Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Ancient Greek, if you don’t mind!

Ancient Greek, if you don’t mind!

It's the volume, not the content.

I don’t believe both these examples took place on the same day (if at all) but if they did OP you can talk to your child however you want. I prefer listening in on educational conversations over parents screaming and swearing at their kids. It is no one else’s business.

Doesn't this just demonstrate the point though? You feel the need to tell everybody how wonderful your children are and therefore what a wonderful parent you are!

You’re fine @NotSoSlimShadee. Keep parenting how you want - they’re your children and your intention is to help your child learn.

And I applaud the parent helping children learn their times tables in a wood. That parent is helping their children learn something fundamental, helping their confidence in maths. Learning isn’t just done in a classroom by a teacher.

I find it bizarre we even have the term ‘performance parenting’ applied to a parent in helping their child learn. Education takes all forms and that includes parents teaching their child. It’s not just down to schools to educate.

So carry on, you’re doing a great job OP!

No you are being a good parent and teaching through play. Children soak it all up.
it’s so normal parents sitting on phones while their children play that interacting with your child is seen as showing off.
I know which parent I’d rather be. No different than getting your toddler to count each step he walks up or down and playing eye spy with colours.

Sounds great to me. Some of my fondest memories of my late Dad are of him explaining to me as a young girl how things work (he was an engineer).
Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Children are like sponges at that age. Good on you.
Don’t worry about whether people can hear you or what people think.

This all sounds normal. I feel like people don't expect you to actually engage with your kids. I chat away to mine because they are interesting small people and I actually like listening to what their chat is. That might be being told all about the latest loom band craze. Or it might be answering questions about where the sun's energy comes from (both topics with my 6yr old yesterday). I'm not going to refrain from answering the big stuff.

Sometimes I think it's performative ignorance on behalf of the tutters. My kid recently asked me what atoms are made of while we were on a bus. I casually answered her (at normal volume) and the woman opposite us did a massive eye roll and said "really?" I just said "Aye, really" and smiled at her.

And then spoils it all at the end with using a classist insult 🙄

Sounds like you were being a good Mum engaging with your DD & taking the opportunity to teach/reinforce learning. Unless you’re doing it particularly loudly the other parties are rude for making faces etc. One of my go to distractions when DD is grumbling out & about is asking her what noise various animals make. I could probably be accused of performative parenting for this but it’s something she enjoys and avoids more whinging. If she doesn’t want to take part she simply says “no” or doesn’t answer, I’m not forcing her & neither were you in the situations you described.

The race to the bottom is so depressing!

Our dd is now a young adult & excelling in university. From birth we talked to her constantly. She was always with one of us & we just included her in everything day to day that we were doing

She spoke early & had an excellent vocabulary & still does.

We crossed paths in a gallery with an old lady who complimented dds speech when she was around 18mths old & told us she was a retired professor of peadratric speech therapy & that dd's speech & vocabulary were wonderful & in her opinion it was because we clearly spoke to her a lot & read to her etc. And that she could professionally tell the difference. She didn't know us & just stopped us as we were walking around

I can't believe there are posters here saying you don't have to bother as everyday isn't a school say. Or that they'd make the Henry joke if they'd heard the op. Why? Why would you belittle someone who is speaking to a toddler / tiny child?

I love children who are curious about the world. It's a joy. I'm less keen on kids who have no interest & are happy to pull wings off insects or legs off spiders (we encountered kids like this in dds primary school)

Anyway as a previous person said- when ops child is in university & the other people's children still think learning is uncool, the last laugh will be on them!

Keep going op & ignore them!

You'd be surprised. Kids tend to zone in on an interesting topic and become a bit obsessed and mine at 4 was so into maps and continents, oceans etc.that they definitely would have answered southern hemisphere, and known what oceans it's by.

Kids are like little sponges, no reason not to feed their curiosity

yes with the chess thing you gave your dd wrong information. I remember telling my very young children that the capital of Australia is Sydney and a couple walking past staring intently. Then I remembered it is actually Canberra.

Indeed. IMHO an important aim of education should be learning to treat others with respect.

Thing is you could have done all these things and your child could be average at 18 months. It's not always about the parents.

Absolutely! We had no way of knowing what level of academic interest or achievement dd would go on to have & we were not engaging with her for that sole purpose.

She was curious & alert to things around her & we responded to her curiosity. Plus we just involved her in our activities so she was in galleries & at events etc

You care enough to notice, apparently.

Depends how loud or how full of yourself that you said it. But yeah my vote is you were performance parenting for the amusement of others.

No. You miss the point, which is as follows: All children are wonderful and have the capacity to be wonderful as adults. Some, though, are stymied by parents who don't talk to them and interact sufficiently. Such children, losing their natural (and wonderful) curiosity and engagement with the world, fail to fulfil their potential.

Talk to your children. Encourage their curiosity. Don't worry about what others think. Don't worry about being too loud (unless you're talking on your phone on a train - worry then).

But the conversation with the retired professor was interesting because she said there was a marked difference in speech development between young children whose parents / caregivers talked a lot to them & read to them and those who didn't. And it was the one thing she'd always recommended when she was treating young children. But they earlier it starts the more beneficial to the child's development of language.

Well done OP for bothering to engage with your child. Ignore the eye rolls, some people are dicks.

If you're turning everything into a lesson then maybe. If you're just trying to engage with your child's curiosity then no.

Offering to buy a chess set and teach her the first time she's ever shown the remotest interest in a chess table seems overkill to me but not performance parenting. I understand sometimes there might be a bit of self-inflicted pressure to encourage anything they show the merest interest in.

I agree with other posters that the volume of your voice is what makes the difference. There’s nothing wrong with explaining things to your child or testing their knowledge, but it becomes a ‘performance’ when passers by are involuntarily drawn in as your audience. I always had these wee chats and interactions with my DC when they were younger - discreetly though. DS1 loved it. DS2 not so much. I remember him telling me I was being ‘cringe’. I of course pointed out that the word he was looking for was ‘cringeworthy’, which earned me an extra eye roll🤣🤣

It's not the content of the conversations mainly it's the volume and/or making themselves centre stage. As if anyone was speaking quietly/approriate conversational volume no one would know. Plus its not just parents that do it. Just a personalty type.

Just had a class ruined by a few people having incredibly loud conversations/monologuing the way through it, plonking themselves in the middle and spreading out without any awareness (or maybe care - who knows) so that the rest of the class had to go around the edge. It meant conversations amongst everyone was muted when it's usually a chatty, friendly class.

Maybe just work on lowering your volume op. Nothing wrong with chatting with your child. I hope you had a lovely time together.