My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Split it equally between you and your brother.
When the time comes you can sign a Deed of Variation to pass (some of) the money to your brother, DS, or DD depending on the then situation.

Your children are in their 20s. Who know how things will pan out for them? DS and his partner might retrain, they might start a successful business, he might meet someone else, it's really early days to be assuming he won't be able to buy without help.
And really gran should leave her £ to her children equally. You can choose at the point you actually get it to give it to your brother or to your children if you feel that is the right thing to do.

Naivety at its best. Was there ever an uneven will that didn’t cause endless hassle and upset? Speaking from experience, I think the best is always to split inheritances equally. If you want to help your brother out then, that’s up to you.

So your DS has some kind of disability which means he can’t make a way for himself in the world?

Because frankly if he will never be able to afford to get on the housing ladder that’s on him.

Some people have money through luck. But most people have it through design and the work they themselves put into it.

If he’s capable of going to uni, getting a job, marrying. Partner then he can make his own way in the world.

Sick of this expectation that parents should be supporting their children through life into adulthood. He’s an adult, he’s responsible for himself.

But hey drive a wedge between your children by leading them to believe that everything you believe in is all about money.

Bear in mind that if you speak to her your daughter may feel like she is being expected to say no, she doesn’t mind.

When my mum asked me if I minded not being left a share of the family home, I told her yes, I do mind. This led to me being called greedy, just because I have a mortgage for a terrace with 22 years still on it.

Equal splits at both levels IMO

Except in cases where one sibling has major additional needs and can’t live independently, you can never know for sure who will need the money more in future.

Very optimistic to assume one child is sorted because they are engaged to someone who will inherit wealth! They might break up before they get married, they might get divorced, something could happen to her fiancé.

Let your mum decide. I don't think it is fair to give yohr daughter less though.
If she is a good person she will help her sibling some way anyway.

To some extent OP it's a choice your DS is making to commit to a partner who is on minimum wage with low aspiration to earn more.

Im not saying he should be gold digging but most people look for a life partner with similar lifestyle ambition to themselves, so if they hope to one day be financially secure they will be looking to progress a decent career themselves, and attracted to a partner who is looking to progress in a career.

Could your son be doing a bit more to develop more of a career? Does he have to settle for a GF with low aspiration?

Oh god don’t do this!!!!! Your DD might have to have a prenup, or the marriage might only last a year and she’s not “entitled” to money. My point is you just don’t know. They might not even get married!! You are likely to cause a rift between your children.

What a nasty, twisted reply. They will be getting engaged next week on holiday and married next year. Did you “access” your dh’s money when you married?

Get your Mum to split her will 50/50 between you and your brother. Then you can help your kids. Don't make assumptions - life can take many turns.

I actually think you’ve started this a generation back, you’re saying to your mum she should even up you and your dbs life choices, and now you are saying she should even up your DCs instead.

how about you stop seeing inheritance as a way of balancing out different ways of living and more about the person who has died showing who matters to them?

if your mum is asking you what to do, you could say “either leave it equally to me and my brother, or if you want to leave it to him because he needs it more, that’s ok as long as I know that’s why I’m getting nothing. If you leave anything to me, I’ll use it to help my kids as and when they need it.”

your son might dump his current partner for someone filthy rich. Your daughter might be asked to sign a prenup and leave a relationship with very little. She might be marrying a man who makes poor choices and loses the bulk of the money. Your son might win the lottery.

My ds is just starting out in his career after doing a Masters, he’s passionate about it but it’s not one of the top paying careers. His partner’s chosen a well respected career, but a badly paying one.

I agree that it should be left between you and your brother. My children are in different positions, too, but I wouldn't dream of leaving one more than the other. I would help one out more now, while I'm still alive, but not in my will.

You say your son's partner is on minimum wage. Is he on more than that? Does she have any ambition and if not, does that bother him?

Suggest she gives half to your brother and then splits what would have been your half between your two children. Unfair to treat the children differently, nobody can predict how their lives will pan out one might win the lottery 🤷‍♀️. Keep it equal and fair.

Bear in mind that her partner being from a wealthy family may mean that she benefits from it, but does not mean that the wealth will become equally hers, or be readily accessible to her, upon marriage. It does not necessarily guarantee a financially secure future for her. Wealthy families usually protect their wealth so it cannot be easily lost in a divorce.

Why are you forgiving your mum but holding resentment towards your brother?

So I am wealthier than my siblings and have said to my parents that they do not have to leave me anything. They did think about it but (I think) have decided that they want to treat us equally and that if i then want to gift part of my share to my siblings (or formally vary the will), then i can do that. As between you and your brother, then i think a similar approach would work.
If you then decide you want to give some of what you keep (or your other assets) to one DC but not the other then that is your decision but i think it is very difficult unless the DC with the rich fiance supports this (as i would have done if my parents were minded that way).

you should ask your dm to bypass you and so your brother gets 50% and each of your children gets 25%.

anything else you cannot predict.

But these are their choices

They could have chosen something they enjoyed less but earned more 🤷‍♀️

You mention how much your DS’s partner earns but not how much he earns. Does he have good career prospects?
ETA apologies, just saw your post about his career.

i think it’s best your mum leaves it equally between you and your brother and then you can give it to your son.

im not in the same situation yet but I have one db who works hard and long hours but doesn’t earn a hugely. He’s had MH problems in the past but enjoys his job and is finally mentally healthy, so money isn’t the most important thing in his life.

I have had a different path and earn well and mortgage free late 30’s. Parents have told me that their wills are split equally between us all. I’ve told my mum that I will make sure my db’s mortgage is paid off with my share as he barely has a pension.

If your brother is desperate right now, it might make more sense for her to help him out with a gift or a long-term loan, and divide her estate equally - whether that means just you and your brother or whether she also wants to make specific behests to the children, either option is OK. Things may change with any of all of your finances before the will comes into play and the estate is settled.

Can DS and his DP move in with you if you have space so they can save up for a home deposit? Even a one bed flat will be good.