To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Can’t believe some people would think that the MOH choosing Bridal shoes is normal.
Of course it’s not normal. It’s passive aggressive and undermining.
This MOH was out of order. The friendship is done. What a nasty person OP. Glad the rest of your day was perfect. Forget her.

OP updated fairly quickly that MoH has no fertility issues, has two children and is not ttc. And MoH confessed to a friend that she had had sex in the bridal suite - asked her not to say anything as she knew OP would be angry.

The maid of honour - clearly NOT thinkin clearly doin it wrong
> As maid of honour, should be supportin the bride
BUT
> If maid of honour WANTED to, get a dig back at, get one over ... the bride
LET the bride HAVE her day uninterrupted
> but at the SAME time, be BETTER than the bride - on the brides day

Not sure how any of this is relevant to OP, unless you’re taking the Bridezilla stance.

How awful of her. Even if you HAD been bridezilla, or she had been wronged in some other way, it was immature and cruel behaviour. A good friend who felt wronged would surely have gently taken you to one side and said something in advance of the day?

I would forget about her if you can for now, and enjoy your honeymoon, then reach out neutrally when you get back just to see what she has to say for herself. Don’t give her headspace. If you feel not knowing what was behind her behaviour will impact your time away, you could reach out to her beforehand. But you may not get a satisfactory explanation.

New boyfriend isn’t a very nice man I would guess. Her behaviour in the lead up was fine but when he’s there on the day it seems she acted completely out of character.

You don't behave like a complete sh*t on your best friend's wedding day, whatever is going on in your life.
My sister's youngest got married in November and I felt like DEATH - of course I attended and nobody knew there was anything wrong with me.
They still don't, because it was niece's special day.

Ohh I didn’t see that!
in that case her behaviour was completely unacceptable and disgraceful! I’d definitely not bother with this ‘friend’ in the future, she behaved in a despicable way!

I think you are blaming the wrong person.

I can't get over the fact that the MOH had sex in the bridal suite AND confessed to someone about it! It's the most disrespectful, mean and selfish behaviour I can imagine - on her supposed best friend's wedding day. What a low-life. They clearly got a spiteful kick out of 'marking the territory'. Ugh.

And there was pp a while back who said 'Isn't anyone else going to confess to having sex at a wedding?' What??? I'm not coming at this from a prudish angle - be as trashy as you like in your own time, I don't care - but it's the utter disregard for someone else's very special day. The self-obsession! If you're a guest, you're there to celebrate with them and show your happiness. And if you're a bridesmaid then your official role and duty should be the priority.

God - what sort of person would go to someone's wedding and think it's OK to have sex? If you really cannot control yourself, make a reasonable excuse - sudden illness, an emergency - and leave. There's a certain kind of person who thinks other people are titillated by the thought of them having sex. Well I'm not! Eeuw.

On re-reading some of the OP’s posts, it seems that her new husband is concerned by the MOH’s behaviour too. Some of the behaviour comes across at jealousy and I hate to say it, but I’m wondering if this is somehow connected with the groom.

Someone upthread referred to Four Weddings and A Funeral, suggesting that it’s a common occurrence. But IIRC wasn’t it the bride and groom themselves who had sex in the bridal suite during the celebrations, and not the guests ?

Yes - that's right! The lovely Sophie Thompson and ....er...that bloke with the 'tache...I'll think of his name in an minute. David Haig!

At least they WERE the happy couple and it was Hugh Grant who invaded their territory.

This reads as though there's a lot going on you didn't know about. If I had to make a bet, I would say she and her partner had a terrrible row, and she was upset and preoccupied, therefore not feeling festive, at least until the make-up sex (how did you know, anyway?) and left early as part of that whole scenario. The shoes are neither here nor there; she probably wanted to be comfortable. Not important.

I love these threads

They’re like a little peep hole in to a (thankfully) alien world to me! 😆

Time for chat and demand for honesty.
Without the chat, your feelings will simmer. And so may hers. We only have your perspective - what's hers? Has she got things going on that you don't know about? Is she happy in her relationship?
Be prepared to listen, and potentially think about where the relationship with her is going. Especially if it turns out to be purely a case of bitterness/jealousy.

This is someone’s life.

I would have to message and say that having sex in the bridal suite was massively out of order and out of character for her and is everything ok. Then enjoy the honeymoon. Weddings bring weird things out in people. One of my mates got with one of my ex's at my wedding and was worried the whole time we were in honeymoon about my reaction. I obviously wasn't bothered, he was an ex for a reason but people do strange things.

And?

It’s hardly life or death.

I also read threads like this and just end up feeling so much gratitude for my friends and family. So at least something positive comes out of it!

But presumably you both had full length dresses so who would even notice that you were wearing the same shoes?

Is this some new law that the bridesmaids all have to wear floor length dresses now? No more ankle length, life in prison for cocktail length and if it’s above knee they are reintroducing the death penalty?

You appear to have ignored the word ‘presumably’ which I have used.

She’s no friend. It’s just that she waited until your wedding to show her true colours.

Why would you presume this @user1497787065
ive been a bridesmaid 3x. Never floor length 🤷‍♀️

You’re saying the many years of very close friendship was all fake and the MOH was building up to revealing her “true colours” on the OP’s wedding day? 😆