To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

OP, I understand completely why you’re feeling as you are at the moment, you’re going through a lot and it does seem as though your husband isn’t considering your needs, especially if you feel like you were always attuned to his, but not everybody thinks the same way.

What I will say though is I agree with pp, it sounds as if your emotions are heightened here and you’re expecting your DH to somehow mind read or know what you need or want instinctively when he is probably out of his depth and dealing with some horrible emotions himself. He’s only human - you didn’t realise your electrolyte drink contained live bacteria else you wouldn’t have asked him to get it, yet you expect him to automatically know what’s what? I get that he should have realised your blackcurrant allergy but we all make mistakes.

You say you’re ’quietly’ hating him, which suggests you aren’t communicating. You can’t really expect him always to know things without communicating what you need. Sometimes mistakes happen or people do things clumsily even if they are well intentioned.

Wishing you the very best recovery 🌺

Does she fuck as like need to be “gentler” with this selfish man baby.

You’re seriously suggesting it’s reasonable that a horribly ill woman be forced to baby-step her life partner through not being so shit that he puts her life at risk??

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m raging at him for you.

Its infuriating at the best of times when men don’t apply their skills, intellect and abilities to what they no doubt view as menial tasks that don’t require full attention (internalised misogyny as it’s always been viewed as women’s work).

But pragmatism needs to be front and centre here. The anger will just make you feel worse.

May be write him a letter asking him for what you need - be really clear that this is one of the scariest times in your life and how he handles this will define your future relationship and how you see him. Sandwich it between thanking him and praising him for what you can.

Then sit in it for a bit and then decide whether or not to send it.

But once it’s written try and breathe the anger out. Let go of the things you can’t control. Do what you can to make yourself more comfortable.

Come here and have a really good moan about that idiot man!!

And yes he will underestimate and invalidate your experience and you will need to make the call if you need an ambulance. Again - internalised misogyny.

Is there a good friend you could ask for help? Someone to cook you the odd meal. Be on standby to call an ambulance if you think you need it?

Also might be helpful to talk to others who have been through Chemo. I bet you are not the first woman to feel this way about her useless lump of a husband.

Of course get the woman to do it! What low expectations you must have of men.

Op sorry to hear you're going thru this and wishing you all the best.

Aside from this sorry I'm curious why was your hubby eating a roast dinner as you say but you didn't eat the same dinner. He made himself a roast but didnt make enough for two? Sounds odd. Does he usually cook for himself only ?

I'm.sorry you are going through this you just don't want to think about anything other than resting and dealing with your illness
,however your husband is bumbling along because he doesn't know anything else my dad in his 70s would be the same he would be totally useless if my mum was seriously ill, I don't know the answer really maybe get him to prepare simpler meals so it's not stressful for you. Order in your sachets so they are the correct ones just some practical things to make your life easier .

Tbf it sounds like the op needs some more understanding too. Ambulances aren't usually the first port of call for chemo induced diarrhoea for example.

Perhaps they could do with a meeting with the op's specialist nurse to give them both advice on how to cope and manage things, contact numbers for support and guidance re symptoms etc.

She shouldn't have to tell her husband what to do but if women do everything for 50yrs it is no surprise that men might well flounder with a slow cooker.

I've had major surgery and my husband had to return to work, we had young dc. It is hard but it's life, we all have to develop some resilience and tolerance when we get a significant diagnosis.

It sounds like this man just coasted along in life without worrying because the woman did it all, I'm not blaming the op because that's just how things were now he is "useless " because he never had to think about anything else except himself.

I think you need to spell what you want need and expect out to your DH very clearly and nice. If he hasn't got a clue then he will need everything spelling out to him. Repeatedly. You will get there l am sure OP just look after yourself and take Deep breaths before you burst and take your frustration out on him . Wishing you the very best of luck hope you are feeling much better very soon 💐

I imagine this is 50 years worth of resentment just bubbling over don't let it eat away at you, does it matter if stew isn't cooked how you would do it ?

I think it is the horrible cancer, surgery and chemo that is making you angry. That is totally understandable.

Perhaps he worked and she didn't so he provided the roof over their heads, we don't know but tbh if women do everything it is no point then complaining when a man in his 70s <possibly older> doesn't have any domestic capability.

I voted yanbu, but I have to say, one of the things that women (generally) are very bad at is actually saying what we want. I think you have to learn to be selfish OP, tell him exactly what you want, when and how you want it. All the best, you brave woman 🌺

I'm so sorry 4seasons I really am, life must be so hard for you right now and you must have all kinds of things going through your head.
I'm afraid most men just can't cope in these situations. They just don't have the same coping/common sense abilities that we do having raised children, worked and dealt with everything life throws at us.
They are wired competely differently. I've often wondered how they can sleep so soundly when we're awake fuming.
If you were living with a woman things would be very different.
It's difficult to deal with when you are so ill but I think you are just going to have to accept that he is just not at your level of capability and he's doing his best.
Im in my 60s and had been married for a long time when I became extremely ill, not cancer but very serious nonetheless, my husband just freaked out and left while I was in hospital. I never saw him again. My adult son had to come and stay with me and I had to deal with a divorce, selling the house, losing my job, all the while wondering if I'd live.
I did survive and have a lovely new job and house because I'm a woman and thats what we do. The nurses said this happens a lot, fleeing husbands who can't cope.
I remember my aunt being so irate with her husband in their later life for similar reasons that she dumped him and went to live in their holiday home for 3 years. She's back home with him now and they have settled down again.
I think it's important to realise that he's never going to be as capable as you and not to, tempting as it is, to give him a hard time. He will never see what you do.
I brought my son up differently and taught him all of these basic skills but I doubt your husbands mother ever did he would have been expected to get a job and do outside things while being looked after. He wouldn't have any been taught any empathy or caring skills.
I think you will both have to muddle along, at least he is still there. I really hope things get better for you. Much love x

I agree with all of this. Sorry for your situation OP

Thanks again to everyone who has responded . I have no intention of LTB… I’ve invested too much in him !!
The thing is .. he’s been at all the appointments/ meetings with me and has spent time googling stuff . I think some of this is just inattention I.e. sloppiness and inattention to detail…someone mentioned internal misogyny of thinking detail
was menial ( something for women ). There’s certainly an element of this I’m seeing.
As for the lamb dinner ( cold lamb from a previous roast ) and glass of wine … I knew he was having that and was happy for him to have a decent meal . But … he’d said to come downstairs when I fancied something to eat , so I did !! I didn’t know he’d started his dinner.
He gets frequent praise for all he is doing … I’m probably over the top with this. When I did it all it was “ just the way it is “.
He also seems reluctant to say what he thinks. I asked about cancelling an appointment I had ( a home visit .. sort of medical )…. hoping for advice … but just got “
It must be your decision “.
He’s also just offered me scrambled eggs for breakfast having been told by nurses that eggs can be high risk items !!
Anyway , thank you all for your views / help . I think I needed to vent .

@4seasons it’s truly hard when you’re used to running the household (whether you wanted to or not) and your DH is being incompetent. Some of this is learned I’m sure as they’re so used to us putting things right. I’ve been there having chemo and all the appointments so feel your frustration, I remember coming back from
an appointment spag Bol in the slow cooker and 2 kids under 7 all DH had to do was cook some pasta and had he, no. Completely forgot to feed them as that’s what I would have done. Was so pissed off I fed the kids then left the house for a bit to cool down.

Since then I still feel that I have to spell out what actually needs doing as I don’t think it’s as much no thought ie your blackcurrant sachets he just doesn’t think like I do.

Maybe you need to take some time with your treatment plan and think what help you need from him daily, weekly around treatments etc. Give him all the info you will have been given on what you can eat and drink when to get on the phone re any suspicious symptoms or side effects and then see what he says? Also with him going out to his rugby match, ask him what he’s going to put in place in case you feel unwell and can’t contact him.

@4seasons i dont think YABU at all. I have to disagree to an extent with some of the PP re need to be gentler on DH and them not knowing about live bacteria/reheated quiche either. But they’re not expected to but your OH I would expect to be educating himself on this stuff proactively. And if his memory is bad making a list of important things about you eg the allergy to blackcurrants. Yes he should be taking walks and looking after himself also but should put your care first and during your recovery postpone leisure events until your stronger or can have company. He shouldn’t have to be asked constantly always and needs to be a bit more in the moment and pay more attention to what he’s doing if he’s still fairly new to it and rad recipes properly! Eg the stew. Anyway, said my tuppences worth. I wish you all the best ♥️

It isn’t just chemo diarrhoea—it’s stoma chemo diarrhoea, which can become very dangerous very quickly. She was absolutely right to seek help.

Husband should have the wherewithal to recognise gaps in his own knowledge and act to sort them out. It’s not like this is a low-stakes situation.

@4seasons, I hear you, and I think that I know exactly where you are coming from. I so wish that I had some brilliant advice to give you.

As far as I know, I don't have Cancer, but I am having on going tests to monitor that situation. I do have several serious comorbidities, and unfortunately I do have to depend on my husband for all of my personal care.

I can't risk explaining here why I have so much empathy for you OP, as I am already struggling to keep the floodgates from opening, because if they do open, I don't think that I have any energy left to close them again.

I am thinking of you, and wishing you the best of outcomes. I am trying to send you a big, but gentle hug, I hope it has enough fuel in it to reach you. If you have any opportunities to be kind to yourself 4seasons, please take them and hold on to them for as long as possible 🩷 xxx

The skillsets we develop over life are incredible.
I'm currently trying to get DH to talk about his feelings, he is a 55 year old senior professional with a lot of responsibility for people when thinks go really wrong. He's finding naming his emotions very hard and is trying to distract me with a new kitchen rather than put in the hard work acknowledging unfortunate truths.
How the fuck did he get promoted to that level professionally? No idea.
I think you just have to treat your DH like a toddler with excellent motor and purchasing skills. It's not fair but you just have to get through it.
My mum is currently off on holiday with a bunch of merry widows, who miss their partners but not the relentless caring and anticipating needs that they did for decades.

I feel for you. The fact you have been married 50 yrs and he still can't remember you are allergic to blackcurrant. I mean what a total arse. And cooking for himself a great dinner and you with a quiche. I understand your frustration, you literally have done everything and now it's your turn to be looked after. Men are flipping useless sometimes aren't they. What about your sons (guessing carbon copies of dad) , are they coming to see you? Have you friends who can help?

OP, in the nicest possible way, being "taken ill" doesn't necessarily require an ambulance. I'd definitely think twice (or 3 or 4 times) before calling one. The fact that you're conscious and on your phone indicates that it would have been a waste of time.

And he can't cook - neither can I! And as you've always done it, he's never had the opportunity to learn. For some things, you're going to have to accept that standards will slip.

Oh OP I really feel your utter frustration, particularly when this should be a very calm time and you should be comforted and looked after properly by him.

He needs to wake up. I’m sure he’s very capable when he wants to be!

I think in these circumstances (if you can), type out a daily list of what you want/need in bullet points. Keep it simple.

There’s nothing worse than nagging someone who’s incompetent. It’s DRAINING!!

He can miss the rugby for one day. It won’t kill him. The only exception to that would be IF EVERYTHING is in place for you before he goes. Personally I don’t think he should go. You should be his priority now for once.

Wishing you the very best recovery 💐