I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

[thenoodlemachine]

He was shouting at them and they were both crying. I lost it. I am feeling very fragile so please be nice.

What sort of language? I can't see anything other than shouting. And we don't know any history of them being asked to clear their bedrooms over the last month/6months and them not doing it. Sometimes shouting is the only answer.

Completely agree - OP just 'flipped' for a second - its fine - we've all done that. Its life. and a 12 and 17yo will have heard worse elsewhere.

On the other hand why did DP have to get so angry/feisty - have the kids been asked time and time again re their rooms and they've done nothing about it?

Someone mentioned he should have helped them tidy their room - FGS - they not 6 and 7 - they should be perfectly capable of keeping them tidy.

Everyone has in the past - but as Ive mentioned elsewhere why was DP so upset about the mess? Had they been asked many times before to sort their shit out - in which case I'm not surprised he got arsey with them. Ive got step daughters 23 +25yo - spend thousands of pounds on their rooms with top of the range carpets etc and they were a pig sty - makeup everywhere leaking onto sheets and carpets, hair straighteners left on the floor while hot damaging carpets etc, cans of drinks spilt onto the carpets - it made me mad so I can see why he may have been 'upset'

Poor OP. Don’t beat yourself up. H should be feeling much worse than you for doing the bullying in the first place. It can be a shock to kids when mum snaps while defending them, but if you are generally the peacemaker, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing for them to see you standing up for yourself and them.

I think you responded viscerally in the heat of the moment. There can be a lot of truth in such responses, that is, they are not inhibited by the usual social niceties. It sounds like the whole family needs to get together in calmer circumstances to explore what is going on in your family unit. There seems to be a genuine problem to be addressed.

I must say that I find it a good thing that you wanted to protect your children. Too many women tiptoe around angry men, beseeching their children to behave just to keep the peace - and never speak up on behalf of their children. So, it may not have been the best, but it was certainly understandable, and not the worst reaction, which would have been to take the side of the aggressor.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd put it better than I did :)

I said he could help. Not necessarily by actually doing any tidying himself, sometimes kids just need a hand to start. Particularly if there is a lot to do, it can be overwhelming. So even 'DD start by putting your clothes in the laundry basket etc etc'.

Pitching in to help your kids clean up - even if it's their own mess - is just part of being a family imo.

Welcome to the 'occasionally we are shit parents' club.

It is very different to the 'always violent and shouting parents' club.

Our kids are now adults. They have apparently survived, both in healthy relationships with jobs they enjoy and friends.

An awful lot of people here are jumping to interpret your husbands behaviour. But he’s not here, you are, and from your posts it’s not really his reaction that you want to talk about - it’s your own. From being pushed into behaving that way you did (screaming at your family) and then what seems like a big over reaction afterwards, excessively blaming yourself and feeling sick.

Have you ever had counselling to talk about being brought up in an angry household, and the lasting impacts that this will have had on you? Help to stay calm when it’s all kicking off? Or to be kind to yourself when it turns out that you are capable, in moments of stress, of being exactly the thing you hate most - an angry shouty parent?

If youre in your 40s, I really suggest trialling if you feel better on HRT.
Its amazing how good oestrogen can be at helping us tolerate stuff. Even without all the other health benefits

Oh OP I have been there. It’s awful but you will get past it. I love how no one on Mumsnet has ever been pushed to the brink by their partner or kids and everyone is perfect all the time.

I also hate shouting but once lost it with DH because he had this habit of blaming his mistakes on me (e.g. I only lost my wallet because you asked me to go to the shop for milk, if I had stayed at home I wouldn’t have lost it.”). It was a weird processing thing he did when he was annoyed with himself but I hated it and told him on multiple occasions. Once he did it when I was already in a bad mood and I totally lost it. I screamed like a banshee at him. Also felt shaky and vomity. He didn’t do it again though.

It sounds like you had good reason to be angry. Take yourself out for a walk or a coffee to clear your mind and then come back and reset.

Are You always so pompous?

Better the girls remember mum swearing at dad whilst she fought their corner than doing nothing whilst he bullied them.

Good for you, OP. I wonder whether this has been a long time coming?

all sounds awful
i hope it ended quietly

i think you should apologise and chat to your kids
you lost it

So, as the mum, you reached a point where the mix of parenting 2 teens, work, household chores, the mental load and perimenopause became overwhelming, and you had a meltdown.

It’s OK, because you are human. Don’t let the pearl clutchers on here make you think their families are perfect, they aren’t.

What’s clear here is that something has to give. Some things have to change. It’s unsustainable for everyone’s wellbeing.

Sit down with everyone and tell them things have to change and everyone has to pitch in. So;

• Teens need to help out with chores. At those ages they can cook too.
• Everyone needs to do a Stacey Solomon clearout
• Also, any chance you can get a cleaner in for a bit?

It sounds like YOU need a break. One thing my DC have told me is that when I’m upset, everyone feels it. With that in mind you need to look after you, so you have the energy to look after them.

P.S. don’t worry about the swearing. Your kids have heard worse.

All very dramatic eh. Bit of shouting then everyone starts crying, 🤔

I thought this. Screams of snapped and farted.

my opinion you’re both at fault, he shouted but so did you. Everyone shouts apologise and move on

And many children/teenagers are "performative criers".

You are not deranged, you defended your children in the only sensible way at that precise moment. I doubt a gentle voice and an offer of a placatory cup of tea would have helped. Obviously there's something not right, I suggest you try to talk to each family member separately to try and get a handle on this. If, when talking to husband, he starts blustering or raising his voice, stand up, say "I am not discussing this if you don't stay calm", and if he doesn't, walk out of the room. Repeat until you do get a reasonable conversation.

@thenoodlemachine you were protecting your kids. There are different ways to parent and shouting at a crying child is really just bullying. It’s not on. I’d have done what you did. Have a calm chat with your husband and don’t put everyone’s shouting in the same bucket - they are not the same thing.

But you said upthread you screamed at him a few months ago.

you both need marriage counselling. Screaming at each other is a horrendous way to treat anyone never mind your spouse. And a terrible example to set your children

What’s helping me now is trying to approach these overwhelming moments with more compassion—for myself and my family. No one handles chaos perfectly, especially with hormones wreaking havoc. It reminds me of how I try to keep things simple in other parts of life too—like using an Easy Zakat check tool during Ramadan to keep my spiritual obligations clear and stress-free. Sometimes we just need that little extra support, emotionally or practically.

being quieter wins the war in these situations

You reacted like you did because the situation triggered you.

You became overwhelmed really quickly because your central nervous system was flooded with stress (old memories) and in the moment you were back in your old life and helpless as a child, this is extremely common in survivors of abusive families. A touch point of raw pain and fear.

Ask yourself these questions when you are feeling calm and centred;

Would someone outside think it was okay if they saw your dh screaming in the way he was two crying girls? What do you think they would say?

What did it bring up for you seeing them crying?

Why didn’t he stop when you asked him to?

I ask this because it is normal for adult survivors that have been abused to accept and sometimes not even notice abusive behaviour that would be totally unacceptable to others.

I would not find it remotely acceptable for my dh to continue to scream and shout at my crying teens. I would also move to protect them, as all good parents would.

The issue here is that he did not stop op.