I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

So to add to my worries I am now a terrible wife and mother exposing everyone else to abuse 😳🫣

thanks for all the supportive messages, I do think I need to just be brave with putting boundaries down and my family unit will always be my priority

Has it never occurred to you to tell her no, she can't come? What is her hold over you? Inheritance?

Don’t fret over this. People don’t understand unless they’ve lived with a parent like this 💐

Careful, you'll start to sound like your mother playing a victim, you don't want that.

My dm was fine about holidays, but eventually I did have the same “terrible guilt” about seeing her for evening meals/at weekends (she lived nearby and was on her own).

On one level she understood that I needed for my dh to be able to come home and not find her in our kitchen making dinner with me every day!

but at another level she just desperately wanted to spend time with us. Although she was immensely grateful and helpful which made me feel like even more of a heel to have to tell her we needed space.

If you can’t tell her, then find an excuse to let her down gently and then distract her with future plan j g - “dh suggested going here and this is going to be a very active kid-centric trip so I don’t think it would be a good one for you to join. Did you have any thoughts about a Uk city break - I was thinking Christmas market might be nice for us all this year?”

You really need to stand up to her, it'll be refreshing to tell her to get stuffed.
No.

This is exactly like my mum and my solution is to take her away for a few days just me and her.

She is too demanding for family holidays, we even brought her to Disney and she complained as we put her in the cheaper hotel beside ours (there was approx 1k difference in price due to single occupancy ) and insisted on staying up late to have drinks.

YANBU, OP, I would first of all stop telling her about your holiday plans. Secondly, when you do have to tell her you won’t be around, say you’ll be away with DH and the kids. If she asks to come, say sorry, we need some family time as we’re busy all year with work etc.

I’ve just been asked about holiday plans by family, all I’ve said is ‘no plans yet.’

Just say not this time but we can look at going away another time if you want

@Birdsongjacky I’ve had the same with my mother, I don’t mention our plans in advance and only mention them after the holiday.

Its your holiday too and sounds like she’s acting like a spoilt child.

Just don’t tell her your plans xx

I sympathise as that's what my DM would do. Last time we went on holiday with her was when DS was about 18 months and not very steady on his feet and she sat by (exactly as you describe your DM) and watched as he cracked his head on a step. Yes she was watching him... but you need to do more than watch!

We don't tell her where we are going on holiday until it's too late to book, and she's stopped asking. I don't think she wants to now (not only is she getting older and my DCs are more active while she gets less active, but also she doesn't get on with DS and doesn't shy away from letting us know).

OP the guilt you feel is nothing compared to the relief you will feel on holiday !

Deicide what you think is appropriate offer that. If she gets upset that is on her.

We take both our mothers away on holidays every year. My mum gets a 10 days as she is happy for people todo their own thing. She will join in with what she can but happy for people todo things without her. MIL gets a long weekend - because she prefers everyone todo everything together and the overlap between what she wants todo and what the DH/DC want todo is almost zero.

Whilst this might seem unfair - it is the best we can manage without people loosing it.

Decide what works for you and don’t worry about the fall out.

I agree with pps, you will have to find the strength to stand up to her and say no. I like the idea of saying to her "no to x (your family unit 2 weeker) but how about y (three nights in Devon)?" But yes absolutely so difficult to change the habits and conditioning of a lifetime. Just keep putting your DCs at the centre of your mind when you're telling her!
I would also be researching singles holidays and coach holidays for older folks (Just Go) in the hope that a few strategically placed brochures around the house when she pops round for a cuppa may tempt her to take a look!

Holidays are so expensive why would you willingly ruin it by having someone so horrible on them with you.

I am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her
This ⬆is the problem you need to address. The guilt and fear. It is making you less. You can be more, and claim what you are entitled to - which is space to live as an adult, independent of your parasitic mother.

I have a parent like this and they tend to get a lot worse if you try and go no contact. They don’t understand boundaries properly and once they know they’re losing control all hell breaks loose. It’s sometimes safer to be low contact.

You need to say no for your children’s sake if not for your own.

This will ruin any memories of family holidays for them and defeats the object of going.

Don’t tell her about the trips til the last minute and if she does find out and ask, you need to say “no, this is a trip just for the four of us”.

OP I’d never tell her when you’re going on holiday, don’t put it on social media etc.

Agree - it's a good one to use if you know that she didn't bring her own mum everywhere.

You don't have to be inflammatory, just say 'it's not really what most people do, you and dad didn't do it all the time did you?'

Whilst it'll be really uncomfortable to say, I'd go with

"Can I come"

"No. To be honest the last couple of times haven't really worked out and I just want it to be DH and kids"

Then when she asks why it didn't work out you get to have an honest conversation about how she makes you feel on holiday. Expect an argument, but don't be guilted in to backing down.

If her budget will allow it, get her to look at cruises. They are very solo traveller friendly, have a solo meet up, organise things for groups of solo travellers, of which there are always loads. You might still have to put her on and collect her from the ship but she could absolutely have a holiday as a solo.

Edited to say Sorry, I realised I didn’t answer your question, but if you can present her with an alternative, there’s really no need for her to come on your family holiday.

Why are you mentioning destinations in front of her when you know she is like this?! Stop doing that for starters. Decide with your husband where you want to go and book the holiday, and then you just tell her that’s what you’ve booked. She can’t tag along then.

If she suggests that she will still book herself on the same flights/hotel, etc, then you will need to put your foot down and say “that doesn’t work for us this time, I’m afraid.”

She sounds a total nightmare - don’t let her ruin your family holiday and time with your precious children. You have to be firm!

Do you have regular contact with her that she would generally know what you're up to? If not, don't tell her about your planned family holidays. Even if you are, keep your plans to yourself, she doesn't need to know. If she makes a fuss, be brave and tell her you want to have childrens holidays, relaxing and not rushing around. She'll have to accept that she can't always tag along.

Maybe then she'll consider doing her own thing.