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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
Funnywonder · 01/06/2025 15:28

OP hasn’t been back. Yet another grenade launch. Chuck it in. Get everybody bickering. Stand well back. I know OP’s aren’t obliged to return, but it’s hard not to question their motives when they don’t.

Abitlosttoday · 01/06/2025 15:39

I overheard a man talking to his daughter in a swimming cubicle the other day. He was all "I'm so proud of you. Your stroke has really come on. It's great that you keep going even when it's tough." If I had thought that he knew I could hear him, I would have suspected performance parenting, but actually I think it was just a snapshot of good parenting, which happened to occur in a moment when I was trying to wrestle a five-year-old into a swimming cap, and answer a seven-year-old's 4 billionth pointless question of the day... so feeling quite irritable. The child that dad was talking to is usually there with her mum, so the dad probably has more patience left... Sometimes people might hear me talking me to my kids in a 'performance parenting' sounding way, but I am definitely too self-aware to try to impress people like that.

ToWhitToWhoo · 01/06/2025 20:19

Also: I think that parents sometimes look around for others' reactions NOT because they're trying to show off or get admiration, but because they're anxious about being judged negatively. This is especially likely to happen if a child is whiny or restless or seems about to misbehave, The parent may then become a little loud in distracting the child, while looking around nervously. This doubtless sometimes makes matters worse, but is not being done to show off.

It doesn't sound as this was happening with the OP, but it occurs to me that the first episode of someone sniggering may possibly have (understandably) made her nervous, and therefore unconsciously a bit more intense in her subsequent conversation.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 01/06/2025 20:37

We could all maybe just be a bit nicer to each other as parents, and recognise that the fact that we can overhear a conversation or a parent's comment to their child doesn't mean that it's being made for our benefit 🤷

Matronic6 · 01/06/2025 22:16

LimitedBrightSpots · 31/05/2025 14:38

Who gives a toss what they thought? Their opinions were uninvited, valueless and should have been kept to themselves.

Technically they did keep their opinions to themselves they didn't share them with OP. She overheard/observed their reactions/conversation just like they had hers.

ToWhitToWhoo · 01/06/2025 23:45

Matronic6 · 01/06/2025 22:16

Technically they did keep their opinions to themselves they didn't share them with OP. She overheard/observed their reactions/conversation just like they had hers.

The same is true when a young child makes comments to their mother about a passer-by: 'Mummy, why is that lady so fat?' They aren't deliberately sharing their opinion with the passer-by: nevertheless, it's potentially hurtful and should be discouraged. More so when it's an adult!

Doingtheboxerbeat · 02/06/2025 01:04

Guavafish1 · 31/05/2025 10:12

You must be very loud

I first read this as you must be very proud 🤭.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/06/2025 19:57

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 01/06/2025 20:37

We could all maybe just be a bit nicer to each other as parents, and recognise that the fact that we can overhear a conversation or a parent's comment to their child doesn't mean that it's being made for our benefit 🤷

This. Such arrogance to assume that the only reason parents speak to their children is to stealth boast to passers by.

flummox · 03/06/2025 07:25

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

I can’t believe how many people are like ‘yeah possibly’. How dare people walk past and judge your parenting and smirk - that must have felt horrible to be judged like that. It is absolutely NONE of their business!

MiracleCures · 03/06/2025 07:50

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/06/2025 19:57

This. Such arrogance to assume that the only reason parents speak to their children is to stealth boast to passers by.

Exactly!
I think leaping to that conclusion says more about the person overhearing than the parent talking

Twinkletoes127 · 03/06/2025 10:20

Americano75 · 31/05/2025 20:01

Well, at least your child learned something useful. Little Henry's cunty dad taught him it's OK to rip the piss out of strangers for no reason.

It wasn't for no reason though, it was because she was being an insufferable loud show off.

Americano75 · 03/06/2025 10:31

Twinkletoes127 · 03/06/2025 10:20

It wasn't for no reason though, it was because she was being an insufferable loud show off.

Even if she was, so what? No excuse to be so needlessly nasty. God's sake.

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/06/2025 21:22

Twinkletoes127 · 03/06/2025 10:20

It wasn't for no reason though, it was because she was being an insufferable loud show off.

She may quite possibly have been annoyingly loud. She was not a show-off. Not everything that people do- not even everything annoying that people do- is done to show off.

Juniperwilde · 03/06/2025 22:15

“All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment!”

It is a learning environment though. There is no such thing as a non learning environment. She would have been learning so much without the need for all that conversation.

Those people that laughed and commented are clearly idiots, but it is mad that it happened twice unless you were being loud? Not that that’s any excuse to be rude to a random stranger and their child…

Many 4 year olds can’t handle that much information in one go and they can’t focus on the answer either. It can be pretty overwhelming…

I personally wouldn’t have said anything about chess or the table unless she asked, and then I would have said a small amount of information about the game as it’s too hard to understand even as an adult who has no idea. With the bird from Australia I would just have answered her question. Not everything has to be answered with many facts and information… it doesn’t have to become a quiz either.

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