I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Yes, this xx

It is good advice to go NC but some peoples parents are so toxic and don’t respond well to boundaries and up the ante about 10x when they’re losing control. Sometimes it’s way easier to go low contact than have to deal with someone who’ll just end up stalking and harassing you (don’t expect any help from the police with this kind of person)

Many posters have suggested you make a decision to book a holiday and you just go on it, maybe do not even tell her you have gone. Grey rock, thick skin and ignore her.

sounds hard to do and you have to be determined but this is what it will take to protect your family and wellbeing. I know, I have been there. Good luck.

I'm sorry you can't understand it, but not sorry enough to bother explaining.

I don't think being secretive will work long term. Better to be honest and explain that having her with you changes the holiday to the detriment of yourselves and, more importantly, the children. You can give examples. You could offer to go away with her separately for the occasional weekend. She'll kick off massively, maybe even subtly threaten suicide, but you need to protect your family from her. You actually have nothing to lose.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. If your mother is the narcissistic type then she will continue to try to barge her way in. How you deal with her really depends on your tolerance for discomfort. "No" is a complete sentence, but many of them kick off at being told "no". In your position I would avoid mentioning holidays. If she asks what your plans are, say you're not quite sure. If she starts trying to make plans, claim some issue at work so you can't settle on dates. Then give her as little notice as possible of a holiday you may have booked months ago and tell her it was a last minute deal if you can't face telling her the truth and saying she can't come.

I would not personally advise calling her out on her behaviour on prior holidays because that is unlikely to go well. I would also not advise telling her that she would not like whatever you have in mind because in my experience they use every excuse in the book to persuade you they will like it, and then play up anyway.

“essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.”

OP, you shouldn’t be overwhelmed with guilt and fear at the prospect of telling your mother you want to go it alone. I presume you had family holidays without your DGPs when you were young - so remind her of this. You’re being very fair as a DD: you’re not trying to ban her altogether, just saying that you need some family time for YOUR family. Do you have any siblings? If so, would they say something for you if you can’t? The situation is just not fair: she can’t ruin your every family holiday, nor is it reasonable to expect to be taken along every time. Perhaps book up a long weekend with her, then talk about that a lot so that you don’t have to talk about your own family holiday that she won’t find out about until much later - too late for her to do anything about coming with you. It’s possible she is frightened that she will never go on holiday again - you need to tell her that you’re happy for her to come with you sometimes, but not all the time!

Before we had children, me and my DH and I went away to my cousins wedding, and we shared an apartment with my brother, his GF, my mum, and stepdad in Europe.
Oh my God, it was HELL. 😫 pure HELL.
But it was the best thing to happen.
Because fast forward to when we had our son and both my bro and mum were trying to piggy back on our small family holiday (just us 3 of me, my DH and son) and it was a FIRM NO!
They tried to organise a caravan holiday... NO.
Invited us to a villa somewhere in the med ... NO.
My hubby put his foot down and said, after your cousins wedding, we are never going away with extended family again, as the adults behaved appallingly.
I agreed.
Despite me feeling guilty, I agreed.
And if they had a problem, then they can speak to my husband. Who will quite happily confirm the NO.
NO is a complete sentence.
No, thank you 😇

Yeah but most people are so it's a bit strange.

Why in the name of all that is holy would your brother be trying to come on holiday with you and your husband and your children? Is he, you know, not right?

I think it would be fine to say “Spain showed me that we’re not compatible on holidays.”

This in a nutshell.

You said that your DH goes along with it because "its the kind thing to do"

Sorry. But it is not kind to you, your DH or your children. You are NOT being unkind to anyone by putting your small family unit first - You are doing the right thing for your DC. You have to be the advocate for your DC, and resist the urge to people please when doing so affects them... this is what gives you the authority to say no on their behalf - if you feel guilty about saying on your own.

Holidays with your children as so precious.. you don't get many of them before they all start heading off in different directions. You have to grab it with both hands.

It's a time when you can truly all relax and decompress with each other and just enjoy each other - from your description you simply cannot do that with your mother along making demands all the time and making the holiday all about her. Don't let her ruin this for you. Also. when you think how much holidays cost these days.. .why would you want someone along who is going to make you stressed and feel like you are still working.

You said you don't mind doing short breaks with her. Do that instead. That is kinder to everyone, including her too.

The crux of the problem is this:
"any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” "

She's got you in mentionitis mode. She's too emeshed in your lives and you are not able to bypass intrusive questioning which reveal what your plans are so that it is much much harder to say no when she demands something.

STOP TELLING HER SO MUCH. I know this is hard to do but think of some evasive strategies. and when they don't work (as she is good at this) you will have to think of some firm, no justification statements telling her no. And stick to them. It's hard.. but remember you are not speaking just for yourself you are speaking for your own family unit. This is your time. Not hers.
If you are planning a short break with her you can keep diverting back to that. Best of luck x

The problem is those that haven’t had a parent with this personality don’t understand how it is built into you to people please. My Mum was awful to me growing up but even now I worry about the repercussions of pissing her off, even though I live in my own house miles away from her.

You need to think of it as any other abusive relationship, you either go along with it or you be brave and then shut down the comments after. My Mum complained we didn’t invite her for Christmas and tried to guilt me that she was alone, me and DP both responded well you didn’t enjoy it last year so we’ve left you free to make other plans. Mentally prepare a few statements you can shut her down with that are not apologies or putting yourself down.

Yeah, f**k 'er, she is only your mother, fgs!

Speaking from experience, she would then be within her rights to say “No, don’t worry, I’d still rather go on holiday with you”

Better to be honest and be clear that you have already made the decision, otherwise you are giving mixed messages.

You need to post for support on the Relationships board rather than AIBU. You are clearly in the thick of FOG which has been mentioned upthread. I would suggest you google Fear Obligation Guilt and how to extract yourself from it.

Your children deserve a holiday which is just them and their parents.

Absolutely this. We have been on holiday with friends many times, yet we have never been on holiday with my DH's best friend. This is because his children have no bedtime and he himself is incapable of relaxing. He'd have everyone up and in the hire car at 7.30am ready for a whistle-stop tour of everything within a 50 mile radius. DH, DC and I prefer to lie by the pool and read, swim, and take our time exploring one area at a time by going out for a few hours every 2-3 days. Therefore, we are not compatible!

This. What a nasty pile on.

Could you have short breaks alone with her @Birdsongjacky? Some of my happiest memories are little trips I took with my mum, just the two of us.

I talk to my mum about our lives and plans. Why wouldn’t you? (Unless you have a nightmare mother like the op)

It wouldn't let me edit 🤣🤦‍♀️
This should of said mum and stepdad, then my bro, his gf and their 2 children 😆
I wasn't quick enough 😆

They all wanted a big extended family holiday, with all the children.
Hubby said they were awful at the European wedding holiday, and they haven't changed.
I agreed.
😆

Does your mother have BPD and has you a quivering wreck?

“Can I come?”
“Sorry, no. We’re having a kid focused holiday and won’t be leaving the complex”

Sorry to ask, but, does she visit your father regularly in the nursing home?
If so maybe say, we're going away just us (your little family), and then when we come back, you can always go away mum, and I will cover the nursing home visits whilst your away etc?
That way dad won't be alone all week.

Edited to say, hugs to you 🫂

Maybe OP’s mum would be better behaved if she’s not competing for attention all the time. Worth a try, surely?