Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

This is my paranoia... Just trying to make chitchat with my very talkative nearly 2-yr old. I think it's fun reinforcing what she's been learning about at the childminder, in books etc... I try to do it as quietly as possible, but sometimes if she's in the pushchair, or we're in a busier situation, it's probably audible. Especially self-conscious when we talk in a different language or if she asks me to sing.

Chess explanation too long for a 4 year old

There's a difference between talking to/teaching your child in public for your child's benefit, and doing the same thing for the benefit of people around you to hear. The former is lovely, the latter is obnoxious. It's generally obvious which it is. I'm not suggesting you were obnoxious. But there is a stark difference between the two.

Sounds like you are doing a great job teaching your child :)

Isn't performance parenting when you're speaking loudly to your child in public?

What you were saying to your daughter wasn't you performing, it was answering the questions of an obviously curious child.

Really 😲. I'd expect a 12 year old to know the PM by name and the Leader of the Opposition. Doesn't Civic Education fall anywhere on the curriculum or do you not watch / discuss current affairs in your house?

I don’t think that sounds too bad. The other thread was full of funny examples, the parents talking loudly about a ‘yummy croissant’ (🤢🤣) and holding people up at the airport scanner sounded way more infuriating.

This is what I would do with my kids…quietly.

It would only be performance parenting if you were doing it loudly for an audience which if 2 separate people have commented may be how it has comes across

How can you possibly know that without knowing the 4 year old? There is a HUGE range of “normal” at 4 plus the outliers.

I think this is a perfectly normal conversation to have with your children. My mum used to talk to me and my brother like this and we both love learning still. I talk to my sons like this too.

Unless you where shouting it to make others notice, take no notice at all. If you want to teach your child when out and about because that's what you like to do with your child and your child's happy too, which is what it sounds like, then forget anyone else's opinion.
I don't see why everyone thinks just because others hear you, you must have been shouting?! I hear conversations when out and about all the time and the people are talking at a normal level. I'm just close enough to hear.
Why does it matter that you asked your daughter if she remembers other facts about Australia you've taught her, as a EYP this is the kind of thing we'd love all parents to do a bit of, because it's similar to what a good childcare provider would do in sessions. As long as you don't make every single thing a learning objective lol, just get on with you want!
This is just another word to make parents feel bad about how they want to teach their child

I’m going to post my own post again which is terrible form but I'm slightly fascinated that several
of us have posted a similar explanation and its being roundly ignored by people who are just gasping to point out that they are only talking to their kids….

I think they were both a bit much, yes. A 4 year old doesn’t need such a detailed explanation of chess - I’d have just said ‘you move some pieces around the squares’

And the Australia thing too, all you needed to say is ‘it’s from Australia, remember when we went there?’

Also depends on how loud you are! The fact that people have reacted on 2 separate occasions probably means too loud…

They are missing the "performance" part and thinking "parenting" is being knocked.

Once you've seen it, you know it!

Really? My child would have definitely wanted the more detailed explanation by 4. In fact I think he'd have wanted a more detailed explanation by 2.

I think it just shows how much variety there is between children of the same age. My son was having proper conversations with me before he was 2. I remember because we had a long train ride to go and meet a family member who was working at the 2012 Olympics and I remember chatting with him all the the way on the train and this lovely older lady leaning over to say how lovely it was to hear us chatting. He still looked like a tiny baby as well as he only had about 3 teeth

I talk to my child. Have done since they were young. Now that she’s a teen I’d say she is smart for it and holds down a conversation and is curious.

Most people don’t get to know their children - which is sad.

only thing is advice is ignore. Some people forget that children are humans that talk too.

Even if this was the case... who cares? Even if for some reason, parents were talking loudly for the purpose of what... hoping other adults would be impressed by them (which I can only imagine is rare), it's hardly crime of the century, is it? You'd still have to be a dick to

a) Care that much that someone is being "performative".
b) Be that certain that this is what is happening (rather than that the other person just happens to have a louder voice or whatever).
c) Think that being rude to someone out with their child, is an appropriate response.

Really, what's the point? The people being rude, paint themselves in a bad light, no matter what. But more likely, they paint themselves poorly... and are also wrong about what they thought was happening.

Pretty self-absorbed, to think that someone's interaction with their child... is somehow for your own benefit 😬

I think if the child asks follow up questions and shows an interest then of course you answer them. But to launch into a full on detailed explanation of how to play chess is OTT, when most 4 year olds would have lost interest after the first sentence and will have moved onto something else!

Surely a parent is best placed to judge their own child's level of interest?

Since the day my son was born, I have always spoken to him as an adult. I just could not bring myself to "gaga,gugu" a bottle is a bottle not a "bot bot" dinner is dinner not "din dins" ect you get the gist. I was mocked and ridiculed and told I needed to speak to my baby in a child appropriate voice. I ignored everyone.
I'm now the proud mother of an 18yr old who is going to University in September to study linguistics and philosophy.

You do you. You explain and teach in your adult way and your clever little girl will grow into a clever, educated adult.

Kids need to accumulate and assimilate information, but if you want a smart kid, don't give them the answers, make them think of the possible answers using their prior knowledge. Don't be afraid to leave them in limbo while they go through the possibilities.

Recalling facts has very limited potential for academic success. Teach them to think, then watch them grow exponentially.

Yes, this. It's when the aim is to show look how awesome me/my child is. Maybe the manner you do it in is a little this way if people are laughing?

I think the fact that you offered to buy her a chess set at the age of 4 says it all!!
cue: “ oh my daughter knows how to play chess!!”

What's wrong with that though? My son could play chess at 4. He's now 11 and really into it.

So what?

Nothing at all wrong with it. My Grandad taught me at 4 and thinking of it brings back lovely memories of time spent together. Based on some people on here though it would have been better for the self esteem of other adults if he’d plugged me into something, in case good parenting/grand parenting exposed their insecurities and lack of knowledge.