My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

OP an inheritance is a non-matrimonial asset. If your DD splits from her wealthy partner there is no guarantee she'll get a penny of his inheritance. You are making her entirely reliable on his good will which isn't great.

My son was engaged to a woman from a multi million pound family - they split up 4 years later.

Inheritances should be equally split, because situations can spin on a dime. At one time I was much wealthier than my sister. I've since divorced and she is wealthier than me.

I don’t see why you encouraged your mum to leave her assets all to one child! Seems odd thing to do.

50% to your brother 25% each to your DC. End of.

Look, you've had the opportunity to say you don't want her money and what you would rather her do with it. That's entirely fine.

If, however, you tell your mother to not give one of your two children anything but to give to the other, your daughter will hear that she's not worth the same as her brother.

My sister and I went to the same school, had the same parents, same up bringing, same opportunities and support. She's not as academic or career driven as me and so we have very different career paths. I also married a man who works hard and likes to progress in his career while she married one who doesn't want to progress or have any interest in work beyond paying the basic bills. So our lives look different.

My parents regularly gift her money or other things. Because she's deemed less "capable" than me they give a lot of practical support whereas I'm regularly told I don't need it. I grew up with her, I know she needed it but she's now a grown adult, married woman who isn't that much younger than me. So it often stings to hear "we've given her x, y or z because she needs our help, you don't".

It makes it feel like because I and my husband have made different life choices, gone down different paths, etc, we aren't as worthy of the support. I try and remind myself that it doesn't matter and I don't actually need it, but it still feels like they think she's more deserving.

Don't do that to them. If you don't want your share, tell your mum you'd rather she spilt it between your kids. Not that one is more deserving of her help than the other.

@Fetafettish Would it really cause a rift? of course it will cause a rift!!! they will know that this instruction has come from you! and you must also leave your money equally to your son and daughter! do you really want your daughter to feel "less loved!"

if your Mum’s inclination is to tear her own children equally, so be it.

That is what I would do.

If she leaves ££ to you and you don’t need it then divert it equally to your kids.

Anything else is essentially meddling and engineering and will leave someone feeling left out.

I have no idea why you would ask her to a) leave your share to your DBro which will ultimately de-prioritise your own kids, or b) suggest your two kids are treated differently.

Your job, IMO, is to treat your kids equally.

You say your Ds is doing well in his chosen field, good for him. How do you know he will even stay with his current partner? He might be the next to marry into millions.

I would split evenly. For your mum - equally between her children ( you and your brother) . When it is your turn equally between your children. Anything else causes resentment. People’s lives change. Your daughter may end up destitute and your son may become wealthy.

I think your mum should divide her legacy equally. What you do with it is your choice. Your DC’s choices may change. You shouldn’t give up your share because you will pass in wealth to your children.

By DBro and SIL are rolling in it compared to me.

I would be horrified and embarrassed if my parents or grandparents will favoured me over my Db. And feel compromised and patronised.

but AIBU to try and even things out?

You're being very unreasonable to use the promise of your mother's estate to "even things out" @Fetafettish

Help your DS if you want, but don't cut your DD out.

You're even MORE unreasonable to seek actively to disinherit your daughter. She's as much a member of her birth family as her brother!!!

You might want to reflect on why you think your DS's life choices are more deserving than your DD's.

The fairest thing to do is to split it between all children/ grandchildren equally.

I’m married to someone whose parents are millionaires. His parents have specified that everything goes straight to their grandchildren because we have everything we need. This is also partly because they see it as a way of protecting their money from potential unknowns for example one of their children (my DH) gets divorced, and DIL (me) meets new partner who then benefits from their money.

Whats if your daughters in laws do the same? You cant ask your mother to base her will on an outcome that is entirely out of her control.

Hope this helps xx

Strange the money would be going to only the male members of the family, either her brother, or her son. 🤔

As her dd apparently 'bagged a rich guy'. 🤔

And how come the male members of the family are all worse off making bad financial decisions? It wouldn't be because they have been pandered to I hope.

I will echo - you say you don’t need the money - BUT what of your circumstances change? You need carers? You fancy a world tour?

Stop worrying about everyone else and actually look after yourself first.

DD might not see any of that money, it isn't her inheritance and she isn't entitled to any of it if they get divorce.

I'd advise my mum to give them an equal share.

I would prioritise your son over your brother personally

So what happens if your brother and his partner have children before they inherit? It’s only fair to share it out even more to include all grandchildren then?

I think it’s not your business or decision. And £££ does not equal happiness. As long as your DS is not in the throes of poverty he could be every bit as happy as your DD.

I would say the most important things to remember are:

It’s not “fair” to compensate for poor life choices of children, particularly to the child who made “good” choices.

Many people - and your children may be part of this - see inheritance as a sign of who is important to the deceased. Why encourage your dd to hold the view her grandmother loved her brother more than her.

In every case I have met where parents have “given to the one who needs it” rather than equally, it’s always been the boys who “needs it”.

(rather than advising your mother to leave money to your ds, could you advise your ds that perhaps saddling himself with extra debt of a masters only to take a low paying career may not lead to long term happiness and security?)

I don’t think it’s mean and twisted. Your mother will cause a rift between your children if she’s not careful. Your mother should divide her estate equally, in my view, and you are then free to leave yours to your children (or one child if you feel so inclined, not something I’d do personally).
FWIW my husband and I are high earners. My sister is a nurse.
Our other sibling is somewhere in between.
My mother told me recently that we are all executors and her estate is divided equally between the 3 of us. I agree with this. My sister chose to become a nurse, knowing it pays badly. I chose to go into a high paying corporate profession, something I have never really enjoyed, purely because I wanted to “be rich”. I shouldn’t be punished for that choice.

DM leaves money to you and DB.

Then you can gift to DB or DS or whoever.

You're very defensive of your daughter's choices, while effectively planning to disinherit her.

Look, if she and her boyfriend marry, I'd bet my house that she'll be required to sign a pre-nup (one of my siblings married a person from a very rich family & had to even though we're also a very affluent family), and I'd also bet my other house that there'll be strings attached to any money from her boyfriend's family business (my sibling is a saint in terms of what they've put up with in terns of in-laws' interference). I do not envy them at all.

Money via inheritance is not just about the actual hard cash. It's about one's place in the family. If your DD were effectively disinherited - on the advice of her own mother (I find this shocking) - what does that say to her? Yes, it's just money & she looks like she'll have plenty. But it's also symbolic.

One of my parents just died. The will leaves their estate equally to all their children, even though only one of us really needs it (not me or my well-married sibling). But it would have been unthinkable to my parent to leave things unequally. Whatever our circumstances, they left their worldly goods to us equally.

It won't necessarily cause a rift. Wouldn't in my family.

So much conflict potential. Your DD may end up needing the money decades down the line (or even sooner) and then resenting all of you. Or she may not need the £ but still associate it with favouritism - these feelings aren't logical. Why not split half between DD and DS? It will still be a leg up for DS, and it won't hurt DD.