Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Except literally every piece of guidance tells you to narrate what's happening and what you're doing to your children so they learn what everything is and the names of things.

You'd also be judging if this mum was completely silent and staring at her phone, because of no interaction.

Leave mums alone.

"A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”"

Well you did turn a simple question into a quiz. If I'd overheard that I'd have (inwardly) rolled my eyes.
Sorry but you did ask.

Eta: Not that it's any of my business. Do/say what you like. Who cares what other people think?

Why are you so aware of other people and not actively absorbed by your child?

I think the only times I've ever clocked performative parenting were when the parent was clearly looking around to gauge the reactions of others to the way she was behaving. The clearest example occurred in a supermarket where a woman in the frozen foods section was laboriously and overloudly, in a very clear and penetrating voice, getting her child to identify and describe all the different sorts of frozen vegetables and talking at length about how many vegetables they would have for dinner this evening. She seemed to expect that people would be listening and noting how well she was doing her job. My heart went out to her small child who was clearly used to everything in their lives being a lesson.

The fact that you seem to have been very aware of other adults laughing and eye-rolling does make me wonder whether you weren't performing for the crowd. If you're focussed on your child surely you're not aware of how others are reacting. I could well have said all those things to a child in my care, by the way. I tend towards the didactic. Nothing wrong with it, done quietly and with the focus on the child and its level of understanding.

I was wondering this too OP.

Saw a dad cradling a tiny child, no more than maybe 15 months, had very limited vocabulary. Child pointed to something and tried to name it in toddler babble.
Dad answered “ how very astute and vigilant of you to point that out, and yes, you are correct” then went onto explain how it works and why it might be there. He was a very well spoken kinda posh dad, clearly educated due to the choice of language and wording.

Child had long long since lost interest and was pointing at 100 other things.

I was left pondering the reason for the extended, technical and pretty detailed answer.
The dad was loud but seemed absorbed rather than talking for the sake of the people around.

Felt a bit bad for the little child as the fun & delight seemed to be sucked out of that tiny moment by the dad who was just educating as far as I could see.
Each to their own I suppose.

Dh was chatting to dd age 2 about birds and telling her what each were in some parkland. He was entertaining her while waiting for me to finish in an appointment. Some woman accused him of performance parenting. He was just trying to keep a 2yo occupied and was talking about stuff he knew about. We’ve always spoken “normally” to our dc rather than “look at the birdy wirdy with his flappy wings”. I think talking to your dc is good. The only time I’d roll eyes is when an adult is bragging under the guise of chatting to their dc. “Oh Henry, we must get home as I need to clean all 7 of our bathrooms… oh the trouble with such a large house. Our house is very big isn’t it Henry?” (Actual conversation heard on a train 😂)

dd1 is now 17 and hopes to study biological sciences at uni and is still interested in birds and nature 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

The fact that people walking past can hear your conversations clearly enough to find the content funny, suggests you are talking unnecessarily loudly.
Not really sometimes someone is just close enough to hear you 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Normally you hear aniopets of the convo.
Op has described in a lot of unnecessary detail to a small child the point of a game and chess. I would guess IT OP was quite loud if they were smirking and having retorts between them.

After the guys comment I would have said very loudly… Another lesson for today darling, that over there is what we’d call a twat, they can come from any country and unfortunately they’re everywhere.
Of course you would. 🙄
You would have sworn in front of your child and took on a bloke that you know nothing about?
I would have thought that in my head but why risk a public showdown in front of your child?

This. One of my children in particular wanted to understand anything and everything. He's always loved trivia. It sounds exactly how a conversation would have gone with him.

If you are truly focused on your child and not on your ego, then ignore the laughs. Some people will look at you as a show off because they have different values, but I don't see anything wrong with explaining things to your child when they ask or in encouraging them to think about the world around them.

As pp have said, it’s volume rather than content. We had a dad on the train the other day talking to his children loud or should that be ‘loudly’?) enough to be heard clearly throughout the carriage.
It was annoying.

I think your explanation about chess was probably a little long winded for a 4 year old and I’m not sure I would have asked where Australia was, but like you I would have asked what other animals live there or perhaps asked if she knew what the birds ate or discussed their natural habitat.
I have a very inquisitive 5 year old, for instance we came across some tadpoles and newts in a shallow pond in the woods. We talked about what newts ate, what tadpoles eat, what their life cycles were and what animals predated them. We just chatted about in conversationally, in our normal way. I doubt the people passing by us even heard or knew what we were talking about.

@NotSoSlimShadee IMHO you’re a wonderful parent. This is exactly how kids learn. Adults explain things to them when opportunities arise. IMHO parents should take prime responsibility for educating their kids. Also grandparents, good friends etc. A good friend taught my DS about planets (on holiday by the pool) when he was 4. He’s since studied astrophysics.

When they’re that age, they’re so eager to learn. When kids are older, they soon make it clear if they don’t want to listen.

As for the people who sneered at you. That’s their problem. Maybe they don’t want to interact with their kids in that way. Maybe they prefer to leave kids to learn about stuff online, books, on TV or at school. That’s fine. But IMHO they should educate themselves (and their kids) on keeping their judgement to themselves.

No one should outwardly sneer at someone else’s parenting. For those who do, it’s their problem, not yours. Disrespectful.

As for ‘performance parenting’ my understanding is that’s where you put on a show for others. You were clearly only focused on your child. As long as you’re not being loud or pushy to others’ annoyance, why would they care?

Ugh yes.

My ex MIL was like this with my ex step kids. They'd be sitting their innocently eating a sandwich after a long week at school.

'SS6, DO YOU KNOW THE FRENCH FOR CHEESE? NO? ANYONE? SD12 DO YOU? YOU MUST!! IT'S FROMAGE. FROMAAAAGE. Oh look SS8 the two cats have come outside. DEUX CHIEN. CAN YOU SAY oh they've gone"

No she wasn't French. They ended up really not wanting to go to see her and I had to try and cojole them but frankly I can't blame them.

Don’t worry what anyone thinks about your parenting style. You’re talking to your child about nice things, you’re educating her and ultimately she’ll grow up more confident. Take no notice of what anyone else thinks and please don’t stop having conversations with her in public.

This is just so British. Speaking loudly enough for someone to hear you 😂. Must we all whisper to our children for fear of judgement?

I think I must be a performative parent. I am a teacher and I think I accidentally use my teacher voice while I'm chatting to my children and I would absolutely have explained the chess thing. I'm not sure I'd have thought to quiz on australia but who cares? I speak to him exactly the same in crowded areas or if we are alone so 🤷

See also the ‘my date embarrassed me by yodelling in a naice restaurant’ thread.

We aren't Spanish but pre-school have Spanish lessons and DD (3) LOVES them. She loves learning the language and is so proud when she knows the name of something in Spanish.

So we do ask, regularly, if she knows the word in Spanish. We are also having to learn it because we don't speak it. But when they love it, you encourage it.

I've always talked to my children like this. I spoke to them though, not to the room. Maybe some people are louder without realising it. My sister is awful for loud performance parenting. It's so cringe.

Tbh I think it’s less about what you say but more about the manner you say it that makes it performative - overly loudly, kind of glancing around to see if people are looking and body language in general, going OTT with things in a way you wouldn’t if there wasn’t an audience. It’s hard to describe but you know it when you see it instantly

I explain plenty to my DC when out and about but I doubt anyone would hear us in public, certainly not for long enough to roll eyes or mock, because I speak in a normal voice at a normal volume and I wouldn’t really be aware of random people around us were doing anyway.

I do know a dad who has a very loud voice and does get a lot of ‘looks’ when he’s booming stuff to the kids, but actually he’s always that loud, not just a performance thing!

It could be the OP has had comments directed at them before and criticised for their parenting making them hyper aware of others judgement.

It's the looking around and trying to sweep others into your moment of joy that seems to happen on occasions. No one cares. We've all had children and really are not interested in yours. 😂

Other people’s insecurities about how they engage their children aren’t your problem OP. (Do remember to tell DD it’s square ‘root’ not ‘route’ though 😂)

I can't see anything wrong with it (as long as you weren't projecting dramatically). The other parents sound rather ignorant.

You keep doing you. Knowledge is wonderful.

Maybe she’s a teacher. I have two primary school teacher friends who are in teacher mode with their kids.

100%. That’s how my kids learned everything. Colours, numbers, letters, languages. As games, while we were doing stuff.

My mum used to do it a lot when they were small. We’d walk up the road and she’d ask them to name a letter or number in a car numberplate. Or the colour of a car. They’d get so excited (and praised) when they got it right. It built their confidence. My mum left school at 15, so limited formal education. But she’s inquisitive about the world and self-educated. It’s how her dad taught her. On walks.

Spanish is a good language for kids to learn young as it’s pretty phonetic. IME learning languages is best started young, before they can fully read or write, as they learn by ear rather than imagining how it’s spelt.