To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

For everyone who thinks the OP sounds reasonable: the title of the thread is 'AIBU to feel totally betrayed....' Totally betrayed is when you find your MOH in flagrante delicto with your husband of a. few hours. If the OP had said 'to feel miffed' and then wondered what was going on I'd cut her some slack. But the list of gripes sounds obsessive to me.

Are you the MOH?

controlling because she asked to get different shoes, one thing?

maybe bride should have stipulated no shagging in the bridal suite but any decent person would know not to do that to one of their best friends! How scummy is a person to do that to their best friend on their wedding day.

I could not agree more!

Also agree that the 'bridal suite' was clearly being used by everyone as a rest spot, and a bit of illicit shagging at a wedding is par for the course. Haven't you see Four Weddings...? It's tawdry but that's weddings for you...

I think that maybe the new partner is controlling. He didn't know anyone at the wedding and wanted her to stay with him and then made her leave early

So?

That's your wedding

Other people have different ideas

And the OP would only have been a bridezilla if she'd insisted on XYZ and made the bridesmaids pay. But she didn't. SHE paid. So she could choose what she liked

@FromMissToMrs When will you get the chance to speak to her?

I was co-MOH (I know this isn’t a thing) at a wedding where the other MOH behaved so similarly, but it started before the hen do. It was pure jealousy and made her look so pathetic.

She also left the wedding early, after telling the bride to “have a nice life” and walking away.

Some women just never grow out of the mean girl stage.

Her maid of honour had sex in the bridal suite during the wedding, didn’t show up for the wedding photos and left early without telling anyone. So basically didn’t do any of the MOH stuff. I’d feel pretty betrayed by that to be honest

I think it was all about new man, nothing to do with you. If you've been friends for ages, she organised your hen etc thrn I'd just leave it. The sex part is bad .

Some of these comments are fucking ridiculous, I should never have mentioned the shoes & as I said, on there own not an issue at all & will never mention them to her. Also for whoever said I said she had to have coloured ones, I really didn't, just not silver, even told her cream, ivory, white etc.. totally fine.

Those say why did I have to keep looking for her, for things like when the photographer was trying to do the group shots, when it was time to eat, when I needed help with my dress (she knew where the bustle bit was, she'd asked before hand)

With regards to other things, mostly I didn't notice on the day, I was having an amazing day, but when your husband is totally upset about how your closest friend has behaved, it kind of makes you look back & notice things.

I'm a very relaxed, forgiving person, but my husband is worried I am too kind & that I will just accept this as to not upset her & he doesn't want her to think her behaviour was acceptable.

Hence me not messaging, not checking she is okay, not being the fixer & taking a step back.

She fucked up, not me, I'm hurt & really surprised & just wondered how to handle it.

Thanks for all the messages of support & for those who saw it differently, its helped for me to see the balance of things.

If she thinks I was too demanding, obviously I'm sorry for that but even if that was the case I don't think that warrants her behaviour

This, precisely, it sounds like he made it all about him on the day and probably pressured her into having sex in your room!

To shag in your bridal suite is out of order

Do you think the new partner was the one who was the cause of the sex in the bridal suite? And the cause of her absence and leaving early?

If you've known her 20 years, then it seems like what's changed is this man on the scene. Be careful, she could be in a bad situation.

Shoes are petty but it sounds like the OP was reasonable, she just listed that first to set the scene. If she'd wanted specific ones she should have been really clear. That's 'forget it' territory.

The sex thing was thoughtless. Trying to do something spontaneous with a new boyfriend. It put the friend in a position and now the OP. I think the friend should have said 'not cool Janice. That's her wedding suite. I won't lie if asked but I won't upset her. That was a bit public'. Similarly leaving early sounds unusual.

I think there might be something in the new BF being a bit dodgy if this is out of character. Try and put it behind you. Plenty of people have had sex in that room if it helps.

Thanks for answering all out follow up questions so frankly. The bridezilla trope is hard to balance with the friend's POV as women have so much responsibility on both sides but this was not really on.

How do you feel about it? You could ask her now that it's got back to you? Maybe lightly? She may say it was lighthearted they got carried away and she's mortified. If . honest I'm not entirely sure. All sorts of hijinks happen at weddings, maybe you'll come to a funny side in time even. Not minimising, I'd just say approach openly and see how she is.

And as you have also said - even the other guests noticed the MOH's behaviour and absence, so she must have been pretty bad IMHO.

Burnt out? 🙄🙄😆 She was MOH at a wedding, most of us have been there without getting "burnt out".

How do you know about the sex in your suite?

She has feelings for you or your DH, or is plain jealous of you. I dont see how you come back from this. I'd message her after your honeymoon to ask her what's going on with her, even if you get no response.

And I had 6 at mine, also couldn't have told you what shoes they were wearing, but i understand not everyone would feel that way. I genuinely wouldn't have cared if someone wore the same shoes as me at my wedding, equally I think it's a weird choice to make and would never do it myself. I think it's a very small ask on the bride's part actually.

OP, you are on your honeymoon and fretting about this. Let it go.

You have said in your last post that you aren't contacting her because your husband wants her to think her behaviour was unacceptable - so you haven't even asked her if she is okay?

That's more worrying to me than your OP! Do what YOU think is right. If your friend seems off, drop her a line and check in!

Do you think perhaps her new partner is a bit controlling, and didn't like the fact that she would (or should have) put you first on the big day so kept her 'busy' away from you as much as he could, and nagged her to leave early, so he could have her to himself?

I think something is going on with her new boyfriend. You need to decide whether you check in with her to check she is ok or you just leave it.

So MOH has sex in the bridal suite during the wedding, fails to show up for the wedding photos, isn’t there to help the bride, doesn’t speak to guests and leaves early without telling anyone. So she actually didn’t do any of the MOH stuff that was her responsibility. And you think that’s acceptable ? Maybe OP has a low bar for ‘tawdry’ - movies and real life weddings are not the same thing.

Who takes on the task of MOH when they know they don't want to be friends after the event???

Some of you have very weird views on friendship

I think there's a bit of a difference between older relatives sitting in the bridal suite for awhile when they feel tired and people seeking it out to have sex in.

I presume your comment about Four Weddings… is deliberately flippant, but just in case: that is fiction.

I think you have two options. One is just to ignore but that will escalate and there is no real closure. Or two is to just have it out with her. Either option is not going to end well. She sounds horrible to me, I’d be happy to cut her out.

Have a message ready to go in case she messages you.

I was really disappointed in how you behaved on my wedding day. I could never find you! You aren’t in any photos, you were in a right strop and to top it all you were shagging in the bridal suite! What the fuck happened to you that day? You are my best friend, the kindest, best person I know. The girl I chose to be my MOH. You picked that one day to completely change personality. You were never there, everyone noticed. Just bizarre behaviour Amy and I don’t know if we can move on from it.

And if she was? Whats that got to do with ruining the actual day? If she was happy enough to turn up in the moh dress then she should have actually acted like a moh too.