To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope you feel better soon. Chemo destroys the cancer but don’t let it destroy your marriage too. I had leukaemia and my husband had no idea on hygiene etc either. Almost showed offence at being asked to wash hands etc. they simply don’t know how to cope. Even now he’s always burning stuff and letting it dry out etc, I’m back to full health but it’s so infuriating! Just tell yourself he’s doing his best, write a list of what you can’t have etc. they get so used to being looked after it’s a shock when they have to do it themselves! He’s your everything, don’t let this affect your many years together x

Sometimes in life people have got to step up.
He knew about the eggs and blackcurrants, but isn’t taking it seriously. It’s a poor show of incompetence. He’s quite capable of making a lamb roast and pouring himself a glass of wine!

OP I can offer you solidarity but coming from the carer's perspective. What no one tells you about cancer is how much it puts a strain on your relationship, my household feels like a pressure cooker at the moment. That being said, it does sound like he needs to be more proactive and attentive, and it sounds like he is not used to taking on this kind of responsibility so I think your frustrations are valid.

I had no idea of these rules around bacteria. When my friend had the bag she went to pieces trying to cope, phoned me in hysterics once. Unfortunately I'm across the ocean. The only person who could handle her was her daughter, not her husband.

Your husband is tired, scared. It's hard on both of you.

Some men are bleeding useless because they rely on their wife for everything and instead of thinking, "Ok my turn to look after her as she has done for me all these years" He is thinking "Er...what?" I don't know what would happen if he did not have a wife and had to look after a son or daughter with cancer. I would imagine that 'job' would go to his mother, cos wimmin's work innit? However, to be kind I would imagine it is also a frightening time for him and he is overwhelmed. Can you put a notice on the fridge about what you can and cannot eat? What meds you can take etc. But don't beat yourself up about it. This is a lot to contend with!

I'm furious that so many are desperate to absolve this man.

It's not that men don't know how to care for others - it's that they choose not to learn how, and our patriarchal culture encourages them in that.

It's bullshit.

His wife is very, very ill and he's doing the extreme equivalent of that thing that men do when out with their wives and kids - walking ahead, inside his own head and conscious only of his own thoughts/needs/desires, thinking he's a jolly good chap for giving up his Sunday MAMIL ride. Meanwhile the wife is fully 'on', thinking about whether it's time to get out the snacks she's thought ahead and packed while making sure the two- and four-year olds have fun with dandelions without getting run over by a car.

I would write out the list of what you can and can't eat and stick it up on the kitchen wall.

I would also call an ambulance myself because I can answer the questions correctly.

This.

I would have no idea about the hydration sachets (which, to be fair, you asked him to buy). Why did the meal irritate you so much? Could you have eaten that/drank wine in your current condition or would it have made you feel ill?

I think he’s trying but just doesn’t know how to cope over 50 years of you doing everything.

Wishing you all the best.

If my spouse was as ill as the OP then for absolute sure I would be researching everything possible that I could do to make his life easier, including what can and cannot be eaten. @4seasons I hope you have a better day today. All the best to you for your recovery to full health.

Has the Hospital given you an alert card - an Acute card with a number on? If so, call them. Any side effects you are unsure about just call - they won't mind. Horrendous diarrhoea is definitely a reason to get in touch as it may be colitis and they will advise you.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

This.

All the posts about “Ooh, OP, you do sound tetchy!” and “He’s doing his best, gold medal because he’s managed to burn food in a slow cooker, because at least he tried!” and “Why don’t you do it yourself or talk him through it or write it down?”

Absolutely desperately pathetic.

You need him to step up and take care of you.
He’s just not capable. He’s probably been spoilt all his life and isn’t used to thinking about anyone but himself. Is now too old and selfish to be caring and thoughtful.

So there are two things here:

1. The practical:
   Outsource it. Organise yourself a home help. A nice lady cleaner who can come a couple of times a week to clean, change beds and towels and iron. You can just keep turning washing over and the rest will be done by her.
   As concerns food. This is a time to make it dead easy. Get a supermarket delivery twice a week when the cleaner is here and she can put it all away for you. Basic, regular, easy options for healthy breakfasts, lunches and snacks. For dinner get posh ready meals with fresh green veg. ‘Cook’ or M&S or Tesco Finest or whatever. Get it all delivered.
   As concerns running errands, ask your cleaner to pick things up on the way to you. Or ask your friends. If your husband feels embarrassed and humiliated that you are asking a girlfriend to pick you up something from the chemist while he sits, reading his paper, useless, then fine. This is a necessary consequence of him being a rubbish and incompetent carer. Your practical needs come first right now and he’s not capable of meeting them.

2. the emotional.
   You poor thing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As if the health challenges aren’t hard enough you’ve got no support from him. You’ve looked after him for decades and now you need him to look after you he’s as much use as a chocolate teapot.
   If it’s any consolation, you are not alone with this. My husband would be exactly the same which is why, when I had a planned/ elective operation a couple of years ago I didn’t factor him in for any help whatsoever. Some women may read this and throw up their hands in horror - ‘LTB!’ - but if you’re going to stay married for decades you need to accept each other’s limitations and work around them.

Sending you love and wish you an excellent recovery x

It all sounds horribly ungrateful

No it doesn't.

Sending you every good wish for your chemo @4seasons . You are going through ALOT at the moment.

I can't speak from experience, but a good friend recently did this grim battle. She and her husband had been happily married for 35 years and two months into chemo she wanted to batter him. She decided to take on a cleaner (they had never had one) because his efforts were so dreadful that it was making her seethe with rage. She knew he would never be able to do it to her liking, so she thought fuck it and for the 12 months she had chemo and then recovered, she had a cleaner.

She also sat him down and very clearly articulated what were going to be the deal breakers for her during the treatment. She also rallied other family members and close friends to cover some of the stuff he was really shit at too (eg meal cooking a few times a week and doing toiletry shopping). She said that being honest about his limitations was the best thing she did because it stopped her from having unrealistic expectations that he would be able to do for her what she could have done for him if the tables were turned.

Men are pretty hopeless when it comes to stuff like this though and when push comes to shove, very few of them can come up to the mark in way OP is expecting.

I've had to take care of DHs health needs for years or he would be dead. He's a dialysis patient but he just doesn't see what needs doing and I can see why men's life expectancy on dialysis is so low compared to women.

When I'm ill I have to give him very detailed instructions over the simplest things and it is tiresome as fuck but he's all I have so I have to manage.

I'm going into hospital and having surgery next month. I am told I will take 6 - 12 months to fully recover. It's going to be horrible but he is totally incapable of stepping up with stuff to do with health. Anything else, he is pretty damn good at.

I'm so sorry OP. Many women have no idea just how self absorbed their DH's are until they need them to take care of them for a change.

Most men are simple creatures who do need to be taken care of because of how we raise our boys. They simply cannot suddenly become carers. This isn't fair for you of course but it is the reality for many women.

This. You are definitely not being unreasonable for expecting very basic care from your DH while you're so ill. Why didn't he give you some roast dinner? I dispair of how low the bar is for men sometimes.

To everyone saying "maybe he didn't know": if your husband was having chemo I would put money on you knowing about live bacteria etc because you would have found out/asked questions/looked it up. Because your husband is having chemo and you want and need to look after him.

I find most men are very self centred who think of themselves and their needs first . Just my personal experience.

OP you speak for wives the whole world over!

On the whole men are selfish and uncaring. I don’t mean they don’t care (in their minds) just that it certainly doesn’t come naturally to them to be proactive and physically caring.

Probably because their Mum’s did everything when they were young and then we did it all when the kids came along.

I would tell your DH he needs to step up - at least ask him why he is offering you food you can’t have/things you are allergic to! I mean just why would he do that? Ask him and see how he answers.

Wishing you well OP and please vent away!

Men are pretty hopeless when it comes to stuff like this though

No. They choose to be. And women like this and the many others on this thread enable them.

This is a tough time for you OP. You have a vent here, but I'd do what you can to avoid conflict at home. You don't need that on top. You must both be scared. Yes he needs to step up and it's not fair that, yet again, you're the one doing all the thinking. But shifting 50 yrs of habits isn't going to happen overnight. If he's feeling scared himself, he also won't be taking information in easily. I don't think that means you just have to accept it though.

Can you ask him to read through all the written info the hospital has given you, again, as you are feeling too overwhelmed to remember and afraid of eating the wrong thing? Perhaps he writes a list of 'nos' for the kitchen wall?

Could you ask him to write a meal plan for the week and you check it? Perhaps suggest he thinks of simpler meals to avoid stress?

I would try not to say anything if you suspect a dinner is burning, or anything else not crucial is going wrong. It's infuriating, but that's how we all learned to keep an eye on things.

I'm sorry it must feel wearing at a time like this to still have to be the grown up and come up with solutions as if you are helping a teenager towards independence, but you kind of are, and hopefully he gets the hang of adulting soon. Can one of your adult DCs also have a word with him? I hope they're supporting you both.

I am sorry. You cannot see this objectively but I doubt very much your husband means you harm, he is probably doing his best and things will improve, honestly they will.

You didn't go to hospital and you are still at home which probably shows you didn't need an admission. Do you want to go back to hospital, would they do anything you cannot do for yourself? I doubt it.

You are in an awful state at the moment and have my sympathy but I don't understand why you don't have some hired help, you are surely entitled to it, at least for a while. That would take pressure off you and your husband.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I think he should be able to research this himself but I’d be telling him very clearly that you need freshly cooked food, nothing re+heated. Why did he not check to see if you wanted dinner? I don’t even have a pot noodle for lunch without asking my Dh if he wants anything.

It sounds like what you are going through is both physically and emotionally very challenging for both yourself and your husband (albeit in different ways). It comes across that you are used to taking care of others whereas this role has been reversed due to you being unwell. From experience, I know it isn't at all easy to accept this if you are used to doing everything yourself. It comes across that your husband is trying is best but isn't yet established in his 'new' role.

Patience and understanding are the key here. You both need time to adjust and supporting one another will hopefully help. Could you perhaps signpost him to some information or a support group to assist in him better understanding your needs? Just a few thoughts.