9YOD Pubescent GC of neighbour running around with bra top & 'Booty shorts'

[Idratherreadabookthanks]

I'm sorry for any errors, but am victim of abuse a child as wad DH, so probably a bit more sensitive to these things than others. For context: .We live in a gated community for over 60's. We love to share our neighbour's GC.

'Eve' has walked our dog for many years. She's taken her for a walk around the estate for about 4 years 'Eve' is now aged 9 over-weight. She's obviously a ' clever girl & doing well at school; But she's rather developed for her age.

This afternoon he appears wearing a bra top & 'bootie' shorts. which I thought tonally inappropriate for a child of her age. I told her that she should to go back to he G parent's house & get changed into something into a tee shirt rather than the bra top. She came back wearing on over-sized tee shirt which I felt more appropriate for someone of her age.

I then went to help a neighbour with her husband who has dementia & left DH to deal with 'Eve' .

GP have have since knocked on our door asking why we made their GC cover up. which was (they feel) was unacceptable. DH said we would never allow our Grand-daughters to go visiting neighbours half naked. He pointed out that, despite her young years, that 'Eve' is becoming a young woman now & they need to protect her.

Opinions please.

Do her parents know she is being left alone with you and also alone with your husband?

The husband who described her as ‘becoming a woman’ despite her being nine?

Ficking hell @Idratherreadabookthanks, this post has red flags all over it.

Op you and your DH are completely over stepping the mark here.
Your completely undermining her family both her parents and grandparents. You are also leaving yourselves open to accusations of abuse that to be honest it would be hard to defend.

Tread carefully.

You should not be encouraging a 9 year old child to be visiting you and your husband unaccompanied if your concern is protecting her.
She’s in the area to visit her grandparents, not you, certainly not your husband alone.

Sending a child away to cover up incase men look at her IS a harmful adult behaviour

Exactly this!

We are never going to agree

You are being so, so weird about this child. Stop scrutinising her body. Stop obsessing over when you think a child ‘should’ reach puberty. Stop policing her clothes. Teaching a kid to play chess doesn’t give you the right to be involved in any of this. You’re overstepping so much.

What has any of this got to do with whether she’ll go far in life or not? You think the age of puberty has anything to do with a child’s prospects?

Honestly, if I was this child’s parent or grandparent and you were talking about her like this, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near your house again.

TBH the Grandparents are likely to start discouraging contact anyway after her getting sent back for a t-shirt.

Why do you think that she won't go far, even though she is clever? Because you disapproved of her outfit?

You are being really judgemental about a 9 year old child who wore a crop top and shorts in hot weather. You are really crossing boundaries with your encouragement for her to visit you and your DH in order for you to instill your own quite old fashioned and conservative values.

Hopefully, her grandparents will now refuse to let her visit you.

The way in which a child dresses does nothing to either attract or repel a would-be abuser, any more than a woman who wears a short skirt and revealing top is asking to be raped. The problem is the behaviour of some men, and the way to combat it is to have direct and open conversations with your children about how to keep themselves safe. "Wear oversized clothes" has no place in a conversation like that.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be letting my 8yo dress like that either, but then I also don't allow her to plaster herself in makeup, unless it's part of a dress up game in the house or with friends. I just don't think it's necessary for young girls to be in a hurry to become women. But I'd have these views privately, and leave it to a child's parents (or GPs in this case) to decide that and not interfere.

Unfortunately some predators do target victims based on their own perceptions and clothing/ presentation can factor into this. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s how it is.

I think the issue is more that being dressed in inappropriate, sexualised clothing signals to an abuser that a child likely comes from a background where they are not adequately safeguarded, therefore marking them out as a lower risk target.

@Idratherreadabookthanks the only thing you and your husband should be concerned about is your forensic attention to the body of A CHILD under the guise of puberty and claiming to want to protect her.

The only people she currently needs to be protected from are a pair of overly invested strangers spending their time sexualising her and her clothes whilst saying she’s fat and implying she won’t go far because of how she looks / dresses. Perhaps read one of the posts on here defending you, outlining the things groomers focus on to get vulnerable children into their grasp. You’ll see a very very thin line.

I hope she tells her parents the things you pair of absolute weirdos have said to her and that other grandparents in your gated community see the red bunting flying from your house.

@SummerEve @Fargo79 what about groomers who rather than relying on hoary old tropes about what predators do, present as pillars of the community?
People who gain access through things like social activities - walking dogs, or playing chess for example.

People who, without a relative of the child there, cross lines into personal issues like clothing or bodies or a grown man who, when left a child alone with a 9 year old prepubescent child, talks about her body and refers to her as ‘a young woman’.

A child who is taught to feel shame about her body by people who ‘care’ for her, would be prime targeting for grooming, I would say.

Yes, it’s a huge problem. What we don’t need to do is compromise our own safety further though. I should be able to walk through the park blind drink at 3am, doesn’t mean I would though. The same applies to all sorts of other things, it’s just common sense.

sounds like you’re sexualise a young child. Very odd behaviour. Maybe you should stop looking at this child for their own protection.

You are absolutely right that a 9 year old shouldn't dress like that, sadly its all the shops seem to sell, my sister has an 8 year old and she rages about the slutty fashion of today for female kids. But, im afraid its not your place to say.

@Idratherreadabookthanks YANBU OP. Completely inappropriately, especially for a 9 year old.

I have a bias due to my religion but I've encouraged modest clothing for all my children. Even from a young age.

Do you think it was appropriate for OP’s husband to describe a 9 year old girl’s age as ‘becoming a woman’?

I'm probably oversensitive about SA since both of us have suffered it. DH at school, me at home. We would never have allowed our DD to wear that kind of clothing & she won't allow our GC to either.

This little girl (call her Susan) spends most weekends at her Grandparent's house because her mother has a new partner, has another small child, is PG & can't cope. Grandparents frequently drop her off & leave her alone in the house while they go to supermarket. Why they couldn't do their shopping at another time I have no idea. DH & me see her locked out, sitting on the doorstep, feel sorry for her & invite her over to our's, feed her, talk to her etc.

I get on with Grandparents & kindly spoke to them saying that 'Susan' was locked out & that we took her to our's, fed her etc. No reaction, no thank you which kind of pissed me off. They've now started dropping her off at our's leaving her to knock on our door saying that they've had to go to the supermarket & can she be with us, I understand that grandfather (aged 82) has dementia, grandmother cares for him &, frankly is totally exhausted.

To conclude this thread: DH & me have told her Grandparents that we can't guarantee that we will around much at weekends in the future & they need to find another option for taking care of Susan. We've also <very nicely> suggested that they do their weekly shop at a time when Susan isn't with them. I've even offered to arrange an internet delivery for them (obviously one paid by them not me).

Thank you to everyone who has given their opinions - all noted.

You are so right - we women should be able to walk down the street naked. Regretfully, if we wear the 'wrong' clothes it's our fault that we get raped, assaulted.

I was 11 when I was raped. What was my crime? I'd been put in my rapist's bed because there was an adult's party (we're talking 1973) several children there & we were put to bed by our parents in the place designated by the host - which, for me, happened to be his bed.

Oh god. I missed that. Wtf

@Idratherreadabookthanks you are a lovely person OP and I'm so sorry for what you went though. I completely understand your worries. Please, google your local authority and MASH- this will be the safeguarding team. You can explain the situation to them, and they can investigate. Don't worry about her being taken into care, that would not happen, the threshold for that is huge and she has a safe space to stay, but it sounds like this family needs support from social care- possibly both adult and children's. Social care early help team can signpost mum to charities that help overwhelmed mothers, my sister had a lovely lady coming every week after she had her twins.
This girl could also get a mentor, there's a lot out there. Social care is not all bad and you also need to safeguard yourself. Kids do and say all sorts for attention, never ever allow her to be alone with you or your husband. I completely understand your survivors instincts will be going crazy, but you need to safeguard yourself and your husband.
If there's no intervention now, I'm really worried something will happen to this child, even in a couple of years, she will be incredibly easy to lure with attention.
If you know where she goes to school, you can tell MASH and they will investigate via them, so you can keep your report completely anonymous.

What?! MASH etc will not be interested in the slightest!!