I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Maybe, next time she asks if she can come you could say “but you don’t like how we spend our holidays.” Give her examples of how you have had to accommodate her and why it doesn’t suit your family. She can’t actually say that you all have to go along with what she wants whether you like it or not; nor can she deny that she prefers her way of doing things. It just makes it clear if she is going to have a happy holiday, she needs to make her own arrangements.

Holidays are nice but not essential. She will survive without one. If you don’t want to be that firm about it (and I know that might be difficult) maybe book a weekend with her once or twice a year. Leaving your children at home with their father might make it less stressful for you while you’re with her but missing them might be equally stressful

The OP says her mother has BPD
That is a diagnosis and would she. Come from a medical professional

No - she hasn’t got a diagnosis. OP has said mother is a difficult personality - ‘narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea’.

OP doesn’t like her mother - there could become an underlying MH issue or it could be personality clash. We don’t know.

Ultimately OP needs to simply say that no, Mum can’t come. As they say on MN, no is a complete sentence and no explanation is needed.

Growing up we had a family friend whose mother in law was like this and came on literally EVERY family holiday they ever had. Her son was an only child, she'd been widowed young and never let anyone forget it! The daughter in law had left her family behind in Canada to marry - even though they'd both have been happier staying there but this was never acknowledged. The MIL wouldn't even babysit for an evening on holiday 'in case anything happens in a foreign country, I won't know what to do'. The son in law died quite young and my mum's friend got dementia. Even then she'd tell me every time I saw her how she wished they'd had family holidays without her! Say no now.

So you’re saying the Op is throwing around “BPD” without actually any diagnosis?

I am surprised by how many posters have dismissed the OP’s own words about her mother and instead said it sounds a bit “tricky” but how about a weekend alone with her.

Because the issue appears to be the conflicting requirements of her mum and her children. Take that out of the equation and it could all be much better. Worth a try, surely?

Please do not allow this to happen,
prioritise your children and partner.
I had a lovely mum but she put demands on my time, like you I am a people pleaser.
There were days when I suited her shopping sprees and had to take packed lunches in the car so the kids were fed.
I have 3 amazing adult sons but they still remember being forced to go to grans for me to help with cleaning her house or shopping. I will always regret allowing that, so much so that I make their lives as easy as possible by spending precious fun time with my grandchildren and by allowing them to free time together.
We have built great memories of taking them all out together the places children enjoy while parents are working. Be strong you will regret it later if you don’t.

But don’t you see…. Any woman who behaves like this because she’s jealous of the time her adult daughter is dedicating to her children (her grandchildren for heavens sake!) - is deeply unpleasant and a weekend away one to one won’t change that.

Yes - she did NOT state that her mum was diagnosed! Read the post. She said ‘narcissistic/BPD/manipulative… not sure but you get the idea’. OP has labelled her.

Lots of people assign the label of BPD without any idea what it actually is! Have family members with it - it takes psychiatric assessment, management and medication. Same with NPD. Neither are terms you should just bandy around or you just call someone just because you find them difficult.

she is “not sure” whether her mother has BPD

ok I missed that

but I’m still inclined to believe the Op that she wasn’t exaggerating in her description of her mother

Indeed. I agree her mother sounds bloody awful. She needs to just tell her that No, she cannot come any more.

I completely understand how you feel and why, my mum is also very difficult and feels she has an absolute right to all information regarding my family. Trying to put in boundaries is incredibly difficult, she will lie and manipulate to get what she wants and it is exhausting!
The fear and guilt is so hard to explain to someone with a normal, healthy mum/daughter dynamic.
I now keep my mum at a distance and tell her as little as possible, I keep conversations at surface level only as otherwise things are stored up to use against me in the future.
I have a lot of anger towards my mum and the smear campaigns she has done against me when I displease her but I find it best to manage her rather than go completely no contact as the fall out would be too much for me. My mum feels no guilt about what she has said and done. She is the eternal victim. Therapy has helped me.
I would suggest trying to keep information to yourself and keeping her at a distance as best u can, sending so much love as I know how hard this is x

OP hasn’t mentioned jealousy. She says She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children).

But don’t you see…. A mother / grandmother behaving like this because her daughter has different ideas and priorities (her own children!!) is an indication of a fairly fundamentally unpleasant woman

I don’t always agree with my DDs ideas and priorities…. But my goodness I don’t behave like this and support them in their choices with no word of criticism or nastiness

Of course it isn’t. No adult is going to be happy with a completely child oriented holiday. A break without the kids has been suggested as a possible way of getting the relationship back on track but obviously MN loves conflict.

I PROMISE you that making my holidays completely child centred for my precious grandchild is something I’m more than happy to experience!!

Happy to eat when they went to eat, sit in and wait whilst they nap, go to child friendly restaurants, go to playground 2x a day… I could go on.

It is my joy

That’s you @Biropens. I absolutely wouldn’t do it. I had enough child centred holidays when mine was small, I’m not going back for another helping. Once was enough.

Indeed that’s me
but if I wasn’t happy about it, I would simply not go

I would not behave like this mother / grandmother

So you don’t ask to go
and / or don’t accept to join

what you don’t do is ask to join or accept the invite… and then behave like this

It sure does. I do hope the OP is doing the short break option and maintaining boundaries elsewhere

🙌 I’m one of those posters. The OP hasn’t said her mother has a diagnosis. She sounds self absorbed and difficult but that’s a long way from BPD and the OP describes the mother being selfish. That’s not necessarily a personality disorder.

I can see it’s difficult but I think you should just do it, book a holiday for the four of you and only tell her when it’s a fair accompli. Say you want a holiday on your own sometime and don’t apologise, don’t make excuses. It’s a perfectly reasonable ask and if she rants let her carry on like a toddler until she runs out of steam, which she will. See it as a social experiment to distance yourself from the drama. Don’t engage with any guilt tripping. She doesn’t have a right to intrude on all your precious time.

Just read your opening post and wow it brought back memories of my mother. The ‘she just waits expectantly and it gets my back up’ was me. Every. Single. Day. The dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t aspect to everything. Jealousy of people going away without her. God love her but it was so difficult to deal with constantly. She passed away a while ago now but my biggest regret was probably going along with it for so long in the futile hope that our relationship magically heal and she would find some contentment somehow. You have my sympathy 💐