My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

I'm not reading the whole lot but I'd stay out of it. Hopefully your daughter will have a good life and your son will find his feet but fortunes can change. Tell your mother to make her own decisions. Hopefully your daughter won't but people can find themselves in hard times after marrying well

honestly I’m on the other side of this. One of six with my younger brother being worse off than the rest of us for various reasons. Weve all told our parents to leave him the bulk of their estate as we want him to be able to buy a home like we all have done.
its only on Mumsnet that inheritance have to be strictly equal regardless of the wealth of the kids.

I would never begrudge my brother anything and honestly think less of those who in similar circumstances begrudge a sibling.

It's very different someone telling their parents to do that, and the parents doing it off their own bat.

If you say to do it, then presumably you've all decided that would be the best use of money (although I hope it was all deciding individually, rather than the dominant sibling announcing this is a good idea and the others feeling that they have to agree). This doesn't mean that the parents don't value the siblings differently.
Someone else deciding can be equated to the amount they value the different people, or making assumptions about lifestyle/amount of money etc.

If parents say that's what they're going to do then the disinherited sibling is put in an awkward position as if they say they're not happy about it, then they can look (and be accused) of being uncaring towards sibling, greedy etc. So they'll keep quiet.
So often they will be put in the position of having to look like they're happy about it, while feeling very hurt.

I don't know why so many people can't see the difference between you asking your parents to do something and your parents just deciding one of you is "more deserving".

Exactly this. Also who's to say the daughters relationship will go through distance and might need financial assistance of her own if the marriage doesn't work out. She might be asked to sign a pre nup. Inheritance should be shared equally regardless of current situation.

I received an inheritance from my aunt and uncle which was very equally divided - 20% of the estate to each sibling, and 5% of the estate to each niece/nephew. I believe one sibling gave some of theirs to help one nephew out further. If it's split equally, beneficiaries could agree to give some of their inheritance to another family member, but it would start if off fairly. My dad has given some of his to me and my siblings, as he didn't feel he needed that much money.

@lizzyBennet08- how old were you all then? It does feel rather different to make those decisions about who “needs” the money when everyone’s in their 40s/50s, settled down, established (or not) careers, bought houses (or not), completed families and know if any of those dcs will have additional needs that mean they’ll need long term provision or not etc.

Very different to the OP deciding her 20-something ds (who has only just graduated from his masters and just started working, is dating -not married/engaged - a woman who currently isn’t earning much) that he’ll definitely not be able to fund a good lifestyle for himself but we equally young dd is set for no financial issues due to being engaged to a man who stands to inherit a lot.

That's fine, you can say that about yourself. But surely you wouldn't encourage someone to leave one of your own children out?

Hard to know if I would have felt differently if this had been discussed when we were much younger.

my parents were older when they had him and we were like mothers to him versus sisters so my gut is that I wouldn’t have felt differently .
I think I would just feel relief that he would be looked after ( and be glad that I didn’t have to worry about it after they were gone which I absolutely would have in their absence.
We’re a very close family though and I just never see us falling out over money no matter what my parents did .