My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

I think you should let your mum leave her estate however she wishes. It is her will and she can leave whatever she wants to whoever she likes.

YABU. You will cause a huge rift between them.

I know she can- but she was asking me what to do.

My sister got a leg up from my parents because she didn’t go to uni, didn’t earn a good salary, and didn’t marry a man who was a six figure earner.
guess who’s now divorced and on benefits?
me and my sister went to the same schools (she’s academically far cleverer than I am) and had all the same opportunities in life.

i think if she wants to offer it around, she offers to you and your brother equally. Then this is your decision to give to your children (I’d strongly advise equally) or not at all, not your mums.

Leave you to do her will as she sees fit. Your will is your choice.

“do what you want mum”. Why would you want to cause upset and a rift between your children?

And do you feel resentful that she got a leg up?

The engagement or marriage could fall apart, leaving your dd with no security. It's your mum's choice obviously, but the fairest option is to provide evenly for all the children. I wouldn't discourage her from this

Definietly put your kids in front of your brother, your mum should split it 50/50 and you do what's best at the time bearing in mind your DD may split from her bloke

Would it really cause a rift? My parents were leaving everything to my brother because he needs it.. why would that cause a rift between me and db?

Speak to your mum and explain the situation about DS and your worries for him. Then leave the rest to her.

Yes. Yes I do. She didn’t even finish college - 6 months before finishing - because she couldn’t be arsed. I’ve worked my damn arse off and no house deposits ever came my way.

Yes, uneven inheritances have destroyed sibling relationships in the past. There are multiple threads on here about it.

Why are you planning your daughter's future based on the inheritance that fiance hasn't even received? They could break up. They might not even end up getting married. Absolutely, anything could happen. It's your job as their mother to treat them fair and equally.

Maybe you’re right.. thank you.

It can cause a rift in normal families. It probably won’t for your dd as she will likely be very well off.

My brother is inheriting the family home, even though we are none of us rich.

I have forgiven my mum but it has ruined my relationship with my brother and has left me and sisters feeling bitter, as we provide the bulk of care to my mum.

That’s life, things aren’t always equal or fair. Your DS could try and get a richer partner if he likes but sounds like he’s happy with his current partner.

is you mum a multimillionaire? If not it’s not going to even things out much anyway.

I would say to your mum she can do what she wants. .. and for you to leave your estate 50/50 .. your DD may need/want some money that is hers irrespective of her husband's money....if she doesn't she can give it all away... Don't decide people's lives for them ...

Talk to the children about it and get her to talk to them, so they understand what she is planning and can express their own feelings. If one of my kids ends up being far poorer than the others, I will talk it over with the three of them and make sure they all understand and agree, and I will give more money to the child who needs it more. So often money is seen as a symbol of love, and that is why different inheritances are so painful, but I think it is the wrong way to see it. Money is a useful thing that should be distributed as needed.

At some point in the future she will ask. And she’ll be told that you basically resented her on your son’s behalf because her partner inherited.

I can't see why she shouldn't leave it equally to you both, if she wants to do so. You're just as deserving. You could then help DS.

Well if she wants to leave anything to her grandchildren then I think it should be even.

OP please don't ask her to leave more to one child

If she leaves it equally and your daughter wants too without being asked or pressured she can offer your son some.

Anyone situation can change at any time and in my experience those with lots of money spend money on locking that money down.

Please don't do your daughter out.

Your son has chosen to make a life with someone who doesn’t earn much, why are you punishing your daughter for his decision? You are relying on your daughter accessing another families money? She’s not even married to him ffs

Thank you, I agree with you and think it’s very wise to have the conversation with them. I KNOW money doesn’t resemble love and I’m hoping they’ll have the sense to recognise that too.