To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Maybe they were ttc and she’d got a positive on an OPK that morning?

The only thing I can possibly think of re shagging in the suite (not the room) is she desperately TTC? Known fertility issues?

She is not your friend. Come on, having sex on a sofa in the bridal suite when you know elderly guests are using the area? Disgusting.

That would be the distancing of the friendship for me- there are no excuses.

I can't get past "she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested" being on your mind after she had sex in the bridal suite during the reception. You've really been stewing on the silver shoes? I can't imagine noticing a bridesmaid wearing silver rather than cream shoes.

I assume she was with you in the morning getting ready? How was she then?

she sounds awful tbh. She definitely doesn’t like you. Friendships over. Forget her.

Just to clarify a few things - shoe wise, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it, it was just to highlight how fussy she got at the end, I literally said she could have any shoe she wanted just not in a sparkly silver & even said she would get the same shoes as me if she liked them but please could she get them in a colour that went with her dress & not in the ivory I had. It was more to show that I had been patient with all her fussing about outfits & wasn't trying to be bridezilla about it, I just wanted her to be comfortable & happy but I did want my accessories to be different from hers, but it was honestly a little detail and that on her own I wouldn't bat an eyelid about.

No fertility issues, she already had two children & isn't planning on having anymore.

Partner, I don't really know him, he's fairly new & I thought I'd get to chat a bit over the weekend but other than some polite chat I didn't really get much conversation out of him.

MOH was aware my other friend heard & begged her not to tell me because she was aware 'I would be fucking furious if I knew' so she did it knowing I wouldn't be pleased.

it was just to highlight how fussy she got at the end

It shows how fussy you got i think

(Disclaimer: I've never been married)

I'd assume you have been very close for some time if she was your MOH?

So you know if she's got form for being petty/ jealous/ shady/ attention seeking with other people or on other occasions?
If yes, that's your answer, turns out you're not exempt from the poor behaviour.

But if, as PP have said, it's completely out of character & she's normally a really steady, sensible, kind person,then something else is going on & that should be a concern.

Congrats & have a lovely honeymoon!

They were overheard.

Yes, there's a backstory there which we don't know about. However, whatever the circs, having sex in the bridal suite is not on.

I'd send her a note thanking her for being a MOH but saying that you were mystified and saddened by her behaviour. Give her the opportunity to tell her side of the story otherwise the issue will fester.

@Mulledjuice and all the others saying I was fussy/bridezilla maybe I shouldn't have specified no silver but that was my only specification so I don't really think it was too fussy.

Whenever I've been a bridesmaid I've just worn what I was told to wear, I didn't want that for my MOH, I wanted her to feel comfy in her outfit & have something she loved & could use again, so tried to let her choose with just that one specification but maybe I shouldn't have even said that, happy to accept I could have avoided that but don't feel that justify her behaviour.

I've never known her to be flaky/jealous/unkind to anyone before.

In our youth she was sex obsessed, I'd assumed she had become more adult about it as we grew up, but maybe its still a big part of her life

I'd also be interested to know if this kind of behaviour is out of character for her, and how new is the new partner? Is it likely that there are issues with the relationship that have caused that behaviour, given that the leaving early, and sex in the bridal suite both involved him?

If I'm honest the whole tone of the thread is a bit off, ninor nit-pick, minor nit pick, minor nit pick, MOH does as asked re shoes then later down the line she's shagged in the suite.

That's deeply not ok but what you didn't know wouldn't have hurt you. It's not as though it was with the groom

However I get the impression you've been a fusspot and not the easiest. I'm not saying those two things are equal but perhaps some of your behaviour put her off.

I don't think your friend should have told you. It's not cool but it wasn't in your bed and could have stayed between you. What are you supposed to do about it now?

It's an odd series of events. I think you all need to gain some perspective.

‘English country vibe’ makes me wonder about bridezilla vibes…

But she should have tried to make your day special. And her being distant and leaving early was thoughtless.

Did she get ‘enough’ thanks in the speeches? Is she jealous? Who knows what’s going on for her.

All you can do now is not let her ruin your honeymoon.

Sounds like she's jealous. I'd definitely speak to her. She's means yo be your best friend.

Its not unreasonable for a bride to not want her bridesmaids/moh in same shoes to her or not in 1 particular colour.

Wanting 1 particular shade that can only be sourced through a complex set up costing the bridesmaid thousands is unreasonable but op didn't do that.

Saying x colour is off limits but anything else is fine. Is not unreasonable

Apart from having sex in the bridal suite, I don't think she has done anything terrible. She was MoH and presumably did all the MoH stuff (whatever that was). I'm surprised on your wedding day that you noticed or cared that she wore the same shoes and didn't dance with you!

Sometimes wedding can be overwhelming.

I remember I had a migraine during my friends wedding and missed most of it.

its not a big deal… you have a good time

How was she before the ceremony OP? Did you get ready together / have the evening before together etc?
Also does she know the friend told you about sex in the suite? If she thinks you know that might explain her silence (although she should be reaching out to apologise!)

That is really shitty behaviour from your MOH.

There seems to be lots of little niggles with her that have piled up, and having sex in your honeymoon suite was the icing on the cake. Totally gross and....ugh.

There must be more to this from her point of view, as she had her backside in her hand for all of your wedding day. Maybe her new partner said how beautiful you looked, and she took the hump...... 😂 Who knows 🤷‍♀️

As others have suggested, I would put her firmly in a box and forget about her.

BUT, before doing that, I would also have to say something to her about her behaviour on your wedding day.

Congratulations on your wedding!

Obviously without giving away all the details of my day or bringing along other guests testimonies I can't prove to you that I wasn't a bridezilla, I do get that you have to go by just what I'm saying.

The big things were obviously the sex & the leaving early, I only mentioned the other things to try & create the picture for you. It felt awkward on my wedding day having to repeatedly hunt for my MOH when she was needed for things. It was upsetting when other guests noticed how distant & absent she was, I think that's why I mentioned those things.

I don't think discussing the look I'm going for with my MOH who I have known for 2O years makes me a bridzilla, again without you seeing the venue etc... it's hard to explain how silver just wouldn't work & it was literally the only no I said.

I can totally imagine the MOH’s perspective being very different to OP’s.
In fact, I can imagine her posting in MN for advice, asking AIBU to duck out of the wedding? And being told, no, don’t leave to bride in the lurch and create a drama/story for the wedding. Just go, but keep some distance, and leave as soon as it isn’t completely rude to do so.

The OP’s description of what happened suggests a MASSIVE hidden backstory. This isn’t how close friends behave without one.

Yet another thread where I just don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time from some pp.

OP, she was rude and deeply crass to behave as she did.
Go away on your honeymoon and forget about her.
I would forget about her.
But you can be honest with people as to why you are no longer friends.
Really tacky behaviour.