My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

Your DD could end up splitting from her partner. Everything should be equal or as your mum wishes.

I need to put the beer down, I thought you said unequal features.

Anything could happen. He might decide not to propose. He might decide not to go through with the wedding. Your DD might decide not to go through with the wedding.
If he's set to inherit that amount of money he might insist on a pre-nup.
They might get married and after a short time divorce and she might not come out of the divorce with a whole pile of money. He might die early on in the marriage and the will has been set up in such a way that the bulk of the money ends up going to other family members.
The "empire" might run in difficulties and end up bankrupt.

Just because her future looks rosy at the moment doesn't mean she is set up for life. I hope she does marry him and has a very happy marriage but unfortunately life doesn't always turn out like that.

I think you should treat both of your children equally in your will for now. If circumstance change over the years you can change your will at any point. For example, if she does end up inheriting millions from him in the event of his death, you could then change your will to leave it all to your son.
But for now, I'd keep them equal.

What your mother does is up to her.

The situation is she’s currently single.
There’s a lot that might change - they may marry, they may split up, he might die in a car crash next month, inheritance is never guaranteed or may be left in a way that isn’t easily accessible. I remember a case where man who had a second young child unbeknownst to his adult child, the adult child assumed he was inheriting the family farming business as ‘only’ child - he wasn’t it was to be sold and split between siblings.

Leave it equally.
You don't know what lies ahead.
Your multimillionaire dd can decide to pass on ££ if she does not need it.
But she might be divorced and penniless

I’d ask your mum to leave your share to your children equally. That way they both get a boost but there’s no resentment. It might be the difference your son needs to buy a home without causing problems with his sister!

Why?

There's a similar earnings/ savings/ futures discrepancy between myself and my brother's and sister. Any inheritance left to me by grandparents or parents will be a drop in the ocean compared to what we already have and what we'll inherit from DHs side, where as it will make an enormous difference to 3 of my 4 siblings. Wouldn't bother me at all if I was left nothing and they got it.

Maybe say if she'd like to help out, leaving some money to your DS or giving him some now, towards a deposit would hugely help out. And maybe to leave some tokens of love to your DD, such as jewellery or any item of furniture or art she has that DD has sentimental attachment to.

👏

We learned the hard way
never means test
we give to our DC equally

I would be OUTRAGED if I was your son and I knew that you were giving away half the inheritance that could have been passed on directly to me (because, seemingly, his sister and you don't need it).

I would also - delicately - point out to your son that decisions have consequences. He cannot help who he fancies or falls in love with, but he can try to think with a clear head. If a house and financial stability is very important to him then maybe he should try to find a partner who is better able to support him in those aims.

You’re getting way ahead of yourself OP. They’re not even engaged yet, let alone securely married!
inheritances should be equal, or you’ll make future relationships rocky however much you’ve convinced yourself it won’t.
what if your son wins the 170M euro millions this weekend? what if your daughter and potential sil have a child with disabilities that mean they both have to give up work? What if he doesn’t end up inheriting a penny? What if he drops dead at 30 and leaves your daughter with 3 kids? Far too many things that you have zero control over may happen in the next 10yrs let alone 30yrs.

Is she's asked I would tell her what you think, yes.

Financially, the worst thing that is going to happen to your daughter is a large divorce settlement.

It would not be reasonable of your daughter to resent her brother getting some financial help when she will get so much in life due to who she married.

You clearly love your dc and wider family - db and mother. However I think you should tread carefully …….

we have had years of a close family member (the eldest child) pleading poverty & as a result getting significant sums of money from people only to remain heavily in debt but taking holidays at every opportunity saying it’s needed for Mh / significant birthday etc etc whilst the people who were the “financial rescuers” planned, saved and made wise financial choices for themselves and their lifestyles.

if you or your dm have money you want to pass to your children do it fairly - even if the financially wealthier one alludes to being okay with an unfair split. It actually festers subconscious resentment.

It isn't nasty or twisted. It's blunt, yes. But there's truth in it, like it or not.
You don't like it because it's close to the bone.

Just to point out, that I will take nothing from my parents when they die ( not a big inheritance but still some money) even though I could really do with it, as I can see my brother needs it even more. And we are not even close as siblings.

Not all siblings see their relationship entirely in terms of grabbing as much money from relatives as they can. Some of us look in more detail at what is fair

It really isn’t. You’re relying on someone else bankrolling her and choosing to bankroll your son to your daughter’s detriment. I suspect she would find it unforgivable if you go through with this and in the future she finds out you favoured her brother. Because that’s what you’re doing even if you don’t want to admit it.

I would be VERY careful about this. Your dd might get engaged to someone coming from a rich family, does not mean she will see a penny of it. I know from seeing this that some rich families hold on to their money very tightly. Therefore, I would get your share of inheritance and wait on it. See if you need to split it between your kids or if you give it to your son.

OP so lovely to hear that you were happy for your brother to get the inheritance from your mother. Too many times I hear about siblings fighting over money.

Thats the reason I would say (like many previous posters) that if you take inheritance money then split it equally. Money always causes resentment and you can’t guarantee problems arising down the line.

Unfortunately I have seen a scenario where the partner stirring the pot and it’s caused a breakdown in relationship with the siblings.

As someone left out of a will because of the circumstances of another and the assumption you will get their money - it hurts and it’s shit no matter which way you want to spin it op! And sometimes it doesn’t come true.

I'm the daughter in this situation, although I didn't marry into money but I have a nice life with my DH amd DC through hard work, nice home, foreign holidays, private dental/healthcare, savings,ect. My brother made different choices, poor choices, 3 children, debt, low paying jobs, claims poverty, ect. My parents always supply him with money, ect. They believe it's not fair I have a better lifestyle although my DH and I bothe work FT in stressful jobs and spend a fortune on childcare..
I'm basically penalised for making better choices and working hard 🙄

My husband has a sibling who has always had better, more well paid jobs and met a man with a fairly wealthy family. Their parent split their will equally despite all this. Years down the line our jobs have remained steady and we’ve slowly built up our savings. His siblings partner has unfortunately had ill health, they’ve had more children than us and have medical needs they need to pay for to get enough support.

No one can predict how things will turn out for anyone.

I'm the wealthier sibling in my family. Just before he died, my DF wrote his will gifting his and my DM's house to my sibling and there is no way my DM will go against his wishes. It hurts like hell. But more than that, it taints memories. I couldn't really give a shiny shit about my family now. And I hate that I feel like that. But it's how I feel. It's not the money, in fact it's not actually about the money at all. It's not dissimilar to finding out your partner has been having an affair. The life you've been living isn't the life you've been living, iyswim. You've been bowling along thinking one thing, but you've not seen it clearly and it's been very different all along. That's what hurts and it cuts like a knife. It's like betrayal and that is very hard to get over. If siblings have very different wealth, it ought still be up to them to sort out an equitable deal, not the generation above to try and level things up a bit.

Be careful on that front.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have completely separate finances. I don't even know what he earns. We're both equally happy with it like this.

But your daughter might well need her own money one day. And with family businesses and assets she may end up asset rich but cash poor.

Either way, unequal inheritances generally go very badly wrong and people are hurt.

You may say money doesn't equal love, but I can't imagine your DD will be happy.

I disagree with leaving unequal amounts of inheritance based on kids current financial status (unless one child has a disability that means they will require life long care)

I generally think inheritance should be equal.

If one sibling thinks they want to "help out" a less financially secure sibling, then they can make the decision and choose to do that