To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Oh @FromMissToMrs, ignore the petty petty bullies. They are just getting their kicks from winding you up. They are not trying to provide any perspective or be helpful. Nothing you’ve written suggests you were a bridezilla or nit-picking. They shoes were just context. The vote more clearly shows the strength of opinion rather than these people who get off on being mean. What your MOH did was nasty. All of it. I’m not sure what I would do though but I wouldn’t wade in quickly.

What time of day did the sex occur? If it was early on and she knew the other friend had caught her out maybe that would explain her distant behaviour and disappearing early.

The new shady boyfriend situation is interesting. I’m wondering if she felt pressured into it (not that it makes it right) as I can’t imagine wanting to do it in a room with no lock that I knew elderly people would be using.

A wonderful fabulous day getting married
4 days since then

and here’s how your choosing to spend it, angry about “betrayal” and arguing with mumsnetters in long drawn out posts

so much for the honeymoon period

Honestly OP, I would just let it go.

You enjoyed your day, and now are off on your honeymoon soon.

You cannot control or be responsible for how other people behave. Just focus on how great your day was, and your lives going forward.

If you do still continue to see or speak to her after you get back, just ask in conversation if something had upset her on the day.

Some of the responses here and quite dramatic.

Right? I'm reading these comments and wondering if most people here lack reading comprehension.

The MOH could choose her own dress etc. The bride only stated no silver sparkly shoes and no silver sparkly belt". That's it. She had the option to choose from LITERALLY thousands of shoes and yet somehow OP is a bridezilla? I mean, is no bride allowed to dictate anything about ANYTHING for their wedding anymore.

Also, unless you're five years old, sparkly silver shoes look shite. I don't blame OP at all.

AND the MOH had sex in the bridal suite. I mean come on. Even if she was desperate to conceive that is completely out of line.

Seriously Mumsnet, are you collectively on glue this morning?

@WitchesofPainswick The bridal suite was specifically being used by two members of my family that are older & are neurodiverse, my MOH knew that, it wasn't a free for all.

The only other people to go up during the day were myself & husband go use our bathroom as needed & my friend who had done my make up just to grab something from her make up bags.

Also very much not on my honeymoon, leaving this evening, literally said I just wanted to get this off my chest now because I have no intention of dwelling on it whilst I'm away.

I suspect this is all very much influenced by the partner & I will be here if she needs me down the line but I can't do much atm.

Congratulations on your marriage!

Reading your later OPs I think it's her new bf being a dick on the day as he didnt like her attention not being on him, maybe didn't know anyone and so being immature he played up. Hence her vanishing to find him (then you couldn't find her), and then the "make up" sex in your suite. It sounds like it could be a difficult relationship.

Contact her when you get back from honeymoon

Why do people go to such insane yoga type stretching to make excuses for randoms they don't know and make up whole hallucinatory scenarios just to have a pop at the OP?

It is completely normal for a bride to choose every part of a bridesmaids outfit (including shoes) -obviously as long as they are paying - OP did the best of both in allowing MOH to pick her own outfit AND paid for it which seems like the opposite of bridezilla to me.

Even if OP was bridezilla, the adult thing to do would be to talk about it. Not make some petty "well fuck you" then point via your shoes and sit around refusing to speak to anyone like a sulky teenager. At most you could potentially explain her not wanting to be in photos and leaving early as a semi-understandable response to a bridezilla - there is literally no justification for slipping away to shag in the bridal suite, particularly knowing older members of the family might be using it to rest.

Utterly grotty behaviour.

I'm astonished at some of the low standards some posters have!!

She couldn't be bothered to turn up for formal photos, she didn't mix with the other guests, she left early - that's enough without even mentioning the sex in the bridal suite. Ffs sake, all these excuses for someone behaving like a brat ....

I did think the same, relationships issues as you mentioned he’s was quiet and the same behaviour as her, which is odd ?

How was her behaviour the day before the wedding and when you were getting ready in the morning?
Personally, if she was a close friend of 20 years and her behaviour was out of character, I’d be contacting her to check if she’s ok. At least you’d know where you stood then

OP is confident about the sex in the bridal suite because it was discussed by her MOH and her other friend:

'MOH was aware my other friend heard & begged her not to tell me because she was aware 'I would be fucking furious if I knew' so she did it knowing I wouldn't be pleased.'

It does smack of the MOH 'marking her territory' in a really passive aggressive way.

The only possibly 'nit picky' thing that OP has done is asking the MOH not to wear silver shoes. If that's the only request she made, I don't think that OP falls into the 'bridezilla' category.

Yes I wondered if it was down to the new partner.

I wouldn't be confrontational, especially if new boyfriend is a dick.

Just send her a message saying something like "you seemed a bit off on the day and I think you left early. Hope everything is ok. Lmk if you want to chat."

But it's such a small thing (IMO) which pales into insignificance next to "MOH had sex in the bridal suite during the reception" even before "bridal suite was open so that elderly relatives could rest there"

The shoes is a nothing thing. Unless you had a one of a kind, handcrafted pair from Italy which cost 1000s

To me it reads like her and her partner had an argument, the sex was intended to try and fix things (or forced a bit upon her) and then they left early out of either embarrassment at being caught or because things were still tense

She didn't use the bed and was behind a door so it doesn't seem that bad to me tbh

I don’t think you sound like a “bridezilla”, OP. The shoes are important. There are millions of shoes she could have chosen but she had to have the same as the bride? That’s shitty behaviour and she did it on purpose.

People on here just love to rip posters apart for the fun of it. Honestly, Mumsnet is a cesspit.

Right, thanks for all the feedback, it's helped me process which is what I wanted.

I love my friend & I hope there is a way back but right now I'm excited to go off on honeymoon with my husband.

Thanks all

Obviously without giving away all the details of my day or bringing along other guests testimonies I can't prove to you that I wasn't a bridezilla, I do get that you have to go by just what I'm saying.
Op stop justifying yourself. Even if you was being annoying in moh's eyes that doesn't excuse any of what she did. If you had been that bad then she could have quit her role but she didnt instead she came and ruined the day. Again why show up in the dress if you was that bad to her about the wedding? She could have just been cold after the event if she really had an issue with you. She turned up so she should have acted like a friend . End off. This is on her and you know it is. And how bad can anyone be to justify having sex in the bridal suite. Ppl have lost their minds on this thread, stop pandering to it.

@FromMissToMrs OP - please ignore those who are saying that you were being a bridezilla because you said no silver - that’s absolutely ridiculous - but that’s MN for you. I think you’re right to be hurt. I can’t think any circumstances in which I behaviour is appropriate. If she taught you were being unreasonable with any of your “demands” then she should have said to you - I’m so sorry but I’m unable to be your MOH. Please. And surely she could have kept it in her pants for one day. It’s hard when you think you are possibly losing a friend. If you’re comfortable- when you’re back from honeymoon just ask her if anything is bothering her. Other than that all you can do is be there for her if that’s what you want. But your feelings are yours and if I had been in your position I would feel the same way

Exactly this. Imagine wanting to pick some detail for your own wedding and you're the one paying for it and that means your a bridezilla. Its just another over used term.

OP I behaved badly towards my friends when I was in an abusive relationship with an awful controlling man. He would be in my ear all the time criticising them, and I was very unhappy 🙁 perhaps this is the reason?

She did behave disappointingly but if she's previously been a good friend then this is a possibility 🤔

Weirdly enough, this stands out for me. More than the sex in the wedding suite (which was absolutely disgraceful.) The fact that most people wouldn’t notice if the bride and the Matron of Honour were wearing the same shoes isn’t really the point. The MoH knew. And what’s more, she knew the bride knew. To me that was a deliberate, if seemingly petty, act of defiance. Something to give her personal/private satisfaction with a clear but subtle message to the bride alone. But the question, of course, is why?

Maybe something stressful happened on the hen/organising the hen to make her angry somehow? Or there had been a big row with her boyfriend and they then made up (so it wasn’t anything to do with you at all)? You don’t sound especially Bridezilla, I think it’s fairly normal for brides to specify things like shoe colour.

But even if you had been a bit Bridezilla or she had other personal distractions, it’s still very shitty not to be there for the formal photos and as for having sex in your bridal suite…😱 (acting a bit distant and not seeming very friendly to other guests I could probably forgive as just her having a bad day, ditto the shoe thing is annoying and seemingly petty of her not to put you first on your day even if she liked them too - but honestly it’s doubtful anyone really noticed the shoes as people will have just been looking at the dresses, especially yours).

I would distance yourself, and unless she comes to you with a big apology and explanation then you should let the friendship go.

I think that you've been too nice and she's taken the piss out of you. She's jealous and with people like that, you can't enjoy anything around them.
The fact that you couldn't find her all day and she left early would be enough for me. To add into the mix the nasty subtle undertone of sex and your shoes, I really think that you should cut her off. I know that's not nice to hear.
Anyway, enjoy your honeymoon! Congrats!