I just screamed 'Stop bullying my fucking kids' at my husband.

[thenoodlemachine]

He was shouting at them and they were both crying. I lost it. I am feeling very fragile so please be nice.

What's the background? Do you both work full time. Do.the dc take on the responsibilities that they should for their age?
Honestly it sounds like a divide and conquer situation.

Jesus Christ. Perimenopause is becoming the modern version of Victorian hysteria. It’s perfectly natural to have a breaking point when an angry man is upsetting everyone in the house, until they cry, that’s the manifestation of domestic abuse , not peri bloody menopause.

Your husband sounds like a bully, like he knows he isn't doing his share and tried to redirect the general anger on a 12yr old girl until she cried and kept going.

He was bullying them, you stood up for them, he needs to apologise.

Don’t make it your fault. It’s not a fault. Any mother would also need to raise their voice to defuse two parties shouting and crying at each other. That’s totally normal. You can’t do that quietly. It’s good that your kids saw you stand up for them.

ETA - the screaming and crying at each other is obviously not normal. But that is the problem - do NOT blame yourself for doing what you had to (successfully by the sounds of it!)

You all sound like you shout and scream at each other.

The majority of us cannot see what you did wrong here. Your reaction to this is genuinely confusing me.

He was screaming, you snapped and asked him to stop…why do you think you are the one who made everything worse? Do you think it’s your job to placate?

The most important thing in these situations is how you deal with the aftermath. Let everyone know that you are really sorry for losing it, that you didn't mean to make things even more fraught, and that it was clearly a day when everyone was feeling emotional - he was shouting, they were crying, you were shouting. Explain to DC it's not nice but it is normal for everyone to occasionally over react but what matters is to apologise and calm down and do something nice together to make up for it. Ask what they'd like and need.

IMO your DH should also be apologising and making an effort to restore calm and affection in the family, but you can only model good behaviour yourself and hope he picks up on it too.

This. Is he angry he is expected to do more housework?

Thank you! It’s getting annoying, now. Woman reacts negatively to man being an absolute twunt…ah, must be the perimenopause. 😒

You were all screaming.

Why are you making yourself out to be the only one in the wrong?

You ALL need to stop shouting at each other. It’s not just a “you” problem.

Oh and neither is the housework. Your husband needs to pull his weight.

Thanks to those of you taking the time to tell me people should not be screaming at each other. I already realize this.

@thenoodlemachine what's the state of her room?

I obviously don’t know the sibling dynamic but in my experience if one sibling is stepping in to protect another sibling then the person they are protecting them from has massively crossed the line (given that usually siblings are fighting like cats and dogs instead). Your daughter feeling the need to stand up for her sister tells you your husband was almost certainly in the wrong IMO.

I wouldn’t call you deranged, it sounds like you’re a great mum protecting your daughter’s. We could talk at length about raising salient points without raising voices, but my gut tells me you already know this. Just wanted to offer a handhold.

You know what, sometimes kids need to be shouted at. And teenagers have the ability to bring out the worst in us.

You say he shouted at DD over her bedroom, why? What state is it in? How many times has she been told to do something about it?

It’s easy to come on MN and say that someone else (generally a man) shouted at the kids and to immediately have everyone on-side and accuse him of being a bully. But the circumstances are important here.

If DD has been told time and time and time again to clean up her bedroom and hasn’t then sometimes shouting can be warranted.

And no, peri isn’t an excuse for screaming either although funny how women get a free pass because “peri”.

On a less sarcastic note, genuine appreciation to those of you who have taken the time to comfort a stranger. I don't really want to talk to anyone irl about this but I am shaky mess.

@thenoodlemachine not going to quiz you

There isn't enough information here but my first response was to be worried

Especially as the older sibling was defending the younger, that kind of put me on alert.

I sense it might be best to sleep in a separate room and address it all in the morning.

That sounds very hard. Take a breath. Yes, there’s been screaming and tears but everyone is safe and this isn’t the norm and you know it’s not right. That means it’s all resolvable and not the end of the world.

You need tomorrow to decide if this is related to the perimenopause and speak to your doctor. If there’s anything happening with your DH (health, work etc) then he needs to look at that.

Give the kids a hug,

Oh thank goodness, a sensible reply at last.

Honestly, I feel like I am living in a parallel universe sometimes. One where people are human and occasionally get cross and scream at someone else without the world coming to an end.

@thenoodlemachine I've been there. It was in a car park in Evian, can't even remember what the argument was about but for some reason the children had triggered dh. Cue a stressful night. he talked about flying home early, I was planning divorce. 16 years later we're still together - we'd just hit one of those moments. All the adult children are totally at ease with both of us. I'm sure you can move on xx

Why was he shouting at 12 year old about her room? If so the my answer is based on that possibility. If not ignore! Was she supposed to have cleaned it but didn't? Yes he shouldn't be shouting but if she hadn't cleaned it when asked she should be told to get on and do it.

It seems to have escalated when your 17 year old got involved and you called him bullying of "my" kids not "our" kids. Why was the 17 yesr old getting involved?

It sounds like the whole thing got out of hand. To be fair if he is calling out 12 year old for not cleaning room when asked or not doing it properly and you were wanting others to step up and help you should have backed him up and told her to go back to clean it and then had a word about the manner in which he had done it afterwards, setting out your expectations of how it should have been handled.

The 17 got involved because dh was shouting and dd was crying and the bedroom was tidy by then. But kids bedrooms are a disaster. DH was annoyed because he heard me telling kids to tidy rooms and he felt like he needed to get out of bed to deal with it. I was upset because I felt he was angry at me and taking it out on dd. And yes this all sounds incredibly dysfunctional. Hence discussing with strangers under an assumed identity! I do not think people should be screaming at each other. This only started a few months ago when I started getting angry about inequitable distribution of housework. DH feels is trying to do more and I don't want him to succeed.

@thenoodlemachine but you do see he was trying to back you up by telling them to sort their shit out albeit in a manner which wasn't appropriate?

Sit with him and explain how you want him to handle it when they don't do as they are asked.

It's a hard one to call since it sounds as if everyone is screaming and shouting at each other, not simply a one-off by OP's husband.

Sure, but it's fine for her husband to be screaming at their already crying children. Righto.