To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I’m really sorry OP. There are basic food rules for chemo patients that are not hard to understand and you usually get clear flyers to explain (aimed at the lowest possible functional reading age). So ignore all the posters who said they had no idea - if your spouse is on chemo you WILL have an idea.

I’ve already realised that if/when I get very ill I will be relying on friends/other family or a paid nurse to help me as my DH would do all the things you describe and more. YANBU but you do need to articulate what the problems are step by step. If he’s anything like my husband it’s not on purpose, it’s just not how he’s wired. And also anxious about doing the wrong thing, and focusing on the wrong problems.

My mother has the same kind of stoma as OP for the same reason. Believe me when I say sometimes you really do need a fucking ambulance.

I'm puzzled over the drama over reheating food, it's absolutely fine for people having chemo to eat reheated food. Same with probiotics and live bacteria - some consultants actually recommend it because your gut is being annihilated by the chemo. Sure, you have to be a bit more careful but that's the same for anyone with a weakened immune system.

OP, your DH is also dealing with cancer. Granted, not in the same way or the same level but his life is also going through a lot of change.

If husband can't cope, he needs to drop the fragile ego and ask for help.

My mum died of cancer 5 years ago. She and my dad had been married 55 years. My mum had always done all the "caring", all the domestic stuff, everything.
As soon as she became ill, my 75 year old dad took over all of that. He found out what she needed, what she could and couldn't have, sorted all her meds, helped her eat, wash, dress. When she stopped being able to get up the stairs for bed, he started sleeping on the recliner in the living room so he could be there if she needed help to turn over or go to the loo during the night. He looked after her radiation burns, held her teacup, washed her hair, wiped her bum, everything. He stopped going out unless he was forced to and one of us could go and sit with her.
That's what a partner does. My dad didn't know what she needed when she became ill and started treatment but he bloody well found out quick smart.

YANBU although I think he is trying but not doing too well.

I understand your frustration. I think alot of women/mom's are always the ones keeping things going and thinking of others and what they need. But when we need help/consideration/care, we don't get it. It's that feeling that we can never drop the ball because no one else will pick it up. You're not wrong to be annoyed that he can't do for you what you would do for him. And the fact he's probably getting praise from others for doing the bare minimum (if that), when women who go above and beyond don't get any acknowledgement. I feel your annoyance.

I do notice that the topic of food looms large, Babies, breast feeding. Old people in care homes. Relatives insisiting they " eat something"
This situation too.

Cut it out for a few weeks. Get a Waitrose delivery. Just Cook as previously suggested.

Of course, none of this is about stew is it?

I'm sorry for what you are going through cancer is an awful scary world and chemo is horrendous. Honestly it sounds like you are scared and lashing out - my parent had a recurring cancer and went through 4 blocks of chemo treatment I googled lots but I didn't know about any of the things you mentioned eg eggs, live bacteria, not reheating food.

Gently it sounds like he can't do right for doing wrong. If you have run the household and him for 50 odd years he's not magically going to be doing everything to your standards in a few weeks. Only you know how you are feeling I couldn't tell a partner what appointments to cancel/attend and when to go to hospital. I hope your treatment goes well

Your comment is both foolish AND thoughtless. Don’t be a tool.

My heart breaks for you OP. You have put 50 years of care and thinking things through for DH and your loved ones, and this is what you get when you need that care. Your frustration and disappointment comes over in spades, and rightly so. Have that cry - you need it and deserve it. You also deserve proper care.

I wish I had advice, my only thoughts being (1) read him the riot act and tell him to step up properly. He needs to be knowledgeable about your condition and treatment, and think about what's needed and what to avoid. Giving you something you are allergic to, or eggs when you shouldn't have them, for example, is just not good enough. He is either lazy or so much in denial about your illness that he is minimising the importance of everything.
(2) As you need proper care right now, could you consider getting a nurse to come to the house, to look after you, and importantly tell him what you need and what not to do. It seems he has no instructions in being a caring human being over the years, so this could be important. But he would need to see it as him learning, not just sit back and let the nurse do what he is not.
Sending you my heartfelt loving thoughts - get better, and stay on here to update and if you want to vent.

Maybe a little insensitive but I do think people take their carers for granted.

My partner died so if I have to tackle any major illnesses, it will be alone.

I've already dealt with a few minor things (ulcerative colitis flareups, flu, norovirus, toothache) and I would have loved someone to even bring me a glass of water, less alone food.

My mother in law's husband has also died and she is coping with advanced COPD alone.

I think people need to appreciate what they have a little more. Just having another human in the house is a dream to some people dealing with everything alone.

I’ve just google d chemo and live bacteria :
if he even noticed this on the packet and googled it this would have reassured him
( and hopefully you too)

chemo patients can have live bacteria in their bodies, including probiotics. However, during chemotherapy, the immune system is weakened, increasing the risk of infections. Therefore, while probiotics are generally safe, they need to be used with caution and after discussing with a doctor or nurse.

@4seasons

Your feelings are perfectly normal

Could it help, if you have the resources, to employ a specialist carer

I wish you all the very best and a positive outcome on your difficult journey.🌻

eta; changed specialist link

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

I'd give up on him cooking for you and ask him to buy some top quality ready meals that you fancy if that's going to help.

He's also probably shit-scared of what's happening and his time to himself eating his lamb isn't great but maybe it's his way of having some normality.

If you have the energy can you tell him exactly how you feel?

I'm on the other side of this. My DH has stage 4 cancer and has been on treatment for years. It's hard being the carer. But I think yours should step up and not go to rugby.

You need some TLC.

Having been an informal carer myself at times (including for someone with cancer) I'm aware that it's not easy. Yes, I've seen fecal incontinece with chemotherapy - even gone out to buy a new carpet shampoo machine to put things right too! I've also seen advice vary concerning the advisability of probiotics. Reheated food - well, if it's been sitting around overnight at room temperature it's probably not advisable, but if it's only just gone cold it's unlikely to be too bad. I've been sitting having a bite to eat myself when the person I'm looking after starts moving around so I might look surprised and then jump up to offer them something. So, if it were me, guity as charged!

I'm not making excuses for substandard care, of course, but it's hard to do the right thing all the time. There's a fine line to be trodden between over-babying someone and presuming too much independence. To take a trivial example, if something falls on the floor, do I rush to pick it up, or do I let the person I'm caring for at least try, because mastering that action is an important part of independent living and rehabilitation?

When I was looking after my mother towards the end of her life, at one point a number of people were telling me to put her bed downstairs. She wanted to go to bed upstairs. So I let her try to climb the stairs a few times so she could come to her own conclusion about it being too difficult. Once she'd done so, we put the bed downstairs with considerably less conflict than if I'd initiated it myself.

I'm just bringing all that up to say that caring life is full of dilemmas. The feminine intuition celebrated earlier in this thread has frequently escaped me and I find that it's easy to make assumotions which turn out not to be true!

Go away.

@pimplebum

that is fucking harsh!

Personally I think my DH would be like this too - a lot of men , ( not all I know) especially older men have had very strong women doing an awful lot of heavy lifting when it comes to family health and domesticity and can be very thoughtless when the shit hits the fan. I think you kind of have to spell it out as instructions- can’t have this, don’t do that etc . I don’t think he’s being callous, just unused to stepping up care wise.

im so sorry to read you are going through this OP , I know myself my levels of tolerance would probably be through the floor.

Just googled this hope it reassures you

“Yes, chemotherapy patients can reheat food, but with specific guidelines to ensure food safety. It's crucial to cool leftovers quickly, store them properly, and ensure they are heated thoroughly until piping hot before eating. Reheating food only once is recommended, and cooked rice should generally be avoided being reheated.”

Ffs. The man is an adult and is just as responsible for being a considerate and caring human being as his DW. The way people make excuses for men is unbelievable. HE should be gentle with her and her feelings.

God love you OP, but he sounds like an awful selfish arse.
Can you reach out to friends and your children for some care?
The blackcurrant business is appalling.
He sounds extremely thoughtless.
Like so many men.

Several women I know found the Covid care experience they received from their husbands to be a real eye opener, and returned the favour verbatim to a shocked response.

It has been a massive turning point in their long marriages.
Things two years later are very different after many years of putting themselves out, they have devoted themselves to their friends who turned out to be far more caring.
Lesson learned.

@pimplebum what an unkind thing to say, The poor OP is very very unwell.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this. And him. He is probably doing his best but it’s a good job you have been around all these years to pick up his slack!!

I hope he redeems himself today.

Just let every thing go, he is never ever going to be up to your standard of care, but you are kind of stuck with him right now so if you can in any way laugh at it today, that’s all you can do really.

I hope you are ok x x

i am being blunt as a kindness like a best friend would say to someone they care about - honest opinion if I said it in person you it would be delivered kindly

she is being extremely hard on him
ive googled live bacteria and reheating food - both fine
clipboard with temperature also sensible

totally get op feeling retched and lashing out
my opinion is she’s being unfair