I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

[thenoodlemachine]

He was shouting at them and they were both crying. I lost it. I am feeling very fragile so please be nice.

FFS, a woman has snapped so it must be hormonal 🙄

Or maybe her DH was being an unreasonable dick?? Maybe HE'S hormonal?!

Sick of peri menopause being trotted out every time a woman has a fucking emotion

Quoting this because THIS!!!! her husband was shouting uncontrollably at all of them including his own kids who were all crying because of it and he didn't stop. THAT is the problem, not OPs reaction which is understandable AND justified. If my DH has done this I would be in his face shoving him out of the room. And there would be very strong words about his behaviour afterwards.

Quite often if we are feeling really strong emotions 90% of that can be unprocessed feelings from the past that we weren't taught at the time to voice.

Be really kind to yourself because you have this difficult past & maybe now is the time to work on this even though it is scary.

It might be wise to read the book 'If it hurts it isn't love' by Chuck Spezzano

Him shouting at everyone and being unreasonable has nothing to do with your cycle.

You snapping because he's been shouting at you and your daughters has nothing to do with your cycle.

You being annoyed about the unequal distribution of housework for years has nothing to do with your cycle.

You said:

This only started a few months ago when I started getting angry about inequitable distribution of housework.

...so this clearly has nothing to do with your cycle; it's because you asked him to do his fair share of the domestic labour. It's likely that if you stopped asking him for help, and resigned yourself to being the household drudge, the shouting would stop.

The problem here is your husband and his failure to (a) do his fair share of domestic chores, and (b) control his emotions. You are not going insane; he is driving you insane with his unreasonable behaviour.

He feels I don't appreciate that he is trying to take on more.

So you need to appreciate him for "trying"?

But it seems he doesn't appreciate that you have been actually "doing" (all of it) for years. It appears that your husband is "nice" when you keep quiet and accept being the domestic servant; and he becomes less nice when you ask him to do his fair share.

You have a need: "I need others to do their share of the domestic work". But he's not actually doing any - instead he's flapping around making noise and fuss. He may be (subconsciously?) trying to stop you from asking for help by using this behaviour as a deterrent: you ask him to do his share = he kicks off; to avoid him kicking off, you stop asking him to do his share.

Thinking practically, combat the noise, fuss and chaos with structure. Write a list of all the jobs that need doing, and on what days, and then all of you sit down together to create a rota. Allocate jobs to each family member - the girls are old enough to hoover, load/empty the dishwasher, clean the bathroom or make a meal once a week (include tidying their rooms on the rota). Print the rota out, laminate it, and stick it on the fridge so tasks can be crossed off each day/week. Wipe clean at the end of the week and start again. Or use an app.

By giving your husband clear duties, there is no more "appreciate me for trying" - he will either have completed his tasks or not. By giving your daughters clearly defined duties, it will (hopefully) reduce the conflict created by trying to get them to clean their rooms. I'd also tie their chores to their pocket money.

Good luck OP. Remember - you are not going insane. It is understandable to be upset when you are being treated badly.

'Shaking and crying' has already been mentioned upthread.

When the kid's rooms were their responsibility I found it best to leave them to it.

As long as they kept communal areas clear of their stuff & their was no food/drink, plates etc in their rooms I pretty much left them to it.

If he needs to do more around the house then that's what needs doing & what others do isn't really relevant.

I say this with love but your husband is not a nice guy if he shouts at your children until you're all crying. He sounds just like my dad and that absolutely sticks with you for life.

Be kind to yourself, OP. You did something you strongly disapprove of, but you're human and it sounds like you were provoked beyond breaking point. Just resolve not to do it again and have a calm chat with all family members about how to avoid this scenario in future. Use it to learn from and forgive yourself. Whether or not you want to forgive your husband, who sounds like he is being deliberately unpleasant because he's been asked to pull his weight at home, is another matter. If you don't stand firm, you'll end up going back to the time when he simply didn't do enough around the house and left it all to you. You need some strategies to deal with - and stop - his shouting and unpleasantness. Good luck!

I imagine op will find it very hard to accept that her dh was abusive to her DD’s and she will retreat and fall back on ‘but he is a great dad’ because facing up to this will be so hard for her given her background. She might feel she is being catapulted back.

However the stark facts remain. No man should be shouting or screaming at young teenage girls. Full stop. No man should continue once warned to stop, and carry on anyway. He is not a good father if he is reducing them to this level of distesss. Your reaction was that of a loving parent op, be that you wish you had been more eloquent etc - the point remains he WAS bullying your children.

Of course she was crying, she didn't want to clean her room and we don't know how long this has been going on for or how many times she has been quietly told by her DF.
There's an increasing narrative on MN that dc are their mothers but not the man's (father). Rhetorics like, 'You saw a man shouting at your dc and defended them' as if the man shouting is not their parent. OP witnessed her husband shouting at his daughters. He has every right to raise his voice just like many mothers do everyday.

@OP infact was in the wrong here, accusing her DH of bullying in front of their DD's. That is now ingrained in their minds that their father has no right to raise his voice, forget about disciplining them.... all 'bullying' and abusive. What she should've done is pulled her DD aside, consoled her and then spoken firmly to her to do what her DF said. Then have a private word with her DH (without the DD's there).

Crying is not going to kill any one let alone a 12yr old. It's OP crying that i find oddly hysterical.

Typical minimising mainly by men to justify abuse and poor behaviour.

No. It is not okay for anyone to be screamed at, there are other ways to communicate expectations without losing your temper and shouting.

It does not matter if it’s a parent or not, no one should be reducing their children to such distress and then to continue berating them.

It is unacceptable bullying regardless of whether it is a mother or a father.

At seventeen no, she does not compliantly have to do exactly as she is told by her father.

At seventeen she can have her room exactly how she pleases. It is wholly unacceptable for him to then lose his temper and start lashing out at his children. They are allowed to have a view that is different from his! They are young adults not toddlers.

I had a few melt downs in peri and was def more angry and less tolerant of mess and noise. Low dose of citalopram got me through. Think I would be divorced by now without it. Ask your doctor.

Edit to add not minimising DH yelling, but if you are calm you can diffuse not inflame difficult situations.

Why is it OP’s job to ‘diffuse’ her husband’s loss of self control exactly?

You are now suggesting she medicates to prevent her very natural instincts to protect her own children from an angry adult male bully?

I think I have honestly heard it all now.

I'm adding my voice to both of these posts.

You (and by extension, the kids) are being punished for daring to ask him to pull his weight. Look up DARVO

OP, i feel so sorry for you.
You sound absolutely exhausted.
How dare he scream at 3 crying women.
What awful behaviour.

I think you need to start looking after yourself.

Lazy men often are angry at their partner for demanding they do more.

This is abusive. Have an honest think about your relationship.

He was very very wrong. Not you.

Wow that's rude and unnecessary. The OP said "I have never screamed at anyone in my life. We have been together 20 years. I feel like I need to be on antipsychotics or something." I didn't say her husband was in the right AND I didn't say her reaction was wrong - I suggested a reason she might be reacting more strongly than she has before. If she has teenage kids it is quite possible that hormones are having an effect. Lucky you if you've never felt out of control due to your hormones.

So been there... Sounds like a conversation needed with DH about how you want to parent together. If he can't have that convo (mine couldn't), you might want to think again.

Hope you feel better today and you're getting the opportunity to talk through with your other half how unsafe you felt yesterday.

If not, therapy.

It’s ok OP and actually this isn’t ur usual family life. Be kind to urself and use this as an opportunity to reset.

I thought it was the 12-year-old with the messy room!

That said, whether children live in their parents' home or share a house with others, they should be able to have their room the way they like but it still needs to be kept tidy and clean. It’s a matter of basic respect for the people they live with.

Let’s be honest most parents have probably ended up shouting at their teenage kids to clean their rooms after asking nicely ten times with no result. Sometimes, they do need a bit of a wake-up call to snap them out of their self-centred daze. No, shouting isn’t ideal but neither is letting a mess go unchecked.

We don't know if OP has problems with her husband. She needs to have a calm and grown up conversation and lay it all on table. Shouting should be avoided but it happens.

Not sure I understand the crying part, or what happened there. If Op's husband is abusive she will have noticed before surely.

Given OP’s abusive childhood background, it’s possible she may lean toward permissive parenting. It’s understandable past trauma can make some parents more passive, cautious, or hesitant to enforce boundaries. Still, overly permissive parenting isn’t ideal, as children need structure and guidance to thrive and teenagers need boundaries and yes they get yelled at sometimes. As long as that's allowed by a reasonable conversation and apology and mending things it's part of normal life. Never shouting sounds extremely weird and repressed to me. Only shouting is abusive. Sometimes shouting is human.

*followed by a reasonable conversation

Absolutely. Teenagers can be real horrors. 😳

You say their rooms are a disaster. At 12 and 17yo then it’s pathetic that it’s a disaster. I would be shouting at them too.

Maybe it will make them tidy up their bloody rooms. Don’t think it’s a disaster for parents to occasionally flip out we are only human.