I can't see the issue. She wanted to wear a silver belt and shoes, but you said no. I don't constitute this as being a Bridezilla. If it's the fact you said no to her silver belt and accessories, when you've given her more or less free reign on the rest, then that's bad on her part. Disappearing and being unable to be found for photos, being distant, not talking to guests, no interaction with the groom/barely any with the bride and leaving early (without telling you?) is really poor behaviour. As for having sex with her new partner in the bridal suite, that's dreadful, especially as she knew you'd be upset. I think you have every right to be angry and upset. I wouldn't contact her, see if she attempts to contact you.