To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I haven’t got any advice really, OP, but didn’t want to read and run without wishing you all the very best with your health 💐

YANBU

You might be a little tetchy at the moment, because you're feeling absolutely rotten which is extremely understandable.

Men who havnt had to get used to "mind reading" (I. E, being pro-active, keeping someone else's situation in mind, intuition, prioritising others needs) don't know how to do it - many women have gotten to grips with it, kind of a necessity when looking at a family and kids, but maybe your husband simply doesn't know how to do it.

Did you tell him you thought you needed an ambulance, for example? He may have thought what you were dealing with was unfortunately normal for the situation, and didn't realise you were scared in particular.

What upset you about the quiche? The fact you didn't get lamb, or that it wasn't freshly cooked? Maybe he thought you were too unwell for lamb, maybe he didn't realise the importance of freshly cooked quiche (I know I wouldn't).

Maybe he didn't realise the sachet had bacteria / you're not supposed to have it?

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I'll happily jump on him for being a swine if his actions really are a lack of care... But he may just be slightly incompetent, if he's never had to provide care for someone else before? Which is terrible, but not strictly a lack of care for you... And may be fixed with a conversation about how he has to be pro-active in being mindful to your needs, because you're in no state to be writing lists for him at the moment. He needs to step up.

To be fair, I would have no idea a chemo patient couldn't have live bacteria or reheated quiche. The clipboard and temperature sounds like he was trying to get information in case you needed to be admitted - but I wasn't there.

Could you be enraged at your terrible diagnosis and what you are going through and hitting out at the person closest to you? It is tough being a carer, don't use him as a punchbag for your understandable unhappiness.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope you can talk it through with your husband to find a place of love and support.

Sorry OP it sounds tough.
My dad is currently undergoing chemo and he says one of the side effects is that come late afternoon he is pretty grumpy. Whilst I am not condoning your DH if he is truly being insensitive and uncaring as you haven’t told us much about how he has behaved over the past 50 years. It may be worth considering that you are not in the best place mentally and emotionally. It can be very difficult to transition from being cared for to being the carer and your husband may be a bit out of sorts. Cancer is tough on everyone. Take care xxx

To add to a previous posters comments about being a punching bag. My DHs brother has cancer as well and he doesn’t haven’t any family other than my husband to care for him through some pretty shitty life choices. Cancer is tough on everyone and I’m sorry OP.

You need to be a gentler towards him. It’s awful what you’re going through but it sounds like he’s trying hard and probably dealing with some quite strong emotions of his own. Is he doing those things deliberately to annoy you? Hopefully not. In which case, he’s just being a bit thoughtless and forgetful. Can you write it down for him what you can and can’t have?

I’m in total disagreement with pp’s. He sounds like a contemptible arse.
Do you have any money you can throw at this? Part-time housekeeper, meals being delivered, carer in a couple of times a day? He doesn’t want to care for you, so you’re going to have to find care elsewhere and then bin the husband when you’re better.
I hope all goes well with your treatment.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I do agree with pp though - it may be that he just doesn’t know specifics about things like the live bacteria. And although you were obviously feeling wretched, were your symptoms within ‘normal range’ for someone undergoing chemo? If so, he perhaps thought monitoring things was the right thing to do.

of course if he’s being unsupportive then you’ve every right to feel angry with him but it does sound like much of this may be due to you having to process this frightening diagnosis and maybe some residual feelings of resentment that you did all the cooking when you were both working full time (which I personally think is wrong but did you ever raise this at the time?)

explain to your dh all the dos and don’ts specific to your needs. And don’t blame him for getting a decent night sleep. Of course it feels horrid when you aren’t, but him feeling rubbish too isn’t going to make you feel any better.

wishing you the best for your treatment

Agree with the pp re how your current health and all the stress that must bring.
The dioralyte sachets I believe don't contain any actual blackcurrant, they're flavour not flavour?
Also re the lamb, what size of a cut was it? A full rack hed kept to himself or had he just bought a small cutlet.
If you really think he's vindictively made himself a nice meal to your exclusion, that's a whole other story.
Do you think you needed an ambulance? Why didn't you call one?

Has he had it explained to him that all food for chemo patients must be freshly cooked or opened? Does he understand that chemo has wiped out your immune system so cleanliness and avoidance of as many bacteria as possible are essential? Is he just a bit dim?

I think he's getting to grips with everything you've been doing for years, and has no idea how much prempting and information gathering you've done.

In his defense I wouldn't have know about the live bacteria in a rehydration sachet, or that you couldn't eat reheated quiche.

I didn't know those things but if I was taking care of my husband when he was having chemotherapy then I absolutely would know them because I'd want to make sure I looked after him properly

I’m sorry @4seasons

Your DH sounds like a right arse…giving you blackcurrant when your allergic would have royally pissed me off! But that’s probably the least of the worries in what you have written…

My DH had cancer and had chemo and yes I was his ‘punching bag’ it was rough for him and me, his side effects were horrific and I remember just crying watching him be so poorly…but I took an interest and learnt about what he could/couldn’t have, what he should and shouldn’t have for food etc no re heated, fresh foods, sounds like your DH hasn’t even thought about it.

I’m more in this camp. I think he sounds like someone who is doing his best, but who is fundamentally deeply selfish, and whose best isn’t that good.

I do think throwing money at a housekeeper would be very sensible. A housekeeper may also be able to educate him on what he should be doing.

What is he like generally with stepping up/being proactive?
Have you talked about your diagnosis with him, or is he just in a blind panic.

On the call an ambulance I actually think it can be very difficult for people to know when to call an ambulance, especially if when growing up it was reserved for heart attacks and sticking out bones (and even then you don’t want to be over dramatic!)

I'm so sorry you are going through something so horrific.

Yes I think he's not doing much of a job. He clearly didn't think it would require much effort.

I hope you can have a conversation with him. Ask him to research more and that you're not feeling cared for.

This is very damaging advice. If the OP ends up on her deathbed alone, I assume you, Tutorpuzzle, will be there caring for her and holding her hand?

Of course, this is NOT to say to cling on to simply anyone just because you are ill. But cancer can be really rough on everyone and everything, including relationships.

The pain & the illness can make patients very irritable. I have been in the role of a bumbling carer for a demanding, grumpy patient as well. We are all learning.

It's probably true that the DH has been comparatively less proactive in the house like most older men. Sad truth of the era. But I also think the uncommunicated expectations are a lot here. It was smart of him to track temperatures and times for if the situation escalated IMO. I'm of course not an expert in your situation, but in his position I'm not sure I would call the hospital just yet – if diarrhoea is part of your treatment side effects or illness, why rush you into hospital which is not too safe for a chemo patient?

As for the perceived look of irritation, you say he jumped up - not trying to airily handwave your thoughts away but if he did jump up, he must still have been keen to help you.

For the other things, those were terrible on his part. He definitely needs to research more. But you only mention 2 out of probably 10 or 100 things he does for you in a day. When being a carer I also found all the things I did wrong were nitpicked on and the million things a day I did right were taken for granted.

Sounds like he’s being an arse and would def upset me. Has he always been like this?

My dad is like this with my mum- it doesn’t seem to be ever on purpose but the lack of empathy and thought about someone else’s needs is astounding- I’m not sure if it’s always been there and we just didn’t see it so much due to circumstances or just become more noticeable as set in his ways in years following retirement. They say worst qualities like narcism get exagerated as you age… My dad would def be the one with a clipboard monitoring temps, then go make a nice chart and congratulate himself on how useful he is rather than actually be of any real help!!

although maybe in this situation he really doesn’t know how to look after someone properly if you have always been the strong one as suggested above?? Maybe he is struggling to see you so ill so not engaging properly and reverting to a safe distance? Or maybe he’s just an arse.

when you feel up to it can you talk to him about it or write him a letter outlining at the moment you need a bit more TLC and why these things would put you at risk- as PP says there could be a factor in him not realising fully the implications of reheating food etc (no excuse for not knowing about your blackberry allergy though!). Would he take it as an attack if he does think he’s trying?? I worry for you that resentment will build unless you catch it now and now is the time for him to step up so you can let down your guard and get through this.

in the meantime do you have any other friends or family who you would feel safe opening up to, or a someone from a cancer group/nurse - sometimes getting these things off your chest in real life can ease some of the frustration. And sometimes you just need a big hug.

sending you lots of love and so sorry you are going through this.

I think a lot of my internal anger is coming from fear and feeling so ill.
He’s been a good bloke over the years .. a damn sight better than some of my friends partners. To be fair though I helped knock him into shape !!
All this chemo business is new to us both . It’s scary … but I suppose I expected him to be more on top of things as the one who wasn’t ill and going through all this rubbish.
I’ve been very mindful of the fact that he is worrying and probably feels useless. I’ve insisted that he goes for his daily walk / coffee and gets out of the house a couple of times a day for his mental/ physical health. But I still feel like the carer not the cared for.
He proudly put a beef stew in the slow cooker yesterday . I was resting upstairs and could tell from the smell that it was overcooking and drying up . I had to point this out even though he was in the same room as the cooker , feet up engrossed in his book !! What was so difficult about keeping an eye on it ? It’s definitely because there are things that he’s just left to me. As I suppose there are things I’ve just left to him !
As for telling him about an ambulance. When he was taken ill a few years ago I just called one !! Why do I need to tell him what to do ??
I know when he finally wakes after 8 hours sleep he will bring me a cuppa but there will be nothing pro active about the rest of proceedings . That will be down to me however sick I feel.
I am already resenting the fact that this weekend there is a rugby match he will want to go to and I am thinking about how to facilitate this so I’m ok on my own. Did this a few weeks ago when I was feeling better than now. Years ago when the tables were turned he was horrified that I would even think of leaving him at home !! And that was just a broken leg !!
I’m a mixture of feelings at the moment. Won’t be all his fault. I need a bloody good cry and a doctor to make me better.

I can imagine my dad faffing about with a clipboard if my mum was as poorly as you (I hope you start to feel a bit better soon). My mum has always told my dad what to do, generally he does what she says and everything putters along nicely. Is your husband scared do you think? I think he sounds incompetent and unnerved rather than malicious. But he needs to step up and get with the programme. I would give him another chance but ultimately you may have to recognise he's useless in this situation and if you can afford it get some paid help.

It’s not advice, @navelgazing , it’s an infuriated opinion.
The op is having treatment for advanced ovarian cancer and yet most of the posters are more concerned with the feelings of the person to whom she has been married for fifty years. The op needs help now.
If he can’t step up immediately, then what is the point of him?
(Speaking as someone who has cared long term for members of my family with cancer and dementia.)

It sounds like he's doing his best and you're taking everything out on him to be honest....so what if he was eating dinner with wine? Surely he's entitled to eat and have a glass of wine....Perhaps he looked irritated because it was the first time he'd sat down to eat something proper and you turned up looking disgruntled.
How was he supposed to know you can't have live bacteria? You need to tell him things not expect him to automatically know!
I'm sorry you're unwell OP and I really hope you reach the road to recovery soon, just remember your husband is only human too and also needs food and rest, you can't pour from an empty cup! 💐

Again, I can only imagine that you are in your 70s if you’ve been married for 50 years. My 70 year old dad would be a complete bumbling fool trying to all of a sudden be the nurturer in my parents marriage should something happen to my mum. It wouldn’t be out of anything other than inexperience and not for lack of caring or love. Sometimes people genuinely don’t know what to do or how to behave in situations because they’ve never had to be that way. Be gentle with each other.

Where are your children in all this OP?

Re the rugby, tell him. "I'd really appreciate it if you didn't go this week, I'm not feeling well enough to be left alone". Judge him on his response, not resent him for you facilitating him going.

The slow cooker is odd I've never known anything dry out, did he follow a recipe?

You need to tell him what to do because he isn't a mind reader.

Just a small tangential point... I still don't really understand the hospital thing. When he was ill a few years ago, he wasn't on chemo surely. Afaik it's not advisable for chemo patients to go to hospital too much of avoidable, because of risk of exposure to everything floating around in the hospital with a weakened immune system. Studies have shown unnecessary admissions can be quite dangerous. That's what I was told anyway and that would have been my line of thought in this situation.