To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I am really sorry for what you are going through. My parents were in this situation a few years ago (mum diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer, surgery, chemo etc). Dad similar to your husband in cooking skills - they relied on Cook ready made meals - maybe that could be an option for you both?

I’ve had chemo and I didn’t know about this (or the freshly cooked food).

What has he been like the previous fifty years?

I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis and wish you all the best, it’s tough. I remember raging at my then bf for going to the pub with some friends of ours when I felt he should have wanted to be with me, not out having a laugh. I do look back and wonder if I was being unreasonable, I still don’t really know.

I think it’s probably the frustration of realising that after decades of putting others first, of considering everybody’s needs - they haven’t been trained. And when you need it - they haven’t really got a clue. That when you’re holding everything together, you’re doing far more than running a hoover around or making dinner. For this reason I make my boys do as much as I can get away with.

I imagine he probably thought you wouldn’t be able to eat lamb if you had an upset stomach and quiche is very gentle. But I didn’t know about the reheating thing. Honestly that was just bloody careless and selfish, he should have known.

Do you have some kind of “Adult Services”? He’s neglecting you. You are not managing and he is not remotely plugged into your caring needs. Call the hospital and ask to speak to a social worker

You need to focus on yourself and leave him to do what he’s doing. He doesn’t have to do everything exactly like you, if he wants to write all the timings down for dinner this fine. It doesn’t materially change anything for you.
Not sure I would have rung an ambulance for someone with diarrhoea chemo or not so I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for that. If you need that action you need to speak up.

And as far as him eating with a glass of wine because you’re upstairs ill? What do you want exactly? For him not to eat when you’re sick? For him to leave everything else and lie at the foot of your bed?

It’s completely understandable that you’re tired and feeling shit and in a bad mood but in this case I feel like you’re taking it out on your DH rather than having any justifiable grievances.
My MIL recently had a very intense battle with cancer and the whole thing was just as shit and traumatic for FIL.

I think this is unfortunately the end result of a marriage where the woman takes the lead, and the husband isn’t a proactive partner. That’s the way a lot of relationships go OP, so I’m not slamming you for that. What you’re going through sounds utterly brutal, but you’re essentially asking a child to manage a home at this point. He probably feels proud of himself for managing the small amount of cooking he’s doing (eye roll inserted here).

I agree that unfortunately it might be prudent to throw some money at this, for your comfort mostly.

One of the reasons I left my ex (the reasons were myriad, he was not a good person) was that I had flu and he left me in the house with our toddler, after telling me he was going to the pub, because “there’s no point in my being stuck in with you when you’re ill”. I got my ducks in a row and left him a year after.

Wishing you all the very best, OP. I hope it starts to go gentler for you.

I read the OP and the first few responses and I have another view. I believe people can and should educate them on caring responsibilities and inform themselves of the illness and how to care. Ask the doctor and I am sure they send you home with material from hospital visits and use the internet - it’s all there!

This is the beginning so make him read it now if he hasn’t taken on doing that himself.

Seek help from other women as well as your DH.
Can you ask your children to step up and learn about your care needs? One of my kids came to the pre op and made a list of all the things I couldn't remember.
She shopped for all possible medication and sick bags to combat every disaster after chemo. She took my temperature three times per day to see if I needed to go to emergency etc.

Your husband needs someone to remind him and keep him on track and it should not be you.
Be proactive in writing down food requirements and when you would like cups of tea etc.

You DH is also coping with your illness, treatment and managing new skills. His best won't be able to read your mind.
Ask him to inquire more, to ask more and to lavish TLC.
Make contact with local support group so you can talk to others feeling similar to you...or claim more alone time - I preferred that.

This.
So many people rushing to the defence of an another feckless, selfish man.

no, he might not know how to do everything but he should be being proactive and finding out!!

Cancer is an inconvenience to him. He’s going to be shit all the way through this OP and you have every right to be raging.

best wishes with your treatment.

Old dogs can learn new tricks.

he needs to step up.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
It sounds like he's probably trying his best but it's a fairly poor best.
Screw the rugby. Make it clear you need him. He'll cope with missing one match.

I am pretty caring and like to make sure people are comfortable but I’m not sure I’d have thought at times to jump into action for the things you’ve highlighted OP. I think maybe this is due to your situation and being a bit angry at the world right now?

Exactly this.

Women care: men don't.

I had ovarian cancer, hysterectomy, chemo & rad therapy, My DH who had never had to cook in his life, cooked all my meals and sat down and sorted my multitude of tables, when I had to take them if i had to take them with food after food etc. he just did it , my sisters had offered to cook meals etc, but he just got on with it. Ok as pp mentioned he's not a mind reader, now tell him what you need and expect him to do. hope you feel well soon, xx

Your anger at your diagnosis and fear about the future is understandable but as others had said do stop taking it out of your dh.

Why would he call an ambulance surely you have community nurses or a gp to contact first.

I don't think a bit of dried up stew is a big issue. He is trying, not like he's giving you takeaways every day.

As you've said he's been a good man over the years so focus on that.

Good luck with the future .

All the vibes, @4seasons - so sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you feel a bit better soon.

"He proudly put a beef stew in the slow cooker yesterday..."

I think you should award yourself a gold medal for this though! I'm still working on building OH confidence up to make a basic pasta sauce.

@andthat I absolutely agree. I guess it’s about having that conversation, though that just involves more emotional labour from OP.

I'll defend him on the wanting a meal and drink, however he should have checked you had everything first.
My DP has a stoma after bowel cancer, he was discharged February and it was hard going for both of us. I was doing the bed changes and full care. I was that run down I got conjunctivitis, UTI, cold sores. This was on the back of being at the hospital, nearly lising him (while he's blussfully on morphine). However part of the stress was the research and the adjustment. My first supermarket shops took hours, reading packets etc. We've taken a temporary break among all this (I was still supplying food and changing the bed etc). Unless you are living it, you probably wouldn't understand the stress. We have to share a bed, so both if us are up every two ish hours. I've had three children as a LP, worked in care and cared for relatives, but I'm feeling my age (near 60) and it's bloody tough.
Good communication, both talking about how you are feeling and fears. Talk about your struggles.
Him to get on all the FB pages and know when you need medical care. Make full use of your stoma support and Macmillian (we were bloody lucky with ours).
He needs a break when possible, so appreciate him wanting to eat/have a glass of red. I eat mushrooms out of his sight.
We now joke that covering me with his shit isn't an act of love etc you will get there. But posters will want you to LTB, somewhere in the middle is more realistic.

How is he supposed to know? Do some fucking research to try and help keep his partner of decades alive and well?

Jesus wept, the low standards we expect women to accept.

Gently op, you’re BOTH going through hell and your husband is probably doing his best. I had chemo years ago and never knew you’re not supposed to reheat quiche… chemo hit me very hard and I was totally knackered, I had zero patience. And my husband did his best to do everything, but he was scared to hell of losing his wife so between him having to learn how to do things I normally did and his emotions (which he tried to hide from me) obviously things didn’t always happen smoothly. Food was overcooked, undercooked etc, he got other stuff than I had asked for, some things were forgotten, skipped …. But it was NEVER done intentionally and I think you need to remember your husband is probably not intentionally doing these things that annoy you. He is doing his best and if you think he needs to do something differently you have to tell him what you want him to do. Eg why didn’t you just say “jack can you call an ambulance”?

You've spent 50 years looking after him and taking the lead on, if not all of, the domestic responsibility and he isn't able to adjust to the change. He has had a life time of putting himself first with you facilitating it. To expect a turn around now is unrealistic. This isn't an excuse for him, it's simply pragmatism. As I doubt you're considering LTB, I think you're going to have to find a way to lower your expectations because the stress and rage isn't good for you. I'd try sitting him down for a tough talk, with clear requests as to what you need him to do.

Really? She has cancer and has to be kind to HIM? OP must be at least my age 66 so unless husband has some sort of dementia he should be taking better care of her.
Anyone having chemo is given very detailed guidance on avoiding infection. There is no excuse for him not knowing.
LTB

@Gloriia people with stomas go down hill very fast. You have a point of contact via the stoma service and Macmillian, but they generally tell you to go to A&E. As well as the BC, Stoma there's the complications from the surgery. It isn't key hole and doesn't heal as well as usual because of the stoma. A patient gets to know their output and if it is too much you can go into a coma because of dehydration. You don't have enough bowel and a colon for drinking water to make it better. Which is why the rehydration drinks are needed. If it is a blockage (no output ) then sepsis and other complications can quickly come on.

Not a single word on how utterly pathetic it is that female children and desperately ill women have to sit down full grown men to explain chemo care in toddler terms, or take over the job entirely?

You have a bloody good whinge, you deserve it!

I am sorry, I am sure you have looked after everyone else and now you need a bit back. He can step up and think a bit harder!