My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

When I was 25 I owned a nice 3 bed semi, about to get engaged and had a partner on a decent salary. My sister a year younger was unemployed and living at home.

I’m now 29 and in my mum’s box room with barely any savings and she’s just bought a house with her partner both earning really good salaries.

Their life isn’t set in stone at 25, 35 or 45. I think they should be treated equally.

Frankly, you or your mum can divide assets how you want, but your children can reallocate them. My DH has done very well for himself. His sister will inherit from her in laws who have substantial property investments. His brother works hard, but doesn't have much. My aunt in law has shown us her will as we are executors, she wants to leave almost everything including a very nice, expensive house to my DH and I. We have explicitly told her that we respect her wishes, but we will be splitting anything equally with the other siblings and wouldn't be ok with anything else. So your mum can do what she wants, but it's really on the children to decide how to allocate it. If they respect each other and each other's needs, it might surprise you what they choose.

Separately - my aunt in law's will notes that we get the house and all the contents, and we think she did this so that we will have to take whatever lunatic of a dog she has at the time, which made us laugh.

I'm sorry but I'm struggling to think of a 'well respected' career on minimum wage with no progression potential. Nurses, teachers etc all earn more than minimum wage.
Minimum wage is reserved for very unskilled jobs. Surely she could consider something with more earning potential?

Your son is not making a good choice incurring lots of debt to do a masters for a career that will only be modestly paid, he should instead consider careers with more potential for better earnings. These are choices. If he wants a passion job that's poorly paid that's a choice.

It may be worded poorly but these were my thoughts too. I couldn’t find an elegant way to say it so chose not to say anything. The truth is you don’t know what is in your daughter’s future. You need to make fair provision for both your children.

What a way to cause issues and resentment between your children. Just because they have happened to meet people with different circumstances doesn’t mean that they should be treated differently within their own family

While no one should expect an inheritance, your way of thinking is awful

I used to think like that. I'm not materialistic at all. I would far rather my parents leave more/the most/all to the sibling most in need.

But when my dear old grandma died, I was unexpectedly really upset about the will even though it was clearly for practical reasons. I never expressed my upset of course. And I wasn't upset for materialistic reasons obviously.

But when someone is dead the will is one of the most lasting, concrete things they leave behind and it can feel a lot like acknowledgement of your existence, the last act of care and protection and wanting to share with a loved one. It rather feels like someone else was chosen and valued over me. It's not rational or true but there it is.

I'd treat them equally. An ex colleague of mine was on around £300k a year and had done well out of property development - she was worth several million. But she still had a massive issue with her mum and dad giving her sister the family fast food place to even things up.

She said "not well paid", not minimum wage. And plenty of professions are not well paid, pretty much anything in the public sector!

Always split evenly (except if one child has a severe disability). Anything else risks resentment and arguments.

^ This x 1000. I think the OP's DM should also split the money equally with the OP and her brother. Up to the OP whether she gives money from the will to her brother (or her kids).

OP, why can your brother not support himself and requires top ups from you and your DM? Is he severely disabled in some way?

This.

I've seen it in my own family. My mother was omitted from her father's will, with no explanation, and no obvious reason (except she married a very wealthy man). Her other siblings simply pooled & re-divided what parts of my grandfather's estate which could be pooled & divided.

It was awful to see my mother's bewilderment about this silent disinheriting. And luckily her siblings didn't think "Oh, she doesn't need it because she married a rich man." They saw inheriting from their shared father as part of being a family - symbolic and actual.

My parent died last year and has unexpectedly divided their estate into thirds, giving two thirds to my younger sibling and the remaining to me. It was explained that it was because I had a steady job and was a homeowner and they had a child. Whilst I understand this on a rational level it has really upset me. It's as if am being penalised for decades of hard work in a really high pressure public sector role. I will end up no better off than my sibling who chose the path of least resistance work wise and I will likely have to retire much later because of this too. But much more than this, it is hard not to see this as a cruel act of favouritism. My advice - always split equally if you don't want a family rift.

All my grandparents have died. My beloved grandmother was the last to go. When discussing inheritance I requested the money and financial assets be given to the others (including my cousin's) and that get the tea caddy, a specific photo album and an ornamental granny in a rocking chair. When she died, she'd honoured my wishes and I'm so glad she did. My siblings have no idea I did not receive the money they did.

So no, it won't necessarily cause a rift.

This.

I genuinely couldn't care less if my parents leave me everything they have or there's nothing left.

What does get to me, as much as I don't want it to, is the implication that my sister is more deserving of help than me, because I made different (they think better but depends on your POV I guess) choices.

Why is me being able to provide well for myself and my family, and having chosen a DH who does the same, a reason to support me less?

I agree.

I have agreed on many things just to keep things peaceful. On the odd times I have stood up I have been told I was selfish and ended up with bad feelings.
I can look back and still see that I was not being selfish, but was asking, often not even for equals, just not such a big discrepancy. Just because I was seen as the easy one, and that things came easily to me, I was always expected to step back.
And the effort I put in was dismissed as luck.

But most of the time I swallowed my hurt and agreed.

This would be something that however much you protested, it would feel to me that you didn't see me as an equal person.

But that was your choice.

If she'd left you a teapot and them £300k, and you hadn't asked, how would you have felt?

I think the huge difference is you discussed and voluntarily requested it. I think I'll feel very differently about my parents' inheritance because it's something we've discussed beforehand - I told them to give me less or none compared to my siblings who really need it. When it's not requested, it can come as tacit abandonment.

But that was your choice.
If she'd left you a teapot and them £300k, and you hadn't asked, how would you have felt?

Exactly. Although in that poster's position I'd have probably accepted money and given it to my daughter if I didn't need it.

I agree with those saying you don't know what will happen in the future. My colleague was planning to go to her cousin's wedding this weekend. He and his girlfriend had just bought a house they were planning to start a family. Today she went to his funeral.

You don't know if DD's bf will inherit. You don't know if they will still be together. You can't plan for stuff like that.

Personally I think everything should be as equal as possible.

By doing this you’re giving a big ‘fuck you’ to your daughter and are being incredibly naive to think it won’t cause a rift. You are placing a value judgement on your son and his choices that means your daughter is essentially going to be subsidising his career choice. It’s his choice to go into lower paying (for now)- there are plenty of very successful people in lower paid sectors who do very well financially either through rising up and taking on senior posts or moving. You can’t judge future prospects by their position in their 20s. By trying to equalise you risk making things much worse.

How would you feel if your son got a massive leg up over your daughter and he went on to be a COO of a charity earning well (just as an example) and your daughter divorced and she was stuck as a single parent with limited earning potential with the inheritance held in a trust she didn’t have access to.

I just do not see it like this at all.

DHs parents are like you, and won't help out his sister with really basic things, like money to fix her car because they feel they should give us the same and no amount of "we don't need it" seems to be getting through to them. Actually really fucks off DH and I. We aren't in a position to help them out ourselves (especially as my siblings need similar help) but his parents are but won't for fear of "being unfair" where's as DH and I strongly believe in "to each person their need". Thankfully my dad feels the same as me so helping out my siblings is something he does when they need it.

My parents just want to know that when they’re not here their son and his kids have a roof over their head. I can understand this, I’d feel the same.

He only way for parent to ever split their money/assets between their dc's is equally imo. I have 5 dc's and no matter what position they're in when I get old everything will be split 5 ways.

Anything else will potentially cause huge problems. Don't get involved.

Honestly I would level the playing field. My Nana did, and it didn’t cause any issues, but I really think it depends on the people involved. My mum’s siblings knew in advance my mum was getting more and understood - a bunch kids on a council estate vs no kids, owned their own homes. I can see how it could cause issues, but to be honest I wouldn’t want my mum to split evenly because at the end of the day me and my siblings are not equal financially. Me and DB own our homes and are pretty financially secure, some of my other siblings less so. I know we won’t be getting an even share, the only thing I actually care about getting is some sentimental things that are explicitly left to me.

My siblings and I have ended up with a huge disparity in money. I am the poorest and I don't care. I'm also much happier than my poor sibling who has married a millionaire who drinks like a fish and is hugely damaged from childhood. Sibling also earns a fortune on top of spousal inheritance.

I suspect I may inherit from an aunt but I will still split it between my siblings and I if I do. I couldn't not share it equally.

So I would let the chips fall where they may and let people decide how to do their will themselves tbh.

YABU. While it is obviously up to your mother since it’s her money, if she is asking your opinion, then I think you should suggest that if there is any money left after care, that it should be divided equally between you and your brother.

Then if and when you eventually receive your half of any inheritance, you can then decide who needs that money the most at that time - your brother, your son, your daughter or even yourself. Anyone’s financial circumstances can change in even just a few years, so that would seem to me both the most logical and as well as the “fairest” thing to do.