My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Yes I can imagine his parents will make her sign a prenup so you’re probably right. Mine and my brother’s situation couldn’t be more different and I’ve always felt for my mum thinking I’d hate it if that were my kids. Now it will be.. yes I know anything could happen, I said that in my op, but as a mother it’s not easy!

You are making a lot of assumptions about your daughter's future.

Yes there is absolutely that option.. thank you.

There’s a lot of maybes in your plan. Your DD may never marry - she may stay engaged or split. If they do marry he may not be left millions or it might be in trust.
By saying leave to brother you are potentially depriving your children one of which may need more than brother.
Up to your mum but a normal distribution is to both children equally assuming not estranged. Then when you inherit you can decide if you want to gift money to one child or both.

She gives him money all the time and so do we.

You can say what you want but as you've already found, people change their minds. You didn't care for money until you thought it might benefit your son.
Your dd, whatever she says to your face, will resent it.

Ds has chosen his life.

"I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives."

Gently, yes YABU.

You haven't taken into account that if one of your children is left money by their grandparent and the other is not, no matter how the non-inheritor tries to feel about it they will be left with that nagging doubt that their grandmother didn't love them as much as they loved the sibling who does inherit. There's a good chance it will drive a wedge between siblings too.

So no, your idea of 'evening things out' will just introduce different problems.

The biggest shame about all of this is the fact that we now live in an inhertocracy. Doesn't matter how hard young people work, whether they get an inheritance or not is what will have the biggest influence on their lives.

You have no idea what the future holds. YABU.

Well because you already want some it for your own kids.

I’d either share between you and your brother equally or by pass you and go straight to your kids. Your dd could split with her partner and end up in a less stable position.
my dds are in a similar position but I wouldn’t dream of not being equal with them.

id be extremely pissed off if my brother got something and i didnt based on me having a rich partner

No, bad, bad idea. 50/50 you and your brother if this is what your mother also wants. You are being completely presumptuous and dare I say sexist. Your dd's partner's money is not hers and she deserves her "own" money and you should not rely on potential money that may come her way via her FIL and Dh to be.

I truly hope you haven't already influenced your mother. You cannot predict how your dc's lives will pan out and who will stay will whom longterm.

Stay out of it but if asked, accept your 50% share and pass this on as and when 50/50 to your dc. Everything else is delulu.

The way I always view it is... you don't know else the future holds. Your DD may not get married, her future husband could lose the business, they could end up on the bones of their arse.
On the other hand your DS could win the euro millions....
It should be split evenly IMO.

I’m sorry that that evidently unsettles you, but without too much detail that is the situation.

My dsis has married money I haven’t but I don’t begrudge her a penny and am happy with my lot! I would not expect more money to be left me than her just because her dh has more money ! She could still spend a legacy in any way she saw fit as would I . We all have to work for things in life I think you should put your energy into being there for them and proud of their achievements as individuals regardless of finances. Money is not everything .

I don’t believe inheritance should be means tested.

I also don’t think I’d give much mind to the kind of financial equality you’re talking about.

I would want my children to be housed, happy and healthy - what that looks like, I don’t care.

If your son is happy with his life with a low earning partner in a council house; and your daughter ends up inheriting a mansion with hers - as long as they’re both satisfied that’s all that matters IMO.

You are overthinking this and being controlling.

Leave it 100% up to your mother but the only sensible way to share any inheritance from your DM is 50/50 and then pass it on 50/50 later on.

Unless you want your dc to hate each other.

Arg, this is soooo naive and a completely meddling. Awful.

Please don’t do this. I was your DD then I got sick. You don’t know what life will throw at you and equal is the fairest.

This is my thought. Ultimately both of your children have made life choices that are currently leading to different financial outcomes. These are their choices. Anything can change in the future regarding sepearation/divirce/new partners/change of job/health. Interfering now financially could just cause further issues down the line. From a purely emotive perspective a Will can inspire strong feelings with money seen as representing feelings - one sibling loved more etc. you could cause long term damage to their relationship and their thoughts of you and their grandma.

Always split evenly (except if one child has a severe disability). Anything else risks resentment and arguments.

my sister and I both “married well” and have no mortgage. Our brother has no fixed job and has a much smaller house, but that is his choice of how to live and pursue a high risk career that might pay off one day. My parents have always said everything will be split equally.

I don't think that's nasty or twisted. It is actually what you are doing. You are looking beyond your daughter to her soon-to-be fiancé for her financial future. Regardless of your DS's situation, surely you see how wrong that is? You are making her dependent on him. She won't have any of the financial freedom from her boyfriend that you'd be affording your son. Add to that that you want to actually take from her to give to your DS - I'm struggling to see how you think that can be in any way right? How can you do that to her?

Do you know every in and out of your daughter's relationship? Do you know every detail of how it will pan out over the course of her life, or how dependent any children she may have will be on her for the rest of her life? Do you know every detail of how your son's life or his girlfriend's life will pan out? Do you know when your mum will pass on and how much she will leave behind? Do you know what the future holds for your brother or you? Do you know every detail of your brother's financial set-up?

This is all about your anxieties for your son's financial future and really not much else. You have absolutely no right going about meddling in third parties' financial affairs in a misguided belief that you'll be doing right by your son (and only your son). I'm actually really cross on your daughter's behalf. How can you do this to her?

It might be worth your DS looking at what he can realistically save and career prospects and speaking to a mortgage advisor. I honestly thought I'd never be able to buy a place until I spoke to a mortgage broker and went through my options and I bought my first place in January

It's all pie in the sky, it's an inheritance that he might not end up with. Family could be millions in debt to the taxman for all you know. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, leave it all to DS while your son-in-law runs off with the nanny. Or the million pound inheritance might be ringfenced for just your son-in-law. Folk with money often know how to keep it in the family.

Unless your DS has SEND or another reason why he can't be independent, then share it equally.

You can’t dish out money based on the current situation. Things change. Families aren’t equal. Some siblings are lovely, some are not. Some help elderly parents and some do don’t. BUT it has to be split fairly. Your Mum should leave it 50 / 50 to you and your DB. And when you get to that stage, you should leave it 50/50 to your children.

If your DD is a squillionnaire and your DS is still in his uppers in 30 years time, have the conversation. But your DD could get done over in a prenup and your DS may have won the lottery. You just don’t know.