I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

I am a single parent (4) now young adults I had similar with a sibling, always tagged along without being asked, and then got to do her own holidays too. I stopped mentioning the holidays until it was too late for them to make plans.
Now my kids and I have had a family holiday with partner in one case it is still one of my highlights 10 years later, and we are all doing it again next year and guess who has tagged along due to one of my kids actually inviting them!!

But you make no mention at all of him in your op

either way…. Op get therapy for what was and is remains an abusive relationship with A narcissistic BPD manipulative mother

Stop telling her your plans

reduce contact

and this person wouldn’t ever be allowed alone with my child. Or even likely around my child

I said I am married with kids and talk about my little family unit

In reality the kind thing would be to have explained to you how your abusive mother is not someone who should be joining family holidays and suggesting you get therapy in order to deal with the impact having this person as a mother has had on you

Op I meant no mention at all of his views on it

Just don't tell her until just before you go? Say it was a last minute booking.

Or if she asks to come along:
-Not this time, mum.
-We're going just the 4 of us this time.
-We're actually meeting up with some friends on this trip so we're keeping it just us.
-It's not really somewhere you'd enjoy, maybe next time.
-Not this trip, but I'll bring you back some local sweets.

Etc..

A kind thing to do?? She obviously doesn't give a duck what YOU want for your family unit and seems to take over. In the nicest way possible fuck being kind and say NO.
I would bet h only agrees to keep the peace and I guess in reality he isn't best happy about it and his mil being the 3rd wheel.

It’s not something I would do as the daughter or the parent!
You need to prioritise you and your families wants over your mothers. Her needs don’t trump yours.
I would be apprehensive about her reliance and demands on you as she ages. Maybe try and start backing away a little now.

Or

No mum, this is not going to happen ever again until you receive therapy what issues that have caused me a great deal of harm and stress, and only when I see a prolonged change - can we discuss you joining our family holidays

I think you and your DH have extended a kindness that your DM is taking advantage of.

If I could afford a short trip outwith my family holiday I would consider extending the invitation to your DM on that occasion but only with clear boundaries regarding what is suitable for the children. DH & I treat the family to a short break or long weekend away every year and the focus is solely on what suits the GC, we went to Centre Parc’s over Easter and spent the time swimming, pottery painting, attending baby sensory sessions and taking DGC to the park to let the DC and their partners go canoeing etc.

I agree, if I was in the OP's position I'd explain she's put a dampener on the last few trips when she gets grumpy or doesn't get her own way so she isn't invited this time. However the OP doesn't seem to want confrontation, hence my other suggestions.

"No we can have daytrips together", on repeat as needed. No further explanation required.
If she wrecks daytrips then reduce to visits to hers only.
If she wrecks visits to her then go to phone calls only.
She's an adult not a child, she had her childhood, you must prioritise your DCs.

Exactly this. Try not to discuss holidays in front of her, but when she finds out, use these line. Or as PP has said “it’s just the four of us this time”.

Bluntly put, your marriage and your children are more important than your mother’s feelings. Look at it this way - I’m sure you would die for your children, so putting yourself through the discomfort and guilt of having these conversations with your mother is a much lesser sacrifice to make for them.

As a former people pleaser I do get it. It's hard to say no, especially to someone who will likely guilt trip you for it.

But you really have to. I promise once you've said no once it gets easier and easier.

Information diet and say no. Tell her nothing about your holiday plans until days before you leave so she has no chance of guilting you into taking her. If she asks, just say "no mum, this is just for me, Husband and the Kids this time." And leave it at that, no apologies because you're not doing anything wrong and no further explanation.

Just don't tell her until a few days before you go.

Just have a conversation with her telling her what you've said here: we'd like to take a couple of short trips with you each year but we want to take longer trips without you because the children deserve our focus on holidays and we can't give them that when you're with us. Let us know which city breaks you're interested in, we'll look into them together. As for longer trips, why don't you start looking into guided tours/go with Auntie Maureen?

It was a kind thing to do but it needs to stop now. It doesn't sound as though your mum has ever been kind to you or your family. She put her own needs first on both holidays and seems to have no care or affection for your children.

Don't invite her again and if she asks to come, you need to be brave and tell her that she can't come.

I’d stop telling her till just before, tell a few days beforehand or be firm as above with the same statement - not this time, we are holidaying as a 4, no I need some time with my children and husband just us. Good luck!

I said YABU as I can’t understand why you are entertaining her coming on any holidays, sounds hard work for you and unfair on the rest of the family. But YABU not outright knocking it on the head

Op YANBU. Dont tell her til a few days before. Dont even give her the option to ask. You’ll blink and your kids will be older and not want to come on holiday with you. These years are so precious and holidays while they’re little will be the best memories-don’t ruin it!

Is she physically and mentally able to do things on her own? If she is, I'd only invite her along with the very clear expectation that she can travel along with you and share accommodations but she's on her own during the day unless she wants join whatever you have planned, and that includes changes of plans because small children may require that. You can offer to let her take a turn preparing dinner, if you're doing self-catering, or fend for herself.

If she can't or won't agree and follow through then I would say no when she asks to come. If you feel she needs an explanation, remind her that you've tried before and she didn't like the kind of family holiday that your household typically has so it's best for everyone to plan separate holidays as you're not compatible traveling partners right now. (That said, sometimes it's better just to say no and not explain). Up to you if you want to invite her on shorter trips - perhaps even just the two of you for a weekend - and/or help her find another option for a holiday. Given her personality and travel style, IF she is fit then she might really enjoy solo travel, where she can call all the shots?

It’s not a kind thing to invite your abusive mother on holiday (when he knows you’re a people pleaser) and expose your kids to the same abuse. If you’d been assaulted by someone, would you go on holiday with them? Your mum’s abuse is emotional but it’s the same thing. She may have given birth to you but you don’t owe her anything especially not if she affects your mental health. The privileges of parenthood can be taken away for bad parents. What do you think will happen to you if you don’t tell her your plans nor invite her and start taking distance?

Don’t tell her your holiday plans. Simple. If she asks, be vague, and then immediately prior to going you say you booked something last minute.

I feared this when my mum was widowed, but then I remembered not once did we take any grandparents on holidays when I was a child.

The excuse I had up my sleeve if she ever asked (she didn’t) was that we needed to reset as a couple/family. I think you just have to stand firm.

I think you need therapy. Also it’s not “kind” to expose your family to your mum just because you can’t enforce boundaries with her, and it’s not kind to ruin your familys’ trips because of this. It’s easy, it’s manipulative and it’s damaging, but not “the kind thing to do”.