I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

[thenoodlemachine]

He was shouting at them and they were both crying. I lost it. I am feeling very fragile so please be nice.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, he shouldn’t have been shouting at her. Your daughters will likely remember this forever and I think it’s good you stood up for them.

I don't know. Do you never shout at your kids @thenoodlemachine ? Does your dh feel like you are unassertive and it's up to him to step up and sort behaviour out?

Shouting as a general way of dealing with each other is absolutely not on but teenagers can be very frustrating. Do you usually not lay down the law if they are disrespectful or don't behave? Sometime and we don't know what's happening in your family but sometimes if one parent is avoidant and permissive it can be very hard for the other parent. If both parents are on the ball and deal with expectations and occasional bad behaviour with clear boundaries and a firm but fair approach no one needs to shout or not often.

If however your h is in the habit of screaming at his family and constantly getting irate you need to think carefully about what's next and how you want to bring your dc up.

So you’ve been together 20 years snd unequal distribution of housework is only an issue now? And why do your daughters’ bedrooms have to be tidy? If it’s their space what does it matter?

This is one of those situations where the long term resentment of being a domestic drudge gets taken out on daughters instead of lazy husbands. Easier to coerce young women into ‘helping’ with the housework than confront the arsehole male.

Sort your priorities out. Leave the girls and their rooms alone. Deal with your husband rationally instead of shouting and getting emotional. He needs to shape up and behave like a fully functioning adult. No wonder the girls are upset living with all that drama over nothing.

he felt like he needed to get out of bed to deal with it.

See, I don't like this. If I'm dealing with something let me deal with it unless I specifically ask you for 'back up'. For someone to just 'jump in' and take over feels like they're taking my 'power' away. And that they're reinforcing within themselves the idea that I 'can't handle things' by myself. DH and I had a bit of this when our sons entered their teens. We actually went to counseling for a bit to make him 'see the light'. And to realize that the boys may have been 6 footers and me 5 ft 5, but I could still put the fear of God in them 'all by myself' when I needed to.

DH feels is trying to do more and I don't want him to succeed.

If he needs to 'do more' then he needs to find other things to do, not get involved with what you're already doing. And it's not that you don't want him to succeed, it's that you want him to succeed doing his own duties, not 'succeed' by taking over yours.

Shouting isn't good. But it's not the end of the world. Now it's time to calm down, take a deep breath, each of you apologize to the other if needed. And move on promising yourself you do better tomorrow.

DH was trying to support me by getting the kids to tidy their room. For me the issue is that I felt he was taking his anger towards me out on dd. Also that he kept shouting when all 3 of us were crying. I am not saying he is the one at fault. He feels I don't appreciate that he is trying to take on more. I am feeling resentful after feeling like I have been doing everything for years and that he gets annoyed when I try to discuss it.

its a bit of shouting. No one was murdered 🤷🏻‍♀️

@thenoodlemachine
It’s ok. You reached your threshold, and you shouted. People shout when they feel they haven’t another option in the situation. You grew up in a shouty house, and that’s probs your helpless child tools coming out during a stressful time. There are other options, so you just have to be more aware of that.

It really bothers me when people blame things on Perimenopause. It isn’t generally a mental illness, it’s a lowering of threshold for bullshit you normally put up with. And now you don’t want to put up with it.

You sound angry at your hub. You say for not helping you with the house, and it sounds like you wanted to hurt him by saying my kids and calling him a bully in earshot if the kids. That shout of fractured partnership to them can be scary.

Take some time to calm it down. Make sure the kids are ok. Say sorry if you mean it. Talk to your husband and tell him how you’re feeling. Tell him you’re feeling on an edge and need more help. Tell the kids too. They’re old enough to help.

You’re not mad, you’re fed up. But you need to make yourself heard by them all in a better way. Take care.

I know that. But I'm sitting here shaking and feeling like I'm about to vomit. Rightly or wrongly, that is how I feel.

Sounds like a horrible environment for your children. You and your husband need to remember that you are the grown ups.

Yes. I'm not posting because I'm proud. It's terrible and I wish to God it hadn't happened.

You did what many parents would instinctively do protect your children in a moment of distress. It’s clear you acted out of love and concern. What matters now is taking a breath, making sure your kids feel safe, and thinking about how to address what happened with your husband when emotions are calmer. You’re not alone in feeling fragile this stuff is heavy, and it’s okay to need support. Be kind to yourself right now.

Go in the garden. Take some deep breaths. Go for a walk if you need to. Try and ground yourself. It’s rescuable. Just don’t let it escalate.

DH feels is trying to do more and I don't want him to succeed.

Huh? Why not? Isn't that exactly what you want him to do?

Yes, it's a horrible environment and not healthy for anyone, so now this is about how you move on. You're going to have to work hard on reassuring the children, and creating a better atmosphere. If you are feeling under stress so much that you are screaming, then you need help. Can you and DH go to couple's counselling? There are also parenting courses which may help you get back on track.
See your GP about your MH, they can refer you. It's easy to blame the perimenopause, it sounds worse than that.

It sounds like you've asked him to do more of the housework, but he's decided to pick on the kids for not doing enough housework instead of actually doing any more himself?

From what you've said, it sounds very likely that he absolutely was having a go at you through your daughter. And I imagine that after this little display he now feels safe in assuming that you're not going to be mentioning housework to him again any time soon....

really?
You REALLY, all three of you cried? Really?
this is very similar to Mumsnets ‘shaking and crying’ to me.

You sound at the end of your tether. I'm sorry that you are feeling so miserable.

The atmosphere in the house sounds very tense with everyone shouting and screaming. Contrary to what some PPs have said, there is never a good reason to shout at someone (with the exception of emergencies, of course). If the source of stress is housework, is your DH genuinely making a good faith effort to take on his fair share of household chores? Or is he just trying to pass the buck to your children?

It will blow over by tomorrow and your kids will be fine. All kids get yelled at every now and then, its part of growing up. I wouldn't get too stressed about it

I don't know the reference but yes, all 3 of us were crying. I was asking him to stop but he wouldn't stop. He just kept shouting and I panicked. I grew up in a violent, dysfunctional home and I completely freaked out. I just flipped. It's terrible and I'm ashamed. I feel so sick.

OP, please don’t be hard on yourself. I also come from a shouty childhood home (mostly my mum, who was a teacher and could shout for Britain). I’m actively breaking the cycle and I hate it if my husband raises his voice. But we slip up - it’s human, it happens. And I feel like being aware of it and openly discussing it with the kids, once everyone has calmed down, is a good game plan. Could you treat this as an opportunity to discuss managing emotions, and showing how we care for each other by doing the thing we’ve been asked to do, etc, etc? Sending you a big hug xxx

I'm sorry but in my book it's not acceptable to keep shouting at three people who are crying, especially if they are supposed to be the people you love. I don't care if there was shouting an an argument before, if you've gotten to the point where both of your children and your wife and crying and upset, lay off the shouting. You've done enough at that point. You're just making three people more upset and frightened and it's bullying.
Shouting at him at some point, shouting at him during an argument in the past doesn't excuse that.

So things have only been horrible in the last few months since you got frustrated at the unequal division of labour and started challenging the status quo

Previously he presumably did fuck all around the house and was happy with that & is annoyed that he’s being asked to contribute more.

His version of “doing more” is to shout at the kids to tidy their rooms and then throw a strop that you “don’t want him to succeed”

He sounds like a lazy moody cunt and I can’t understand why you are feeling so terrible about your own behaviour. Good on you for standing up for your kids.

if someone was shouting at me and my child while we were crying I think I would lash out as well. It sounds like you’re feeling absolutely overwhelmed with shame and regret OP, very difficult feelings to sit with. I hope you can take something constructive from this when the dust has settled which is clearly what you’re trying to do, and at the same time not minimise quite how big a provocation was for you to lose your shit like that. It’s not okay to shout at people - especially kids, while they are crying, and you’re right to feel protective in that situation. Imagine if you hadn’t said anything. That would be worse imo

It seems to me that if you love your husband and feel you still have a good and loving connection couple therapy would be a very good idea. Wishing you and your family well.

I don’t think she’s expecting anything specific from you. She sounds like somebody in crisis needing support.