I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

[thenoodlemachine]

He was shouting at them and they were both crying. I lost it. I am feeling very fragile so please be nice.

You don’t sound deranged, you sound like you’re at the end of your tether.
But I get the feeling you feel like this is out of character for you. I went through a stage like this right at the start of perimenopause. Could it be that?

I hope you’ve all sat down and relaxed a bit, OP. You’ve all got wound up, and DH makes it worse by shouting. Get some sleep. With luck and good will, you’ll all be OK tomorrow.

It’s Sod’s Law that perimenopause so often hits when teenagers are full of hormonal upheaval too. Try not to let it get you down. DH needs to step up, stay calm and be glad he’s got a very simple reproductive system.

You activated your instincts and defended them. They obviously felt scared and threatened. You was right.
my dad used to scare the shit out of me as a kid, now I’m an anxious adult

I think your reaction to your outburst is completely disproportionate. You didn't hit anyone or hurt anyone. You've just had enough of him being the only one in the family who's allowed to get angry, and rightly so. If this was out of character for you, it hopefully got his attention.

I think people are picking up on OP feeling this was out of character for her and she’s saying she feels deranged. I have felt like this because of hormonal changes. Heard myself screaming at my child and it was like it wasn’t me.

Bullying or telling off?

Yes, pretty sure it's connected. This started just as my cycle went completely awry. I am NOT excusing my behavior, just saying this is not how I ordinarily behave. Something just snapped in me.

Why is it the op’s problem?
Her husband is in the wrong here.

This

I don’t know why you are giving yourself such a hard time OP. Everyone was upset and fraught and you lost it briefly and defended your kids. It doesn’t sound that bad to me.

OP, you know already that what you did was because you felt the situation was out of control, but, in order to get past it, I think you need to start off by calling a family meeting when everyone is calm. Then you all need the chance to have your say about what happened, why, and what can be done to prevent it happening again. During this conversation, NO ONE must shout. Something which my family find works quite well, is the person who calls the meeting starts off holding something like a wooden spoon, they instruct the family, that while a person has the spoon, they must NOT be interrupted. When they've said what they want to talk about, each person then gets to hold the spoon, and NO ONE must interrupt while they say what they want to say. This very often avoids everyone trying to talk over each other, so maybe start the chat, by explaining how holding the spoon works, before beginning the discussion about what happened today. Then say something along the lines of, 'As you all know we all got very upset and shouty yesterday. It was caused by DD not cleaning her room, then Dad got cross, and other DD interfered, and then it all got out of hand, and I got angry and shouted at Dad. None of this is going to happen again, which is why I've called this meeting. In future, DD when you are asked to clean your room, you will do it at a time in the day, set by YOU, but it must be done on the day you are asked to do it. (This makes her feel like she has a say in the matter, she must do it that day, but she gets to choose when) If you fail to do this, you will be punished by (whatever means you think is suitable)'. Then go on to ask her if she agrees to do this - you then give her the spoon, and she gets to say what she thinks. Perhaps at that point, you will want to speak again, so you ask for the spoon back, although if your DH wants to speak, you may think it better to give him the opportunity, by giving him the spoon. (I know it all sounds a bit complicated with the spoon, but once everyone accepts that they DON'T SPEAK while someone else has the spoon, it does help to control the discussion.

Obviously you may feel the wood spoon thing is daft, but it works for us, and might be worth giving a try. Just a suggestion.

Meanwhile, if you're perimenopausal, and getting shouty, and a bit irrational at times, then can I suggest that you go and talk to your doctor, who may feel that you need anti-depressants if things are getting on top of you, and you feel unable to cope. On the other hand, they may want to do various tests, to see that all is well physically, but either way, at least then you will have a chance to get some help.

I want to be honest. The more you say, the more I realise that it sounds like you and your DH need to sort out your issues.

It is not nice at all when there is tension between the parents and children can sense and feel that and often make it feel worse. My previous relationship ended because we were at each others fault so much to the point where my DD was witnessing it. We split up because the issues were too big.

I don’t know what you and your DH are going through but honestly find a way to talk about it or get a middle person involved such as a councillor - as you’ve mentioned he is projecting his anger towards you at the kids. Which is not fair, but it makes me question - how do you both deal with conflict? Do you have a healthy way of deadline with disagreements? What happened 2 months ago when you noticed the change.

I am not defending his behaviour - as when I was in a dysfunctional relationship we always stopped if the kid was sad.

I want to say that I am a mum of a teen and they can be freaking HARD WORK! Especially when it comes to simple things like cleaning their room. I’ll be honest and say that o have got to the point where I have been angry and the uncleanliness of my DDs room - and we have had arguments over it. Your DD needs to start taking it seriously. You know her, so what will make her act?

I hope things have calmed down and I’m sorry it has got to this. But it sounds like a build up of something as I read your replies.

Hope you’re ok OP. Well done for having your kids’ backs.

Try not to worry so much OP, sometimes a big blow out like this is what it takes to get you all communicating effectively, don't let the dust settle and pretend it didn't happen, use it as a tool to analyse why things went too far, try and all accept your own part in why it happened.

If he stepped in because he thought the kids weren't listening to you and was frustrated with them, then they need to be aware that they cannot just ignore your requests for help. Or, if you were telling them off, but really telling HIM off ("this house is a mess!" type thing), and he feels the effort he is making is completely unappreciated then you all need to communicate better about who is supposed to be doing what etc, and what the consequences are if it doesn't happen.

He's pushed you past your limit, but you may have inadvertently pushed him past his limit, and the kids are just trying to get away with doing the bare minimum, it was scary for the 12 year old and obviously upsetting for everyone, but sometimes they need to know that they can't just try and get away with doing the bare minimum and have to be nagged and nagged to contribute to a household, it's not fair on you at all and now they have seen what can happen when someone is pushed past their limit because of it, they have a part to play in this, so while your DH does seem to be the one who took it way too far, it was a cumulative effort by everyone that got it to that stage.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I think your husband was wrong to keep shouting when everyone was visibly upset, and I know you wish you hadn't flipped. It's understandable though, and your kids are definitely old enough for a conversation about it - explain briefly how it triggered memories of your shouty upbringing and how much it upset you, how maybe your extreme reaction was driven by peri hormones, they need to buck up and tidy their rooms, and you all need a word as a family (especially husband) when everyone is calm and rested about division of household chores because feeling underappreciated and overworked eats at you

OP once you've had a chance to catch some breaths and are feeling better, I really think you should carefully re-read this one and see if it resonates.

Because it does sound to me like you're being punished for asking more of him, and it's so subtle you haven't even realised and are instead blaming yourself.

Don't let anyone convince you this is just hormonal; your reaction might be but the situation isn't. There are bigger issues that need sorting out.

You don't sound crazy, if anyone was shouting at my dc while they cried I would shout at them to stop as a minimum!

Clearly this isn't healthy. I think there's a pattern for some men, when they're asked to do a fairer share of the housework, that they attempt to pass the responsibility on to their dc (generally girls) to do more, rather than doing more themselves.

You are right, shouting at people, particularly when there's a power imbalance, is bullying and totally unnecessary. Good for your eldest for standing up for her sister.

I wouldn't be happy living in this situation. Would your dh consider counselling to address some of his behaviour? He needs to change.

Is he a nice guy? Shouting at people when they are crying isn't a nice thing to do. And you reacted and tried to protect the children.

You sound, potentially, like someone who learned to deal with conflict by avoiding it, or by being agreeable. Which is not at all healthy. It's normal for someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home to want to avoid treading on eggshells but, sadly, that means you may have been pushing down your actual feelings/wishes just to keep up the "happy families" facade and avoid confrontation. Only you know whether that is actually the case. If your husband shouts at people who are crying and escalates arguments rather than trying to deescalate them then he isn't a "nice guy". You may just have learned to back off rather than poking the bear.

Sounds like you may benefit from some kind of counseling to work this stuff out and figure out why this is so upsetting for you and what may be causing these new confrontations. You may also benefit from understanding more about why you react to things the way you do, how you deal with confrontation, and your approach to boundary setting.

As for feeling bad about shouting: using a severe curse word and claiming the kids as your own (i.e. not "our" but "my") is troubling - it suggests some built up emotional hostility, and also that you thought they only way you could deal with the situation was to lash out - not try to deescalate it. One has to wonder what has happened in the past when your husband has told your children off in front of you for not doing what they are told?

It will be a good idea to figure these things out because your family dynamic will change significantly when your older child leaves home (presumably they are going to go off out into the world pretty soon for university or travel or to figure out what they want to do with their life?). You'll spend more time being a spouse and less time being a mother. And that will change the dynamics of home.

Ultimately you are doing to have to talk to your husband about this - and figure out why he was shouting even though people were crying, what his expectations are, what your expectations are, and how those match. If you need help communicating then counselling for both of you can be an option - it's something that even couples with great relationships do so they can make sure they are being good partners and also having their own needs acknowledged and met.

I agree with you. With the caveat that I think she could use some counselling too. For all we know this eggshell/conflict avoidance stuff has been going on for a while, and she suddenly snapped.
A lot of men are - whether they want to admit it or not - of the view that they are "in charge" especially in households where there are only females (wife and daughters). Daughters growing up and becoming more independent and pushing back against parental commands can be problematic for some fathers - they really dislike being talked back to anyway, but to have an older child do it/defend other children can be particularly problematic for men who are thin skinned and not intelligent enough (or are uncaring enough) to realise that it's their job as the adult in the room to deescalate heated situations, not to make them worse. Sadly this can happen a lot - parents end up behaving like children, and the children are forced to take on the role of adults - and then get told off for having done so.

I hope they get this figured out.

Get rid of your husband. You don’t need to be medicated to make you more docile - you just need to ask your husband to leave the house for a month.

So instead of HELPING his 12yo tidy her room (because that would mean him doing something) he assists the situation by yelling at her until she cries. But he's the victim because he's 'trying to do more' but you're setting him up to fail. Righto 🙄

You didn't 'let this happen'.

Your H made a decision and went ahead with it. He gave himself permission to behave badly.

Yes to this.

I really feel for you OP. A grown man shouting is fucking terrifying and it's not suprising that it triggered a big reaction in you when you could see that your kids were scared.

When everyone is calm do you think your husband would be receptive to talking about how he's going to manage his feelings more appropriately so that he doesn't end up shouting at kids? You can also acknowledge to him that you should have handled it better (I'm not being critical, I think you were under intense pressure and responded in a way many people would have, but he might be more amenable if you suggests it's something you can both work on together).

I waited for the ‘Are you ‘peri?’ It’s the get out of jail free card! Sometimes people just lose their rag!