Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Exactly

Not so much what you said, but the way you said it, if people are rolling their eyes.

Perfectly normal to explain what chess is, a bit weird to quiz on Australia. Quizzing in a loud voice might look like you want to show others how much your DD knows. Just chat normally about Australia, where it is and what animals live there.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said. It's possible you were quite loud or something about your body language made it seem performative. But if it wasn't, then don't give it another thought.

Also, some people are loud and performative. If that is you, that's ok! Others will mock (I would probably have made the Henry joke to myself! not said it so you could hear which is quite rude! But I possibly would have some internal dialogue and judgement about you) BUT you just need to ignore them. Parent how you want to parent. We r all different and just don't worry what other people think. We all form judgements about others and have internal dialogue about other's. It's human nature. But other people's thoughts about you should not change you.

My sil is embarrassingly performative and loud and whenever we go anywhere with them we stand out and everyone stares because she's bossing everyone about, talking loudly, we r taking up space etc.. I used to die inside and hate feeling judged when I went out with her, but now I just accept she is who she is. People will judge me simply by being part of this loud brash group. But I'll never see these people who r staring and judging again, so I'm shouldn't care, and honestly, no-one should care about judgement.

I think it's too much of a coincidence that you garnered all those reactions in just a single day if you weren't being at least a little bit performative.

Sounds like it.

Due to the fact that you picked up the fact two seperate couples reacted.

You did get a bit complex with the chess question though.
Reminds me of the story of the child who asked where they came from. Parent goes into an in depth birds and bees discussion. Afterwards child respond, oh as my friend Mary is from London.

I recently saw a woman trying to have a similar conversation with a child who couldn’t have been more than 3 about a painting in an art gallery, the kids wasn’t interested and I was cringing for her. The conversation about chess wouldn’t have meant anything to your child unless she could actually see the pieces and surely just saying the bird was from Australia would be sufficient for your daughters question?

If other people notice you all the time yes it's too much of a show off.

Ok, so now we aren’t supposed to ask questions of our children? You know it’s the best way for them to retain knowledge?

If we can only do it on a school day, are these designated across the U.K.? I don’t want to get it wrong and pick the wrong day.

We are supposed to whisper to our children when they are out? Because anyone passing me within a couple of metres would surely hear my conversation.

No It’s not performance parenting (I hate that phrase, it’s normally describing good parenting) and how you answer your daughter’s questions is nothing to do with anybody else. After the guys comment I would have said very loudly… Another lesson for today darling, that over there is what we’d call a twat, they can come from any country and unfortunately they’re everywhere.

😂😂

Really? Talking loudly enough for everyone within a couple of metres to hear you is loud.

OP, things like tone (emphasis), body language and loudness can appear to be attention-seeking, the look at me parenting show.
Consider the difference to someone reading the news to Mr Tumble (or whoever presents to toddlers these days). Both say information but in very different ways.
Then think about what your DC was asking, did they just want to talk but you swayed it to fit a more 'intelligent' slant for those passing by?

Not performative. How are children ever supposed to learn about things if someone doesn’t ask questions of them and explain things? My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe and we have discussions in public about who did what when, why wouldn’t we?

I teach Early Years and the number of children I work with who are clearly never told anything is obvious and depressing. Keep doing it, those other parents are dicks.

I don’t see anything wrong with turning everyday interactions into learning opportunities. Learning isn’t just for school.

So it sounds fine to me, unless you were either very loud or your DC was clearly not interested. If you’ve got a bright little thing who’s curious and has a decent attention span for her age, you shouldn’t avoid teaching her stuff just because other people might judge.

edited for typo

I'd never heard of performance parenting before MN. My husband and I are both former teachers and believe anything can be a learning experience. If I see an opportunity to get DD thinking, whether it's finding letters or words on a menu or recognising animals on wallpaper, I'll take it.

If other parents find that annoying, that's their problem. When your DD is drawing on her general knowledge about Australian birds to write a personal statement for a year studying abroad and their DS still thinks learning is uncool, you can laugh at them.

I’d only call it ‘performance parenting’ if it’s done loudly enough for me to hear, and in that manner that seems intended to impress anyone nearby. And there is a certain PP manner of delivery - so it seems to me, anyway.

You might want to lower your voice a bit.

This^. As long as OP does this quietly and not to show off to those around her, how clever both herself and her dd are. Also, would a 4 year old know what "capture" means? Perhaps OP has already explained that word to her dd in a previous lesson , who knows

dont give thought to the laughing women.
they were being mean girls

Nope, it's called good parenting. You're engaging with your child and teaching them.

a musician or music teacher, i forget what exactly, came to our toddler group and did really over the top singing along with the nursery songs.
it was cringe making
but no one laughed.
she did ruin the song imo

🤣🤣🤣

Sounds fine to me. The (correct!) answer to "where is Australia?" From my own 4 year old would probably have been "where Bluey lives". I wonder if that would have changed the perception of the other couple. I love answering the endless "why?" questions! Except at bedtime...

I’m sure she was expecting her to say “it’s on the other side of the world”