Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Ask yourself if you do the same at home. Do you explain how a particular vegetable you are preparing grows? Or even why she's wearing cotton pyjamas not made by Uighurs in China.
If you do, you're not performative. Would be bloody tiring though, both for her and you.

The simple answer is “the other side of the world”.

Just ignore them. Who cares what they think anyway? Nothing wrong with conversing with your children and answering their questions. Better than sticking a tablet in their face all the time.

She was interested and so were you, it doesn't sound like you performed it and the other woman overheard as close by. I like hearing curious people talking together, particularly if it includes children. Performance parenting is more like an adult acting like a teacher getting the attention of a class rather than a small group talking together.

If your DC enjoys it who cares what other people call it? I have a relatively loud voice (since moving to the UK I have tried to lower my voice levels but often fail). I often talk to my children in a similar way. For me this is answering their question and helping them to make links bergen different pieces of information. Yes not everything needs to be a learning opportunity, but it is Fine and I would say shouls be encouraged that many are.

I used to explain everything to my children, get them to think about stuff, ask lots of questions, both in private, and when occasion demanded, also in public. I probably did have a loud voice, too. Still do. (Though not as loud as some people who talk on their phones in trains, urgh.)

I guess I was one of those 'performative parents'.

Did people laugh at me? They probably did. But I don't care. My children grew up, got well-educated (at public expense, I might add, though I helped finance their undergrad living expenses), did lots of postgrad degrees, charity work, travelled the world, partnered with like-minded decent people, had kids of their own, advanced in fulfilling careers ...

Now, I'm happy to say, they bring their own children up much as they were brought up - sometimes performatively. They don't care if people laugh, either; they have personal knowledge of the advantages of parental engagement like that for children.

I'm now a performative grandparent. Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.

You’ve got a thirst for learning and it’s great that you encourage your child. I think that father’s attitude towards his own child is quite sad.

I think it's perfectly normal to talk to your children about animals at a zoo.

I also find it pretty depressing that we are debating whether chatting to our children and asking them questions when out in public is acceptable parenting behaviour when I know as a teacher and school governor that large and increasing numbers of children are arriving at school barely able to speak.

At DD’s current primary having some kind of S&L issue is now almost becoming the norm, and I think this is much more of a pressing issue than parents discussing chess and Australia slightly too enthusiastically!

I find it totally bizarre that anyone would
think, from your description, that this is performative parenting. It’s not. It’s just parenting well.

Your child asked questions and you answered them and used them as learning opportunities in an engaging and natural manner. Thats gold standard. Imagine being petty enough to laugh at that?! It says SO MUCH more about them than it does about you OP.

I think the first may come across as a little pushy as chess isn’t the usual four year old game.

However, the second example is probably what I would have done. it’s good you’re interacting with your child and engaging their curious mind.

It might be that you were looking at them, while or after saying it, could have made you look like ‘oh I’m a super parent, check out Tarquinalia’s amazing knowledge’.
Had you not looked in their direction you might have a) not looked like you were looking for approval or b) even noticed any comments or eye rolling

Talking about what you are getting in the supermarket to young children is standard advice given out by health visitors and speech and language therapists.

No, Christ. The more we talk to our children and encourage their natural curiosity, the better.

Better than seeing children glued to phones because people cba to interact with them.

Sounds like a completely normal conversation and similar to how I spoke to mine at that age. Performance parenting is a label invented by people who feel a bit inadequate listening to an engaged parent.

Not really sometimes someone is just close enough to hear you 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Performance parenting is about volume as well as content. The parents chanting the 10 times table through my peaceful woodland walk yesterday were a perfect example.

I'd say you are close to crossing the line.

My dad used to go into highly detailed answers & explanations (in private). From an early age I would think " fucking yes or no" or "I just want to know what it is, I don't need the wiki entry".

Or maybe that they have no concept of personal space?

@NotSoSlimShadee I regularly talk to DD who is three about things she asks questions about or points out. She likes to know the answers. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, keep encouraging her curiosity. It's not performance parenting, it's just parenting.

The two DCs were not a class of 30 needing a tone that clears blocked ears and constant superlatives.
The other family groups were able to chat about their purchases, days etc. and involve DCs minus the performance.

Depends how loud you were really. They’re the kind of conversations I used to have with my kids when they were younger but maybe slightly less “performance-y” language and always at a quiet volume in public.

Agree. All a bit long winded and you must have been loud. Bizarre you noticed the reactions of others .

the phrase 'performance parenting' is just really really horrible.

it's one thing abotu mumsnet I don't recognise from real life> Any parent I see making a big deal interacting with kids is either - doing a great job or knackered and lonely and making the most of the chat !

Ignore them and ‘let them be’. If they want to judge & eye roll ‘let them be’.

People often speak to others / treat people the way that they speak to / treat themselves. When someone says something mean-spirited, or does something mean / or undermine people like you experienced, poor them that they have to live with that voice. You received it for a few minutes but for them, until they decide to change, it's for life.

I actually didn't know what performative parenting was outside MNs but I have met one in the wild.
My dc do an extracurricular where said parent attends, tbh it's not so much what they say but it's the volume and the body language. It's like they do it for the rest of us as opposed to for their child.