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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
Ddakji · 31/05/2025 10:11

I would say the first isn’t (you answered her question of “what is chess”) and the second is (turned a conversation into a lesson).

If any of this happened, that is.

Guavafish1 · 31/05/2025 10:12

You must be very loud

Renabrook · 31/05/2025 10:13

Did they answer in Latin or Swahili? That is the question

worcesterpear · 31/05/2025 10:13

It depends how loud you were really. I don't see anything wrong with the chess thing, but the other example sounds a bit like you were testing her, in public, maybe to show off a bit.

5foot5 · 31/05/2025 10:13

Well the first two women might have been rolling their eyes because you told your DD that the aim of chess was to capture all the other player's pieces. Capture their King and then its all over.

RightOnTheEdge · 31/05/2025 10:14

Only if you were saying it really loud in the hope that everyone would hear and marvel at what an excellent parent you are 😆

Otherwise no OP, take no notice. It sounds like you a great mum having a lovely conversation with your son.

xyzandabc · 31/05/2025 10:15

I'd say it's nice that you are teaching your daughter new things that she's interested in.

But sounds like you're probably doing it a bit too loudly if all these people just walking by are hearing enough to know what you're actually saying. Maybe it's just your normal voice but maybe because you are outside, you are upping the volume and tone of your voice to make it sound more like it's for the benefit of the people surrounding you as much as your daughter.

CynicalSunni · 31/05/2025 10:16

If anyone sees or hears you do or say anything to your child its performance parenting. ( you see they think you are doing things for their eyes as they are so self involved)

When in actuality some people are loud and some people are quiet.

Sagepage · 31/05/2025 10:16

The fact that people walking past can hear your conversations clearly enough to find the content funny, suggests you are talking unnecessarily loudly.

MyKingdomForACat · 31/05/2025 10:16

Yes

Apollo365 · 31/05/2025 10:17

RightOnTheEdge · 31/05/2025 10:14

Only if you were saying it really loud in the hope that everyone would hear and marvel at what an excellent parent you are 😆

Otherwise no OP, take no notice. It sounds like you a great mum having a lovely conversation with your son.

This

mondaytosunday · 31/05/2025 10:19

A bit. The first you went on too long of an explanation - even your child probably lost interest. The second - it reminds me of a road trip I took with a friend and her child. We couldn’t do anything or see anything without it turning into ‘a learning opportunity’. Even her daughter was rolling her eyes.

DappledThings · 31/05/2025 10:19

Perfectly normal conversations that I would have too. But as others have said if you're saying it so that others can hear clearly enough to comment you're being too loud.

wandawaves · 31/05/2025 10:19

😂

Just out of curiosity, what were you expecting your 4 year old to say about the location of Australia??? It's in the Southern Hemisphere mummy? It's between the Indian and Pacific oceans? It's between latitudes 9° and 44° south, and longitudes 112° and 154° east, remember mummy?

SeaFloor · 31/05/2025 10:20

Not unless you were collecting glances for applause. But keep your voice down if other people’s responses are bothering you.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 31/05/2025 10:21

Unless you were being really loud, no. My dad was like this with me. Ultimately it was a gift.

Apollo365 · 31/05/2025 10:21

mondaytosunday · 31/05/2025 10:19

A bit. The first you went on too long of an explanation - even your child probably lost interest. The second - it reminds me of a road trip I took with a friend and her child. We couldn’t do anything or see anything without it turning into ‘a learning opportunity’. Even her daughter was rolling her eyes.

My brother does the first bit - never just a yes or no. Poor kid has long switched off

Threecraws · 31/05/2025 10:23

Ddakji · 31/05/2025 10:11

I would say the first isn’t (you answered her question of “what is chess”) and the second is (turned a conversation into a lesson).

If any of this happened, that is.

At 4 years old this is how they learn, if she pulled out an atlas and sat her down to study it at the picnic table, that would be performative.

Spies · 31/05/2025 10:25

mondaytosunday · 31/05/2025 10:19

A bit. The first you went on too long of an explanation - even your child probably lost interest. The second - it reminds me of a road trip I took with a friend and her child. We couldn’t do anything or see anything without it turning into ‘a learning opportunity’. Even her daughter was rolling her eyes.

Agreed. She didn't need a crash course on how to play chess she's 4, kids attention spans at that age are very short. The Australia convention wasn't actually a conversation it sounds like you were testing her which is also unnecessary.

Also I agree with others if you're so loud that multiple people can hear you then yes it's performative.

TheNightSurgeon · 31/05/2025 10:25

You must be exceptionally loud for two different sets of people to notice and react.

When I'm chatting with my kids while we are out and about I tend not to notice others either, so this suggests to me you were maybe looking about for a bit of attention.

TheKeatingFive · 31/05/2025 10:27

If your daughter is called Jocasta and/or you have a posh accent, then it is.

Hoplolly · 31/05/2025 10:29

Yeah, I'd think it was a bit performative and over the top. Every day, does not in fact, have to be a school day.

JustAnInchident · 31/05/2025 10:29

I’m surprised that others could hear you so clearly as to have any sort of reaction to your interaction with your child and also that you noticed their reactions. Can’t say it’s ever happened to me and I can definitely be quite similar in how I speak to my children (albeit not half so long winded as your chess explanation… and it tends to be more led by them rather than asking a very small child if they’d like to learn how to play chess!), maybe you’re louder than you think?

CountryQueen · 31/05/2025 10:31

You are talking loudly and looking around to see if anyone has noticed how super special you and amazing DD are.

Otherwise nobody would laugh at you and you wouldn’t notice if they did

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