Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

No, it's not performance parenting. You're just encountering people who can't be arsed to parent and educate their own child, they criticise the parents who engage with children to feel better about themselves.

I think it's lovely when parents explain things properly, and at 4 they take everything in. However, some people inexplicably speak much louder and higher pitched to children, than other adults. A couple of my friends do it- it's baffling.

It's fine, OP, as long as you follow this up with gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

I’ve noticed that one too. How would a four-year-old explain where Australia was?
As for the chess example, I’d say the explanation was too detailed, given that all the child initially did was approach a chess table (presumably without any pieces on it?) So explaining how chess works in theory to a four-year-old seems a bit over the top.
I’m also surprised that the women who were just walking past were able to hear the entire longwinded explanation.

Taking the basic assumption that you are behaving appropriately in a public place; talk to your child in exactly the way that you prefer/works for both of you. Some children like to be told more detail, some children like to learn by watching, some children learn by physically engaging and don’t enjoy being told facts……Ignore anyone who’s implying that your way is bad just because it isn’t what they would do

Nothing wrong with the conversation with an interested child, the key part is the volume you say it at. You must be loud, perhaps without realising, if people walking past are picking up your full conversations so clearly. Turn the volume down no one else needs a lesson.

Christ. This whole performance parenting snark just seems like another stick to beat mothers with, to be honest. I don’t think I’m as descriptive as you are but if my 3yo asks me a question I tend to answer in a similar fashion as I like talking to her and she also tends to come out with hilarious insights of her own. I also could not give a shit who is listening

I say you carry on like that as you please and you’ll have an interesting child

What? In my open plan office I can hear colleagues when they talk to me, in their normal voice. They aren’t loud. If I’m in my garden, I can hear people talking next door. If you can’t hear someone talking two metres away, get your hearing tested.

I educate my three children all the time. Other people around never realise. I can be done without the touch of 'see my good parenting'.

Flashback to my mum taking my brother and I around cathedrals, and we went to loads, loudly reading out the guide book and then asking questions to check we had been listening. Strangely I know a huge amount about flying buttresses.

As others have said, maybe you were talking a bit too loudly but it’s good that your child is interested and that you can answer their questions - as long as it’s age appropriate language that the child will understand.
The other people were mean and probably prefer to leave their kids to run wild while they have their noses in their phones!

It's completely normal, but it's also fairly common for parents to not speak to their DC much and just shut it down with a reply like "it's called chess" or "they're from Australia". What you're doing is beneficial for the child and someone who judges talking normally to a child is not really worth worrying about judgement from.

Also those other people sound like dicks. You’re teaching your child to be curious and ask questions, and also on a broader level, that you’re interested in talking to them. They’re teaching their children to mock interest in knowledge and that it’s ok to be rude to people to their faces

Australia is on the other side of the world.

Two lines about how chess works is hardly an in depth description.

Maybe the problem here is OP didn’t baby talk to her kid and used normal adult language. That worked fine for my 4 year old.

I think that’s all fine & it’s a shame more parents don’t actually teach their children general knowledge. It’s the type of things we would have done but I didn’t realise it was OTT. My kids now have better general knowledge than I do on some things. Maybe you were being loud if they could hear what you were saying?
I think it might also depend on the area you were in. For some people that would be normal & for other people it would sound like you were being OTT. For example if you were in a posh part of London it would probably be fine.

I suspect that DP and I are guilty of what MN would describe as ‘performance parenting’. We know stuff and love learning ourselves, we like imparting knowledge to DD (7) and we go to lots of places that facilitate us doing this. As a result DD is very articulate, engaged and curious about the world, asks lots of questions and is doing brilliantly at school. We’re not OTT or deliberately loud about it, but in any case I don’t really care if random bystanders find us irritating or pretentious - our conversations are completely harmless and way more productive than the aggressive barking of instructions, swearing at or full on ignoring of DC (often while glued to a screen) that we frequently encounter from other parents when we’re out and about.

Also re the ‘special performance parenting voice’ I suspect I use this and that many of those doing likewise are teachers like me. You do tend to adopt a certain tone with younger DC to engage them, and it can become a bit of a default setting. My SIL (a primary Deputy Head and Early Years specialist) does exactly the same with DD.

I walked into a performance recently in Lidl. Went in to get a few things. There are often young children with families but on this occasion a mum was loudly performing picking up washing up liquid, planning a meal etc at her 2 young DCs (not with them). They were props. She was watching people around could she see how perfect they were? Should she break out into a full song and dance?
Well no, surprisingly her aisle was quiet as people weren't there for the parenting show. I diverted to the end and went in reverse.

I was in a bookshop cafe with my granddaughter, about 6 or 7, I'd bought her a Paddington book as she had just caught on to reading, She asked me suddenly, Does a letter q always have a u after it? I talked about how a lot of words in English come from other languages, like bungalow, and there are some words that do have a q with no u that have come from other languages such a niqab which some Muslim women wear. I also showed her qwerty on the phone, a woman on the next table, they were very close together, said Phew, I'm glad no-one asked me that! I wondered if I was guilt of performance grandparenting but thought all I'd done was address her question. She still asks awkward questions, years later!

I think both fine but just speak quietly

The conversations sound over the top for a 4 year old....especially as you were obviously looking around that you seen the other parents reactions

Yes. They’ve been playing capture the flag since nursery.

I don't think so, it's just standard parenting stuff isn't it? I sometimes over explain stuff to my kids and realise I've lost them halfway through but it's an annoying trait of mine, not something I do for the benefit of others.

I would also likely ask them what lived in Australia although probably not ask where the location is. It's not a test, it's not done to show what an amazing child mine is (at 4 I would expect them to know that kangaroos lived in Australia) it's just conversation.

To me performance parenting is asking non child friendly questions like algebra to a 4 year old so that you can be smug about them knowing such complicated things but doing it in such a way that it is clearly for the benefit of others. So really loud, looking around to see if anybody else has noticed etc. There may well be a 4 year old good at algebra so it's perfectly acceptable to talk about it in a normal volume like you would discuss what was for dinner that night which isn't performance parenting.

It literally doesn’t matter what other people think and if they think it’s performative. It’s better a performative partner than one glued to their phone. When my mum takes them out she’s pretty bad for “performative parenting” (well grand parenting) and it can be a little cringe, but she raised 6 kids who all came out pretty successful despite very limited resources so maybe there’s something in it. Also my kids love it because they always come back and say “granny taught me XYZ” and they retain a lot of it.

When I’m answering my DC’s questions (in public) I don’t notice other people’s reactions.
If you are engaged with your child I don’t know how you would pick up on all these people smirking or making comments? Unless you are looking around to see who is listening in whilst you explain things and ask your child questions? That in itself is performative.

Otherwise I wouldn’t worry about other people. MN is also a weird place where people are always accused of putting too much pressure on their DC if they have even basic expectations of them. I had my arse handed to me on another thread because I said I thought my 12 year old should know the name of the prime minister.

@NotSoSlimShadee no, it’s not performance parenting. To me it’s engaged and in the moment parenting. Answering your child’s Q and where appropriate linking it to other subjects they may have been taught so it sort of reinforces that previous teaching. Kids enjoy receiving attention from their parents and even if they only take in 10% of of what their parent tells them it’s still more than they previously had. I think it also encourages kids to be curious and be confident to ask Qs which I think is a useful life skill to have from the outset.

Regardless of whether you’re loud or not, the reactions you mention receiving from other parents just reveals them as being immature and probably made insecure by witnessing your parenting style. I disagree with PP saying they reacted like that because you were loud - nope, if they were loud a mature person would just ignore and walk on by. Is it really that offensive to hear a parent talking to their child? Within a few seconds they’d have been out of earshot. The fact they some of them chose to look directly at you whilst eye rolling says more about them than you. I don’t have kids but if I did, I wouldn’t give a flying feck if I’m loud or not to others I’d keep being in the moment and carrying on as you are. Sounds like you’re a great engaged mom ♥️