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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

187 replies

thenoodlemachine · 31/05/2025 21:34

He was shouting at them and they were both crying. I lost it. I am feeling very fragile so please be nice.

OP posts:
1SillySossij · 01/06/2025 12:17

Is OK to shout at your child, if they have been repeatedly been told to do something that is their responsibility and not done it, even if they turn on the waterworks.(It is different it is for no reason).
That is what will happen to them in the real world. They will be disciplined for disobedience and laziness. They need resilience.

1SillySossij · 01/06/2025 12:25

I think what you did was a lot worse tbh

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 01/06/2025 12:34

1SillySossij · 01/06/2025 12:17

Is OK to shout at your child, if they have been repeatedly been told to do something that is their responsibility and not done it, even if they turn on the waterworks.(It is different it is for no reason).
That is what will happen to them in the real world. They will be disciplined for disobedience and laziness. They need resilience.

Edited

I don't know what 'real world' you inhabit, but if I shouted at my staff until they cried I'd get sacked.

If I shouted at some random stranger I'd fully expect a punch in the face.

What's the bet OP's husband doesn't go out into the 'real world' and shout at his friends and colleagues until they cry. Just his daughters.

YourOnMute · 01/06/2025 12:37

I feel like I live in a parallel universe.
This woman was already chastising her daughter for not tidying her room (and sorry but given the myriad of issues I've encountered as a parent of teenagers pick your battles). Her husband, apparently having a rest, leaps up to start roaring at his 12 year old daughter. This is so awful that her 17 year sister comes yo her defence. He keeps shouting to the point where three females are in tears. This is absolutely awful, unnecessary and yes, bullying.
Why did he need to get involved?
Why did he start shouting at a 12 year old, and no, it's been filthy for a while is not a good reason to start shouting at your child suddenly.
Why did the older sister try to intervene?
I'm not surprised OP roared back at him.
I've been in that exact situation where I and my girls have been roared at by my "dp/oh" and the three of us ended up in tears. Because it's horrific and frightening. A man who likes to bully until his FAMILY are crying?
Mine is now my ex.

thestudio · 01/06/2025 12:40

Jesus Christ I cannot believe the man-protecting on this thread. OP you are not deranged.

Your husband was bullying your child in order to attack you. He is angry that you are 'being critical' that he is prepared to exploit you in order to avoid doing his fair share of the domestic shit-work.

I'm sure he won't admit it but you must articulate it like that - do not take responsiblity for this.

You intervened in his shitty abusive behaviour in the only way that you could.

Fucking hell, no wonder women's position in our society is going backwards with so many of us policing on behalf of men.

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 12:43

thestudio · 01/06/2025 12:40

Jesus Christ I cannot believe the man-protecting on this thread. OP you are not deranged.

Your husband was bullying your child in order to attack you. He is angry that you are 'being critical' that he is prepared to exploit you in order to avoid doing his fair share of the domestic shit-work.

I'm sure he won't admit it but you must articulate it like that - do not take responsiblity for this.

You intervened in his shitty abusive behaviour in the only way that you could.

Fucking hell, no wonder women's position in our society is going backwards with so many of us policing on behalf of men.

I know, exactly, men minimising littering this entire thread. It’s not okay to scream and shout someone into a distressed state, it doesn’t matter how old or young they are. They were clearly frightened, that’s definitely not okay.

Beesandhoney123 · 01/06/2025 12:56

Endoftheroad12345 · 31/05/2025 23:27

So things have only been horrible in the last few months since you got frustrated at the unequal division of labour and started challenging the status quo

Previously he presumably did fuck all around the house and was happy with that & is annoyed that he’s being asked to contribute more.

His version of “doing more” is to shout at the kids to tidy their rooms and then throw a strop that you “don’t want him to succeed”

He sounds like a lazy moody cunt and I can’t understand why you are feeling so terrible about your own behaviour. Good on you for standing up for your kids.

Edited

Agree with this tbh.
My dh thinks helping round the house more means nagging the kids to do it. Well he did until I told him to pack it in.

I also grew up round a lot of shouting. I also lose it and shout like a banshee. Not regularly and now I'm on my anti bonkers pills a lot calmer in myself.

But, I did tell dh to leave my kids alone once- and don't ask me to choose because you'll be disappointed. Neither of us drink BTW.

Go out for a walk, take the kids, with or without dh. Talk it through. Teach the kids how do deal with this sensibly. No blaming- no taking the blame yourself .

Good for your ds for sticking up fir his sister. You need to praise him for that. And your dh needs to apologise to you all, fir being a dick.

thestudio · 01/06/2025 13:20

1SillySossij · 01/06/2025 12:25

I think what you did was a lot worse tbh

Then you are
insane
an apologist for male abuse

which is it?

Original poster
thenoodlemachine · 02/06/2025 02:48

The thing is, the bedroom was tidy at this point. 12 year old was not refusing to tidy it. 17 year old came out and said 'Stop yelling at her! She's crying! Can't you see She's crying? And her room is tidy! It's tidied than it's been for months!' And I feel like dh was angry at me and taking it out on dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenoodlemachine · 02/06/2025 02:53

Because I have been complaining about him not doing enough around the house and he says he is doing more and trying to get the kids to do more but it would be a gradual thing. Then I cleaned the bathrooms on my day off and he said he had been planning to get the kids to do that and I didn't want him to succeed. And then he heard me tell the kids to tidy their rooms the next day and got angry that he had to get up so that I didn't throw a wobbly. And that my attitude re the housework is affecting the family psychologically.

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 02/06/2025 03:43

Well you won’t keep badgering him to do his fair share of this is the impact it has on you and your kids, will you? This is how abusive men train you to shut up and comply with what they want.

He will “try” to do more “but it will be gradual”. Ffs. And who does it all while this grown man “learns” how to be an adult? You presumably.

Or the kids “I had been planning to get the kids to do that” - God forbid he cleans his own bathroom.

Jellyrols · 02/06/2025 07:31

He sounds like a lazy bully and a house terrorist.

I sincerely hope your children tell another adult about him so they may get support.

He sounds absolutely abusive.
Who screams at crying children.

Much less a man screaming at 3 crying women.

I think you have tolerated far to much bullshit from him.

Can he go to family for a few days, so you and your daughters have space.

This is absolutely toxic and I find it very hard to believe it is a one off.

You ask for him to pull his weight, his response is to verbally abuse his children.

Absolutely shocking behaviour. I really hope you take it very seriously and protect those girls.

CareCover · 02/06/2025 07:47

All very unnecessary. Get a cleaner or share the cleaning of the house equally between you h, you and your 17 year old. The 12 year old should do chores such as stack and empty dishwasher and keep her room reasonably tidy.

If this is a one off, hold a family meeting discussing how to divide work if your h has form for bullying behaviour ditch him.

TealSapphire · 02/06/2025 09:27

I'm going to tell that to my boss when I'm given a new task at work. 'I'll try but it's going to be a gradual thing' 🤣 what a tosspot.

TENSsion · 02/06/2025 11:02

Why’s he making your daughters clean the mbathroom? Why can’t he do it?

Does he think it’s women’s work?

sandyhappypeople · 02/06/2025 11:48

thenoodlemachine · 02/06/2025 02:48

The thing is, the bedroom was tidy at this point. 12 year old was not refusing to tidy it. 17 year old came out and said 'Stop yelling at her! She's crying! Can't you see She's crying? And her room is tidy! It's tidied than it's been for months!' And I feel like dh was angry at me and taking it out on dd.

The thing is, the bedroom was tidy at this point. 12 year old was not refusing to tidy it.

So why was he even shouting and what was he shouting about? It feels like there is information missing from your posts as to why this all spiralled, but from your last post it sounds like you've asked him to do more and to supervise the kids cleaning more, and he's getting annoyed with you because you are then stepping in and either doing the chores yourself, or instructing the kids before he does?

None of that explains why he was shouting at the 12 year old after she had already tidied her bedroom, so what was he actually shouting at her about??

Tiswa · 02/06/2025 15:16

So rather than HIM tidy the bathroom he is trying to get the kids to, shout at them and blame it on you

diddl · 02/06/2025 15:22

And that my attitude re the housework is affecting the family psychologically.

By that does he mean asking him to pull his weight?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/06/2025 15:25

You reached your limit. He should not have been transferring the parents frustration to the children aggressively.
I don't understand why some men square up and roar with children.
If he is a decent man, he'll understand that you are frustrated.
It is help you need, not more aggravation.

KnittyNell · 02/06/2025 15:34

It sounds to me as if he was stressed over your daughters not tidying their rooms, he lost the plot and then you proceeded to do the same.
Your daughters need to take responsibility for their bedrooms.

KnittyNell · 02/06/2025 15:36

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 01/06/2025 12:34

I don't know what 'real world' you inhabit, but if I shouted at my staff until they cried I'd get sacked.

If I shouted at some random stranger I'd fully expect a punch in the face.

What's the bet OP's husband doesn't go out into the 'real world' and shout at his friends and colleagues until they cry. Just his daughters.

Show quote history

Oh don’t be silly, there isn’t a parent on earth who doesn’t occasionally lose it with their kids!

YourOnMute · 02/06/2025 20:21

The thing that stood out was that you said he got angry that you cleaned the bathroom. So what? Clean something else, or hoover, laundry or the multitude of other jobs that need to be done. Why is he "blaming" you for cleaning a bathroom??
Then you say he has to get up to stop you having a wobbly. Does he say to you I had to do X to stop you from doing Y?? So he's blaming you for his behaviour (i.e. you made me). You haven't indicated anything that suggested you were having a wobbly until your husband started shouting at all of you...and I don't blame you for that.
Plus your daughter's room was clean??
Does he often blame you and your children for stuff? Does he tell you you're going to react a certain way or he has to get involved because you're "incapable" somehow?
All of his behaviour sounds bullying tbh. I hope you're ok.

YourOnMute · 02/06/2025 20:24

And I'll also throw in the "your behaviour around housework is affecting the house". He's blaming YOU when you've done nothing wrong.

Newname71 · 02/06/2025 20:25

Wearealldoingourbest · 31/05/2025 21:51

Perimenopause maybe? Hormonal changes can reduce your patience and tolerance. Don't beat yourself up, have a calm chat about what the changes you want to see.

I was coming here to say the same. I’ve always been a calm rational person. Menopause turned me into a raving, shouting lunatic. I was on HRT for a while which helped but I’ve come off it and seem to be through the worst of it x

Original poster
thenoodlemachine · 03/06/2025 00:56

Sincere thanks to those of you who have given your support and honest opinions. I completely agree that my behavior was wrong. I have booked a therapy session (the first of many, I think!) I have apologized to my kids for the whole shebang and to my husband for screaming abuse at him. Believe me, that is not how I want to relate to my family. I think my husband should also apologize to the kids, and that he and I should get therapy together, but one step at a time! To those of you who mocked me for being triggered by shouting after I had shared about my violent and dysfunctional upbringing, I am happy for you if that was not something you can identify with. Maybe a bit of compassion next time.

OP posts: