To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

Is it possible that a lot of your anger is due to being envious (understandably) that he gets to be comfortable and eat normal meals while you are bed bound, loo bound and having to eat very restricted foods?

Ever had chemo? 🤦‍♀️

Rtft? OP provided details of what her and dh enjoyed.

It is when you'd love to eat but are so sick to your stomach - both wYs - that you can't. And when you really need some tlc from your OH...

I genuinely didn’t know you can’t eat food from the freezer while on chemo. Last year I took some meals over for a friend who was undergoing chemo; I’d batch cook and take a couple for her freezer, so that it wasn’t anything that needed eating straight away if she was feeling too awful but could have when convenient. Feel awful now, I really didn’t know

You can eat frozen food if you are having chemotherapy as long as its prepared properly, I think not eating it is personal preference.

I think my response was a bit curt. Sorry!

You can eat frozen food, just as app said has to be properly reheated which tbh is what we all do anyway.

What a lovely think you did, I'd have loved a friend dropping off home cooked food for me whe I was recovering.

It's not something I've heard of.
When relative was discharged from hospital they set up a Wiltshire foods thing delivery weekly of frozen foods via dietician so correct texture for her swallow, will give her a ring and make sure she's been OK as that's concerning!

Ah, should have read on! Thanks @Gloriia !

Honestly, you’ll be fine with a reheated quiche. No reason why you cannot eat that. The electrolyte drink won’t cause any issues either.

No, but I reckon these people know a thing or two. And there's no harm with frozen food, as long as you heat it properly.

OP, I would advise getting a food probe and making sure all food is heated to 70 degrees.

Diet advice during chemotherapy - Food safety | Guy's and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust

Food safety when your immunity is low | Macmillan Cancer Support

There's literally no reason you can't eat any of those foods on chemo.

I respectfully disagree. Someone who wanted to care for their partner but didn't know how would find out how. They'd google the information or ring/email the CNS or the hospital ward they've been given the telephone number for.

Oh, so would I, @C152. But I’m not a man who is from OP’s posts at least in his mid-70s who has not been expected to manage anything in the house for 50 years. I know a couple in their late 70s who don’t own a computer or even a smartphone. My husband has been seriously unwell for much of this year, thankfully well and truly on the mend, now. The situation was frightening and bewildering for me, too and honestly, each time I tried to ring the ward it would ring off the hook (even the hospital switchboard sometimes).

I don’t know how long OP has been living with her current circumstances. If it’s relatively early days, with chemo, I imagine her husband will improve in taking on the caring role

Agree. And before anyone swoops, I have had chemo.

D&V are main issues. Curries, roast meals etc are not typically craved as post-chemo meals. That was my point.

Yes, but that wasn't OP's issue, whether she fancied it or not.

I know a lady with fibromyalgia who can get hold of marijuana. Which is supposed to help with nausea as well as pain. I wouldn't hesitate to try it under these circumstances.

I remember two friends fondly one a widow with three young children who took pot because she worked full time at a GP surgery during chemotherapy to keep body and soul together for her children.

Another friend a pharmacist took it for MS. She too had young children.

Both reckoned it helped.keep the family as normal as possible for the children.

What do people on chemotherapy in India eat? All bread and jam and plain chicken, is it?

Even aside from that, I'm really struggling to see how a roast dinner would be unsuitable for a person going through chemo.

I think people are just being arsey for the sake of it tbh.

This. Sorry I don't think he is looking after you properly and he needs to step up.

The problem was @Wimbledonmum1985 that the food -according to the OP - had already been reheated once, and then frozen for a second time. I think that unless we are very young adults most of us know that frozen food must not be frozen and reheated twice?

@PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting Yeah but that was a massive drip feed and I don't believe a word of it.

I would guess that the op is furious at the diagnosis, the treatment, the stoma, the chemo. It is such a horrible situation to have your life turned upside down and to suffer so much. She can't shout at her stoma though or her diagnosis so her dh will bear the brunt.

I bet he could provide perfect nutritious meals with perfect hoovering but she'd still find fault because she will be so full of stress and is feeling so unwell. I get that I really do, but does the op?

Do you mean to sound a bit rude or ignorant? It can be difficult to tell when writing. Benefit of the doubt that you sincerely want to know, so I "googled" for you. It's difficult to compare, I imagine, as bland food woukd be subjective based on culture, wouldn't it?

www.indiancancersociety.org/cancer-information/pdf/eatwell.pdf