9YOD Pubescent GC of neighbour running around with bra top & 'Booty shorts'

[Idratherreadabookthanks]

I'm sorry for any errors, but am victim of abuse a child as wad DH, so probably a bit more sensitive to these things than others. For context: .We live in a gated community for over 60's. We love to share our neighbour's GC.

'Eve' has walked our dog for many years. She's taken her for a walk around the estate for about 4 years 'Eve' is now aged 9 over-weight. She's obviously a ' clever girl & doing well at school; But she's rather developed for her age.

This afternoon he appears wearing a bra top & 'bootie' shorts. which I thought tonally inappropriate for a child of her age. I told her that she should to go back to he G parent's house & get changed into something into a tee shirt rather than the bra top. She came back wearing on over-sized tee shirt which I felt more appropriate for someone of her age.

I then went to help a neighbour with her husband who has dementia & left DH to deal with 'Eve' .

GP have have since knocked on our door asking why we made their GC cover up. which was (they feel) was unacceptable. DH said we would never allow our Grand-daughters to go visiting neighbours half naked. He pointed out that, despite her young years, that 'Eve' is becoming a young woman now & they need to protect her.

Opinions please.

Yes I wouldn't have said that part.

Oh dear God.
You are aware there's lots of clothes like this for kids. River island / New look etc.
It's all about fashion at that age. I see it around all the time.
You've probably really embarrassed her

How is it different to a bikini in a pool/ lazing around by a pool or beach, would she have been asked to cover up then

I'm also a survivor of CSA, and it doesn't make me say those things about children.

So you're saying that me sharing how I feel (as a survivor of CSA) is disgusting?

They live in a gated over 60s community, is this ran by a company? Wouldn't any rapists and pedos have to declare they were on the sex register? Or the company do their own security checks. Also there is a very powerful art exhibition called What were you wearing? that shows the outfits of babies, children, girls and women that were raped or sexually assaulted to try and disprove the taboo that what you wear matters and to stop blaming the victim. There are many of these art exhibitions around. But here’s a link from the dove centre.

https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/

That’s not how the register works

Sounds like she stopped by the house to take the dog and didn't spend time alone with the man except a minute at the door, but obviously I wasn't there.

“She came back wearing on over-sized tee shirt which I felt more appropriate for someone of her age.
I then went to help a neighbour with her husband who has dementia & left DH to deal with 'Eve' “

OP’s wording doesn’t really suggest the child wasn’t left alone with the man.
If she was only with him for a minute why would the OP have to leave her with the DH?

The post doesn’t say the only contact they have with the girl is her walking the dog, only that the dog walking is one example. OP states she “shares” the child with her friends.

One concerning thing for the Ops DH is he was left alone with the 9yo girl.

An element of safeguarding for adults is making sure you aren't left alone with random kids. Making sure they aren't in a position to accuse you of any misconduct.

It all seems a bit suspect anyway surely nobody would tell a child to go and get changed?

Plus the dog walking for 4 years so 5yo.

Yes I stand corrected.

OP is a survivor of child sexual abuse. Do you think this may be impacting her viewpoint at all?

I have no doubt about that at all. Sadly, some victims of CSA seek reasons beyond their abuser to make sense of their ordeal. It's an attempt to regain control.

The reality is children are sexually abused because paedophiles prey on them. Women are raped because rapists prey on them. It has absolutely nothing to do with what they wear.

It's sad that we haven't got beyond that.
It's doubly sad that MNetters are still making a case for it.

Nobody is making a case for it.

I'm saying that implying that OP is a paedophile is disgusting. Which was very clear from my comment, so please don't try and misrepresent what was said.

That wasn't what I said.

But it's a bloody good job we've got you here to tell us which CSA survivors are good survivors and which CSA survivors are 'disgusting'.

I agree with you OP. I wouldn’t have said anything to another child however my own DD doesn’t wear clothes like that I find it lacks class and looks quite trashy. Next time just don’t interfere - people will think you’ve got a problem.

But it's not for OP to instill her opinions on another family's child

I agree, it it’s not kids though, it’s girls, boys get practical clothing that comfy and purposeful. Girls don’t. They get the complete opposite, but somehow that’s ok.

This is getting really tiresome. I know. I am sure she meant well but went about it the wrong way.

OP you essentially sent a child home to make herself less sexually alluring before she walked your dog, and you're here asking if that's reasonable? No. It's so not reasonable for so very many reasons.

You told a 9 year old child to go and change because you thought she looked too sexually appealing?!?!??!?! Wow. Astonishing that you can't figure out why that is horribly inappropriate! The person to speak to is not the child, but the parents! Do you have any idea how hurtful that comment could be to a young girl? (or to an older girl for that matter!!). It's bad enough that you told the child to go home and change, but to do so for those reasons is very very icky.

Furthermore, it's summer time! Plenty of kiddos are walking around in swim suits! Do you think children shouldn't be allowed to wear swim suits???

Surely you understand that the people with the problem are those who would ever be attracted to a child - not the fact that the child is wearing whatever clothes they are wearing??? You appear to have a similar mindset to those who say that young women who wear short skirts to nightclubs are "asking for it". Urgh.

The other language you chose to use in your post is also very very concerning: why are you using sexualised terminology to discuss a child? "Pubescent" (!!!???!!!) And to add to that grottiness you're making comments about the child's weight!! Seems that what you actually find distasteful is the fact that a chubby child is wearing some clothes that might be a bit too small for her and you don't find that aesthetically pleasing. Yikes.

I hope that family keep their little girl well away from you in future. That little girl doesn't need that kind of nastiness in her life, and the things you said to her - and the viewpoints you have - are toxic.

For future reference with other children: It is not your place to tell a child what to wear, unless they are in immediate danger (for example, you wouldn't allow a young child to play with a plastic bag/put a plastic bag over their head as part of a costume etc). If you have concerns then give the child's parents a call. If you don't understand this or understand why you have behaved in an offensive way then you may benefit from therapy so someone can explain to you not only why your views are offensive but what you can do to do the work to adjust those views. Frankly I wouldn't want anyone like you around my 9 year old nephew.

I am absolutely staggered that this OP seems to be so completely unaware of why so many of the things in her original post are so utterly gross. The best I can figure is that this is just a rage bait post. But given it's possible that this is a real set of circumstances I felt it necessary to respond to defend that little girl. Ridiculous that there are people like OP who are still in that "it's the girl's fault" mindset.

Because they are a hyper sexualized fashion designed to show off tits and ass in women. Therefore inappropriate in children.

You sort of are making a case for it. OP and posters who are supporting her and her DH's decision to comment on the unsuitability of this child's clothing directly to her and to her grandparents seem to think that sexual abuse victims who were dressed in a way that they would disapprove of have made themselves the targets of these abusers. It's not quite 'she was asking for it' but it is pretty close to that victim-blaming mindset.

Do you think that rape and sexual abuse never happens in societies where women have to cover themselves completely?

I totally disagree.

Because they are a hyper sexualized fashion designed to show off tits and ass in women. Therefore inappropriate in children.

Children tend not to have ‘tits and ass’ in the way adults do. It’s the projection of grown adults that sexualises what children wear, NOT children’s bodies.

The ‘what they wear is a flag to groomers’ is just another justification.

Children and women have been SA’d regardless of what they were wearing, how covered they were, how good or bad their parenting was deemed by others.
Doing things ‘right’ is zero protection from someone who is intent on abuse.

And in this scenario the attitude of OP and her husband not only commenting on but assigning the role of ‘young woman’ to a child is far more concerning and raises far more flags than a child in shorts. The language used is deeply indicative of an unreliable account of what the child was wearing.

The responsibility for assault lies wholly with the perpetrator never the victim. And especially not with a child.

The overweight thing is that she's reached puberty before at an earlier age than she should've done - puberty is to do with weight. I so feel for this child. She's a clever kid & should go far, but, my feeling, is that she won't. DH & me encourage her to visit, DH has taught her to play chess, backgammon etc. But we concerned about her.