When I had chemo my (ex)husband cooked food that could have made me ill, as well. He’d been to appointments and listened to discussions, but still did his own sweet thing. If it didn’t matter to him, then he just didn’t bother, and for some irrational reason felt the food safety rules were just being wrapped up in cotton wool. What made matters worse was he was in the medical field so had a decent grasp on chemo and the immune system. He was a narcissistic abuser too though, so I couldn’t tell whether it was deliberate or ignorance. Regardless, it made me feel unsafe, inadequately cared for, and frightened at the idea of any deteriorate to the point I might need to fully rely on him.
I remember I once felt I needed to go to hospital because I couldn’t breathe. I had covid cough and a medical colleague of his had died recently from the same, so you’d have thought he would be even more hyper-vigilant. I remember he sat on the bed looking for ages, silently looking at me with a cold, hard stare, and I wondered if he actually wanted me dead. We had begun talking about separation a few months before, and it scared me he didn’t call an ambulance because it would be cheaper look better to be widowed rather than divorced, so he was debating whether to just let me go. Eventually he broke his silence by coldly suggesting I might grab the blue inhaler and spray 10-20 times to see if that helps. He then disappeared downstairs and left me to it. I was so frightened that I was too breathless to talk, and couldn’t talk on a 999 call if I needs to. I used the sprays and obviously lived to tell the tale, and in the morning when I asked why he had been like that, he said that the fact I’m still alive this morning proves he was right not to bother them.
From what you’ve written, your DH isn’t in the same category as my ex was, but when I read about your ambulance, I did wonder what stopped you calling for one? You didn’t say, but I wonder if it’s because you weren’t sure if it was necessary as well?By the same token, you asked for his advice over a decision you had to make and couldn’t decide, and he was non-committal, but I wonder whether he didn’t know what to do just like you , which is why you were asking his advice in the first place .
On the one hand, I wonder how much of the way you felt towards him is part of the grieving process and you are in the anger part. And on the other hand, I wondered how much he might be floundering more than normal because of his grieving process (denial). Cancer and chemotherapy understandably invoke a lot of fear and the loss of health is a grief process. There is an awful lot for you to get around with the colostomy bag too, and all in all, feeling weak and ill must just be awful. You deserve to be looked after as well, as if you were in hospital, but sometimes even with the best will in the world, people don’t deliver the same level of care that you would. And it can hurt and feel frustrating, and we can ask ourselves why on the Earth we are so capable of giving that to other people but they are so incapable of giving that to us? And all of it is so understandable and all part of the awful rough ride of what you’re going through, and I’m so sorry that you are going through it. I hope the side effects lessen and effective for you.