I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Don't tell her any of your plans.

Grey rock like the greyest rock in the UK.

If she does find out, tell her no and watch the blast from a distance.

I can’t understand why you have any interaction with her
let alone holidays together

How would she be going solo on a group holiday?

You have young children and you expose them to someone like this?

FOG is a common affliction to children with narcissistic or BPD parents. Sorry OP it sounds very hard.

You just have to start working in your boundaries and attuning to the fact that no one will die if you tell her no, she can’t come - the sky won’t fall in, chaos will not engulf you. Everyone will be alright and she will have to find a way to sit with her own deregulated emotions.

Don't rob your children, or yourself, of happy holidays by cow towing to someone you know is a nightmare, and unreasonable.

she has started saying “can I come?”

Just reply
Not this time mum.
I’m afraid not.
No, but you can come when we go on x date

You have to put your DC first and put your foot down. Your DP must be a saint!

Do you have a partner op?

"can I come?"
"No Mum, it's just the 4 of us this time"

Why on earth are you telling her your holiday plans? We never told our parents about our plans until about a week before; not because they might want to come, but it never really occurred to us.

She is absolutely against the idea :( I wish she had a travelling companion or something.

if you can’t put yourself first then put your children first. I would have very limited contact with her and definitely don’t tell her about any holidays you are planning.

Not this time mum, why don't you look into some holidays designed for solo travellers?

Yes a husband

This

Don't tell her. It's not a holiday for you if she spoils it for you all
It's very kind to take her on short breaks as it is. I speak as a disabled Mum of 3 adult sons and one DIL.
I went to Florence with DS and DiL and made sure they didn't change their plans to accommodate me.
I would for example sit with a coffee and people watch( which I love)

Fear and guilt plus teaching your children to give in to abusive behaviour.

Put your children first and say no ever time.

And he doesn’t get any say on those who join the family holiday?!

I imagine you had a pretty appalling childhood with someone like this as a mother op ?

Absolutely!

Be clear, set boundaries, add in ‘we need some family time’ and plan maybe a weekend break just you and her to detract.

I just don't entertain joint holidays at all.

We do have conversations outside of holiday planning though too. Just to reiterate the message. ‘Isnt it wonderful that you and DF had such a lot of great holidays together before you he was too infirm to go, DH and I need to follow in your footsteps and do the same’.

You need to get into some therapy work to help you deal with this.
I must say that I would not be impressed at all if my spouse wouldn't deal with their parent and put a stop to this.

Good Lord, unless you're completely enmeshed stop telling her where you are going. Don't put things on social media. Go away and relax and keep shtum. If you cannot do this for a week, I'd wonder how much you are seeing her and be trying to cut it back a bit, as it feels like co-dependence.

I’m not sure where you got the idea he doesn’t get any say. The 2 occasions she has come along he has agreed to inviting her because it is a kind thing to do.

Your husband must be a saint! I'm surprised he hasn't put his foot down!

Just stop telling her your plans. Surely that's easy? Don't even tell the dc if you fear they'll blab. Tell her when you get back it was a last minute surprise for the dc /dh..u adult dd has had 2 recent trips away and was vague.. Not to be secretive but because she has her own life and I don't intrude...

Seriously just don't tell her of your plans and then go away.