My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Your DS and DD have chosen very different lives- the choice of life partner profoundly changes the lives they will have. It's not you job to even this out, nor should you try- it's their choice. It may be moot anyway, depending on how much care you mother needs.

I think it's fine for you to decide you don't care about the money or want your inheritance. What's not fine is to decide your daughter won't care or want it.

She might not even say yes!

It feels very unfair on your son to effectively disinherit him of any grandparent inheritance.

But as for their different fortunes in life, that's the wheel of fortune for you. Besides, so much can happen. The biggest determinants of wellbeing aren't just money. Successful relationships are important, and all kinds of life events outside your control like I'll health and bereavement.

Leave them to it!

I don't believe in leaving money unequally between kids. It's like punishing the one that inherits less for their hard work/good fortune. Also there is no guarantee the rich husband will be a generous husband - she did marry him and not his bank account after all (provided she's in it for the right reasons). My MIL has assumed I'm much richer than I am so has told my husband he'll be getting less because of it, it also means although we married with the intention of pulling out own weight financially as I don't think it's right for one grown adult to financially baby another as it leads to gold digging, being unambitious and just marrying and/or staying married for the wrong reasons etc. I was going to leave everything I have spare in trust to our kids. Now MIL has done this it's forced my hand to subsidise my husband. It is also just comes of like a shitty gesture to her son - I feel like she's punishing him for marrying me tbh as she's never liked me. I started at minimum wage and have just had to find ways to work my way up, by the sounds of it DS needs to take control of his professional life and get himself up skilled. I've only done on the job training but climbed the ladder into people management and blah blah blah - it's easy enough for someone who is ambitious.

When my DH's grandfather died in 1948 he left two thirds of his estate to his son and one third to his daughter. Nearly eighty years on we are still dealing with the results of the resentment that caused.
My advice is always to leave your estate to your children equally.

So your mum was going to split 50/50 you and your brother but you told her you don't need it, but then you want ds to get a share but not dd.
If you just let your mum split the inheritance as she was going to surly then in years to come you can give what you want to your dc. I personally don't think it's a good idea to talk to your children about your mother's money, it's not up to you and your children it's up to her and things can change so you and dc having a discussion about her money could cause problems/resentment in the future. I would just say to mum it's probably best to split 50/50 and leave it at that.

No your daughter isn’t married to this person yet. It’s his families money not hers. I have been in a similar situation and it has definitely caused resentment.

Share everything equally between the children. It is up to the wealthier one whether or not they want to loan the money to their sibling to help them out.

It’s not. It’s exactly what you are doing. Why are the bars for sons so so low?

How would you feel in ten years if your daughter was divorced and walked away from the marriage with nothing (prenup), and your son split with his current partner and ended up with someone very wealthy?

Well, she could leave you your equal share to do with what you wish. You could then speak to your kids and ask what they would like to do. They might say… whoever needs it sooner would have theirs, and anyone who doesn’t need it now might want to put their share into savings or a trust in case they have children? Or for you to keep hold of in case anything happened.

the best thing to do is all sit down and discuss it together, as a family, with your mum too.
I hope this doesn’t happen but if your mum needs long term care there might not be much left anyway… but talk to each other…!

A viewpoint. DH and I are very comfortable but not rich. DH’s sister is also comfortable but not rich.

DH and I both work full time. We thought carefully about where to buy a house, with no help from anyone, and prioritised paying it off. We went without luxuries at times to do so, and have done jobs we’d rather not have done. We’re now financially stable and although DH earns well, he is desperately planning to find a way out of his job he has done for 25 years which really grinds him down. DH’s sister is a sahm to one child who is 9, she worked part time for years before having her. Her husband earns well. They made different financial choices to us and spent money on luxuries we went without. They wanted a bigger house so went to her parents and they obliged with a large sum of money. DHs parents ‘asked’ DH beforehand if he minded them giving most of his inheritance away now to help his sister. Of course he said yes to keep the peace, sister was ready to make an offer on a house, they’d already planned to give it to her.

DH is a very pragmatic person and gets why his parents did what they did. We have discussed it many times and he has tried to rationalise it; we weren’t ever expecting to inherit from anyone, we have everything we need, his sister has always ‘needed more help’, he’s more independent, etc. But DH still feels really shit about it, like she’s the favourite, he is less of a concern to them, his needs are unimportant, they don’t really like him.

I think it’s hard not to feel like that when one child’s needs are put first.

It’s impossible not to feel that way. There might be the odd example of a multi multi millionaire not caring, but the majority of people would be extremely hurt wherever the circumstances, it is a deep wounding that is hard to recover from. Almost irreparable, I don’t know any parent that would knowingly inflict that on their child, but some do sadly.

My DH's grandfather left his house to only one of his DSs - he had his reasons. The DBs never spoke again. Caused a terrible rift in the family. Years later one is dead, the other with advanced dementia in a care home. It just seems so sad and pointless.

If your Mum is asking then why not suggest leaving some of your share to both of your children equally? That way there’s no upset but it will help one have more future security.

Like others I think DM should share her assets in her will as she sees fit. Personally we will leave ours equally between our two. We cannot possibly know how ‘equal’ their futures will be: one could marry a millionaire who then loses the lot on the stock market, one could invent an apparently innocuous gadget and earn a fortune, one may have significant MH issues/an accident/illness and never work at all. Any and all of this could happen long before or after I’ve popped my mortal coil. I can’t know.

We’ve given to them equally during their lives in terms of investment in education, extra curricular stuff, uni (from next year), saved-up deposits for their first houses when they come to buy. After that what they achieve in their lives in terms of home ownership, annual income, career choice is up to them. It’s not my place to make it fair when I die. Until then, they have my equal and unwavering love and support.

I'm sure your daughter would want to earn her own money in her own right than sponge off a rich husband all her life. It's his money not hers. Your kids should be treated equally by family no matter what their external circumstances are.

There's a lot of 'what ifs' and 'whataboutisms' from mumsnetters in this post. To be honest, if your dd prospective inlaws have sat them down and discussed the will, I doubt very much she would be left with nothing even in the event of a prenupt. Personally, I think you all sound like a lovely supportive family. Maybe do what your mum did and ask your dd what she thinks you should do. I have a friend living in a house bought by his parents but it's going to be left to all three kids. This was with the agreement of all three as my friend has disability which will prevent him ever doing a high earning job. When the kids get married, there will be a prenupt about this house only so the house won't be considered in any divorce ensuring they always have somewhere to live. For the 'whatiffers', yes they could all fall out but then again, they might not 🤞 On a side note, I wrote mumsnutters by accident, was it autocorrect or subliminal typing?

I would always encourage equality - no one knows what the future holds. As others have said to treat siblings unfairly could cause resentments and rifts and that is the last thing you would want to happen.

I have a friend who's sister married into a very wealthy family, her husband is very wealthy- her sister who we thought had the better end of the deal most definitely didn't and my lovely friend most definitely became the better person for it. We saw her sister becoming judgemental and spoilt, snooty and for all senses of the word a complete snob. All the riches in the world didn't do for her.

When their own parents died in a tragic accident - they didn't have a great deal to leave them - but the split was share evenly. My friend's sister just wanted the money and sold everything left to her and frittered all the money away within months on designer this and that, socialising, etc. Whereas my friend invested what little money there was in a small business idea and kept the few treasured possessions.

My friend's business grew so much that within just a few years she was able to sell it and has since taken early retirement with her husband and children and they can live comfortably in a beautiful home. They will have no future worries.

Her sister never worked after marriage, eventually found out her husband had multiple affairs, she'd signed some well-crafted pre-nup and after an acrimonious divorce has ended up lonely and financially in ruins with few friends because of her vile behaviour, and no children, because her figure and social life were always more important to her than having any family. It's so incredibly sad.

However, my lovely friend, is so lovely, that she has helped her sister out because she has remained such a beautiful soul and still cares so much for her sister - despite how her sister has treated her in the past.

I would always split things fair and square - you never know what might happen!

Surely the simple answer is to ask your suggest to your mum to leave you whatever proportion she thinks appropriate. 50/50 with your brother seems the correct figure regardless of your own financial standing.

Then when the time comes that you DS needs help the money is there accordingly for YOU to make a balanced decision. You can see how your DD life pans out in the long run and decide one way or another if you want to help her out too.

This is a nice cautionary tale (albeit not entirely relevant) however people on MN will be offended by your assertion that this woman’s figure and social life were more important to her than having children. You have NO IDEA whether she tried for years, had losses, etc etc. Perhaps that’s why she’s so bitter and sad. Even if she just didn’t want children because she enjoyed her life, that is a completely valid decision and has no bearing on her morality!!

They made different financial choices to us and spent money on luxuries we went without. They wanted a bigger house so went to her parents and they obliged with a large sum of money. DHs parents ‘asked’ DH beforehand if he minded them giving most of his inheritance away now to help his sister. Of course he said yes to keep the peace, sister was ready to make an offer on a house, they’d already planned to give it to her.

DH is a very pragmatic person and gets why his parents did what they did. We have discussed it many times and he has tried to rationalise it; we weren’t ever expecting to inherit from anyone, we have everything we need, his sister has always ‘needed more help’, he’s more independent, etc. But DH still feels really shit about it, like she’s the favourite, he is less of a concern to them, his needs are unimportant, they don’t really like him.

This is why I dislike the parable of the Prodigal Son. This can often happen in families - people who ask are given, and those who just get on with things are overlooked.

It sounds like your DH is a coper @Goatinthegarden and his parents take that for granted. Really sorry to read his story - will he ever say anything to his parents now it's done & dusted?

Irrespective of inheritance, it's not common for siblings to have identical lives or financial parity once they grow up.

What it really all boils down to is that you as a family clearly care about eachother a lot and see eachother as a whole unit or even tight community who need to work together and prop up member who falls down. That is nothing but highly commendable and honestly enviable for many people. The discussion of money has already started to complicate your family dynamics it seems, and no actions have even been made yet.
I would simplify this completely seeing as nothing can be predicted. For your mum’s Will, just put her mind at rest, leave at least half to you and be safe in the knowledge you will always be there financially for your brother, and you will section out finances accordingly to the needs of all family members with your own Will.