I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Sending you a big hug op. Please know that you’re not alone with dealing with situations like this. There are lots of us with similar parents like yours.

I hope you can work something out by setting some boundaries in place with your Mum. It’s going to feel absolutely awful because you’ve been conditioned your whole life to make her happy and serve her. I hope you find some peace and confidence in yourself to know that this is not how things should be.

This ^

I'm 66 and go on Fred Olsen cruises. They're very good at arranging solo traveller meetups on their ships. Maybe she'd like that.

Yes difficult. We get moods and sulks yearly. 80s. Sister said their break is their own time. My mother is difficult so no. Unfort she is listening to "amazing family taking their mam away" (her friend) we try ignore digs. I dont do it as u set holidays in stone yearly. Wants things her way so no

Oooh, can I ask where you'd recommend?

Er, where would she like to go? The itinerary is the most important thing, for me, on any cruise.

I like to sail from England, rather than fly, so I generally leave from Southampton. Other UK ports are available. If it's her first cruise, pick a short trip to see if she likes it. I've enjoyed the Norwegian fjords, Rotterdam, St Malo, Rouen, Zeebrugge, Amsterdam...

No, they will regret OP letting a bad person intrude on their lives. If I thought my mother or anyone had a personality disorder or was a narcissist, I certainly wouldn't let them be around my children or husband! Not only because she's toxic but also because that's setting the example of allowing shit people to intrude where they're not welcome.

So let's learn to not assume, shall we? xo

Or it could just have been the OP's way of describing her mother as insufferable and demanding, who wants everything her own way, and makes everyone's life a misery when she doesn't get it.

Yep, cut my mum out of mine& my kids lives for the same reason

@BIossomtoes and so would you invite yourself to… any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come? knowing that your daughter has two young children and that she and her husband enjoy a child centric family holiday?

and if you then attended despite knowing you didn’t like child centric holidays “essentially ruin” it for your daughter by being “very demanding” and then cross and grumpy when the holiday turned out to be exactly to what it was going to be… a child focused family holiday?

I think if an op describes her mother has “narcissistic, BPD and manipulative”, we should respect that and not seek to diminish what’s she’s saying by diluting it to actually “she sounds a bit tricky”

Absolutely, otherwise you end up offering advice on the wrong problem

Honestly keep your plans to yourself, don’t tell her. Just go on holiday and deal with it afterwards. Turn your phone off, you don’t need hassle on holiday.

It's also not "kind" to tell people on the basis of a few sentences on a MN forum, that they need therapy!

My god there are some sh*tty comments on here!
The usual nasty little buggers waiting in the wings to take centre stage with their comments like ‘you need therapy’ or making amateur diagnoses of people’s mental health, or suggestions of cruelty to children.
I know it’s a common aspect of anonymous social media but sometimes I just have to say it.
But we can still be grateful for the thoughtful, helpful responses.

What a great holiday you gave your kids..they'll remember holidays like this forever.
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