Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quietly hating my husband

286 replies

4seasons · 29/05/2025 06:23

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

OP posts:
Pluvia · 31/05/2025 16:45

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 31/05/2025 05:56

The problem was @Wimbledonmum1985 that the food -according to the OP - had already been reheated once, and then frozen for a second time. I think that unless we are very young adults most of us know that frozen food must not be frozen and reheated twice?

Show quote history

Could you cut and paste the part of the OP's post where she writes about the quiche being reheated from frozen a second time, please. I've looked but can't find it.

Pluvia · 31/05/2025 16:55

Lurkingandlearning · 29/05/2025 17:18

Perhaps I should have said, “No OP, you are not being unreasonable to be quietly hating your husband .” I just agreed with her but phrased it more bluntly. I think it is incredibly insensitive of you to report someone for hatefulness because they think her feelings are reasonable, feelings that have remained consistent throughout her posts. If by being in a dudgeon you meant she is angry, of course she is. If you used that word to be condescending and minimise her feelings then perhaps someone should report your post. I won’t because I want it to stay there for everyone to see how ridiculous it is.

Show quote history

Are you saying that you think your post in which you hoped her husband, in his late 70s and struggling with looking after someone with complex needs, would die choking on his dinner of leftover lamb (which she made clear she could have shared but didn't want) was perfectly reasonable?

gattocattivo · 31/05/2025 17:01

4seasons · 29/05/2025 15:44

Well a very nice oncologist rang this morning and we had a thorough chat about my symptoms etc. I am girding my loins ( literally ) for another bout this evening. So frustrating as I was starting to feel more human after awful bone pain and fatigue… hoping for a ride out or a stroll. Now I daren’t leave the house !!
I found a recipe online for an electrolyte solution that you can make yourself from everyday ingredients. So a jug of that is in the fridge.
He did 10 mins of performative hoovering this morning then basically disappeared downstairs to read the newspaper. Think he senses my annoyance. An hour ago I went downstairs to get something low fibre to eat … bread and jam anyone ?? I was told about his lunch .. nice ham , poached eggs , grilled tomatoes and he told me he’d got a chicken curry out of the freezer for his dinner !!! I could have cried from envy. On the upside he’d roasted and cooled a chicken breast for my snack later and said I could have some of his plain rice. So , he is starting to think isn’t he ?
Just on the subject of reheating food .. ok to take cooked quiche out of freezer and heat in the oven. But not safe to then reheat the quiche again later. Allows too much bacterial growth. He’s always been a person who’d eat out of date food ( a couple of days ) whilst I would throw it away. I’ve kept his tummy safe for years !! In fact , don’t ever remember him having diarrhoea .
I have calmed down a bit now … the advantage of Mumsnet advice …. but am still left slightly irritated and disappointed by him. The blackcurrant allergy in particular annoys me. He’s always first to tell people in restaurants about it. Maybe his stress level just messed with his mind . I know the feeling.
People asked our ages. We are mid to late 70s and until the cancer hit me were fit and active. Out for walks every day , cinema, theatre etc. We enjoyed regular weekends away and holidays in Scotland etc. No carers or support needed. Our children are late 40s / 50s , live in London and have full time jobs.
I’m hoping this will be a “ blip “
we can cope with and that the chemo will help me live longer . I really miss my old life . Lying in bed ruminating on DHs failings probably doesn’t do me any good.
God , I’d give anything for a plateful of chicken jalfrezi or even a big cream cake and a cuppa !! All forbidden at the moment.
I’m seeing my own oncologist next week and will certainly be talking through side effects and how I can be helped.
You certainly do see other aspects of people in this situation that you never really noticed before. Good and bad.

It’s in the middle of this long post. But was a big drip feed as wasn’t mentioned at first.
seems the OP did recognise that a lot of her feelings were about her illness which is entirely understandable; I’m sure anger and resentment are entirely normal when you’re dealt a body blow like a cancer diagnosis. Hopefully her dh will learn to be hands on now. Never a good idea for one partner to do all the cooking and household stuff for years: it can lead to the other becoming pretty helpless and dependent.

gattocattivo · 31/05/2025 17:02

That was in response to @Pluvia

DraigCymraeg · 31/05/2025 17:58

Where are your children in the midst of all this OP?

Growlling · 31/05/2025 18:03

I’ve had ovarian cancer and fully recovered. My DH was completely useless when I was ill. One day, when I had a moan at him his reply, in a very whiny voice was ‘I don’t like it when people are ill’. I literally wanted to kill him at that moment.

So I completely empathise with you @4seasons . Wishing you all the best, and sending love and strength.

Bluedenimdoglover · 31/05/2025 18:31

I'm sorry about your illness and chemo. I wish you all the best for a good recovery. I can understand his you feel frustrated and angry about how your husband is trying to deal with this. You've 50 years experience of cooking and caring for everyone in the family. He is clearly lacking in this department, which is understandable as you have done it all in the past. You have adult children, rope them in to help out. Pay for help around the house if necessary. Most importantly, sit your husband down and talk to him about what you need from him. I hope things go well.

DoggingDave · 31/05/2025 21:02

Think you're being a bit harsh op obviously you're going through a lot. But sounds like your partner is probably absolutely stressed out by the whole situation and struggling to function. He's probably trying his best but can't cope can you ask anyone else for help for you both.

Musclewoman · 31/05/2025 21:20

BonfireToffee · 29/05/2025 08:14

How is he supposed to know? Do some fucking research to try and help keep his partner of decades alive and well?

Jesus wept, the low standards we expect women to accept.

Show quote history

Don't swear at me you sad sad person....

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2025 21:46

kingprawnspaghetti · 29/05/2025 06:49

You need to be a gentler towards him. It’s awful what you’re going through but it sounds like he’s trying hard and probably dealing with some quite strong emotions of his own. Is he doing those things deliberately to annoy you? Hopefully not. In which case, he’s just being a bit thoughtless and forgetful. Can you write it down for him what you can and can’t have?

She has to be gentler to him?

I don't think that's the right way round

He's tucking into his dinner without a thought of what the OP needs to have

Arse

ThisGoldWriter · 01/06/2025 11:26

I'm massage therapist,in my work experience I saw and heard lots of stories..Once, I had a lady, very sick,I don't remember what she had,maybe something similar ...her husband took her for a very gentle massage because she could not walk ,she needed very much his help...when she was in the laid down position ,face down on the table for massage, her husband showed me very terrified how bad her body looked, so ugly in his eyes ,because when you are sick the body and the mimic of face shows this , you transform in a big suffering shape...unfortunately, the beauty is in the people's eye,the visual impact is most important thing...only the LOVE can see beyond all this...is not your fault, is not his fault, is just love which is missing...my advice, even if you look terrible ,and feel the same, rise your vibration, look into the mirror deep inside your eyes, there is your precious soul ,ask your soul for help...the soul can do miracles , just say , I need help,I need my help , I'm safe now and I'm ready for a new beginning ...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread