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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

390 replies

Birdsongjacky · 28/05/2025 14:03

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

OP posts:
Ginnnny · 28/05/2025 15:13

She sounds like my inlaws. trick is not to mention it until it's too late for her to ask to come, or for her to book herself to join!

AthWat · 28/05/2025 15:13

It never ceases to amaze me how many people are willing to ruin their lives and their children's childhoods for the sake of people who have already had theirs.

Delphigirl · 28/05/2025 15:15

“No”

Powderblue1 · 28/05/2025 15:17

My DM is lovely but is very self centred and doesn’t take any interest in my DC. We were lucky enough to go on a holiday of a lifetime 2 years ago to Lapland and my DM immediately asked to come along. It took a while for me to consider my response but I was very honest and said that you have no interest in the DC and I don’t want to share a once in a lifetime holiday with them and you. Basically, you can’t just show up for the good stuff and not even ask about them for months at a time. She was upset but it opened wider conversation about what I needed from her e.g more interest in the DC. It lasted a couple of weeks and has fallen off again but she hasn’t asked to come on holiday again 😂

Could you be honest?

knittasgonna · 28/05/2025 15:18

If you need to bolster up your self-confidence, here's another YANBU. It won't be easy, because she doesn't mind making things awkward for you, but the only way to get what you want is to tell her some variation of 'no, not this time'. I imagine it will become easier with time, once you've learned that it's possible.

YANBU to want holidays without anyone but your husband and children. In fact, given the stress she brings, it's not a real holiday for you if she's there. She's part of what you need a holiday away from. I probably wouldn't tell her that, but it's okay to say that your family needs some time alone with just yourselves.

And yes, if you can just not mention an upcoming holiday until it's too late for her to join (if at all), I'd consider doing that.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/05/2025 15:21

The whole point of your holiday is to relax, spend time with your family and enjoy yourself. If you are not doing that, then why go on holiday at all?

Just book your holiday without her and don't tell her. What's the worst that can happen.

MyDeftDuck · 28/05/2025 15:23

Just stop sharing your holiday plans……it really is that easy. Additionally, you could get some coach holiday brochures locally and give her those …..she will meet friends and have a great time.

Sealedup · 28/05/2025 15:24

Birdsongjacky · 28/05/2025 14:49

So to add to my worries I am now a terrible wife and mother exposing everyone else to abuse 😳🫣

thanks for all the supportive messages, I do think I need to just be brave with putting boundaries down and my family unit will always be my priority

No idea whether you’re a terrible mother and wife OP

but on the basis of this thread, you are exposing your young children to someone who most definitely is a terrible mother

F1LandoFan · 28/05/2025 15:24

Ahh I’m sorry you’ve had some not very kind responses. I would have the same struggle as you. I would want to invite her to be kind, you obviously love her and don’t want her to be hurt by leaving her out, I would be exactly the same. Some suggestions -

you could say your husband is booking a holiday this year as a surprise for the four of you?

you could say we’re going on holiday just the four of this year but maybe the two of us could go away for a weekend

you could float the idea of a saga holiday for her and maybe drop in to the conversation that she can’t come on holiday with you every time so maybe the two of you could do some research into holidays for her

lots of love xx

Sealedup · 28/05/2025 15:25

AthWat · 28/05/2025 15:13

It never ceases to amaze me how many people are willing to ruin their lives and their children's childhoods for the sake of people who have already had theirs.

Read this a few times but still makes squat all sense to me In Respect to this thread

Cakeandusername · 28/05/2025 15:25

Just book for 4 and don’t tell her until just before. You are entitled to a family holiday.
If she wants to holiday point her in direction of coach trips, full of single older ladies, my mum loves them.

DazedAndConfused321 · 28/05/2025 15:26

Your poor partner and children, they will remember all of this!

F1LandoFan · 28/05/2025 15:27

I’m not really seeing where everyone is getting that OP’s mother is ‘abusive’ or a ‘terrible mother’, the OP hasn’t said that herself. She has said she’s ’difficult’ but she could have also been a lovely mum at times too. People are acting like she should cut her off entirely!

BrummieGinge889 · 28/05/2025 15:28

You grow up, put your children and your husband first and say "no mum, sorry but we are going just the 4 of us". She'll be upset but that is on her.

Freebreak · 28/05/2025 15:29

AthWat · 28/05/2025 15:13

It never ceases to amaze me how many people are willing to ruin their lives and their children's childhoods for the sake of people who have already had theirs.

And why would we want to go away with our adult DC’s either.

Can't think of anything worse. I want to enjoy my holiday too. Family hotels, kids at breakfast, noisy play areas or conversely with my younger adult DC’s foam parties and unlimited cocktails ( then again…😆).

It is so rude to suggest joining anyone else on their holiday.

F1LandoFan · 28/05/2025 15:30

DazedAndConfused321 · 28/05/2025 15:26

Your poor partner and children, they will remember all of this!

A bit of an exaggeration?! They’ll remember a bad day on holiday?! Oh the poor darlings.

You’re acting like the OP is letting her mother beat her husband and children. Let’s put it into perspective shall we.

thismummydrinksgin · 28/05/2025 15:34

Oh mom guess what darling husband has booked me a surprise holiday - we go tomorrow. Plan some low key, short, low demand trips she can go on. But also keep some a secret and last minute bookings etc. hard I know but necessary.

Fleek76 · 28/05/2025 15:34

Everyone who is saying don’t share any plans doesn’t know how emotionally manipulative this type of mother can be, and if OP is a people pleaser the ensuing conflict probably feels harder than taking her along. Really hard OP. You don’t want to have to blame DH when you also don’t want it. Maybe you should just really emphasise she wants different things from you guys in holidays? And take her like you say on a shorter break if that fits in? Start trying to label it as your ‘annual’ mum/OP trip?

ThatRoseBear · 28/05/2025 15:34

OP I really feel for you. I took my mom away with us last year. It was to see her side of the family abroad, I was going and mentioned it and she wanted to come alone as can't travel unaccompanied. She was really difficult while we were there and I think her family saw it firsthand. I took my kids to stay with my inlaws side of the family for the second week and it was an escape. My children said they won't travel with her again as she is too much hard work. They quite happily see her here but travel was a whole new level. I have told her outright that I am not travelling with her again. You will have to be really honest with her and tell her she is not invited. Good luck x

OhBow · 28/05/2025 15:36

OP are you able to see how unnatural it is that her happiness is more important to YOU than your own?

Imagine making your daughter feel this guilty and stifled - repellant isn't it?

I say this because I was you once, and getting perspective is key to escaping the fear, obligation and guilt.

Or you'll be stuck in this loop forever.

Arquebuse · 28/05/2025 15:36

yeesh · 28/05/2025 14:09

if you can’t put yourself first then put your children first. I would have very limited contact with her and definitely don’t tell her about any holidays you are planning.

Exactly. My people-pleasing mother put her own mother before her children for our entire childhood. She was a vicious, unpleasant woman, and made our lives quietly hellish (she lived with us for long periods, too.) What it taught us was that we four were less important to our mother than a woman who was so vitriolically unpleasant that she hadn’t a friend in the world, but to whom my mother was incapable of saying no.

This is an ingrained bad habit you need to unlearn, OP. I get that it’s not easy, but I was brought up to people-please and stopped.

Arquebuse · 28/05/2025 15:36

OhBow · 28/05/2025 15:36

OP are you able to see how unnatural it is that her happiness is more important to YOU than your own?

Imagine making your daughter feel this guilty and stifled - repellant isn't it?

I say this because I was you once, and getting perspective is key to escaping the fear, obligation and guilt.

Or you'll be stuck in this loop forever.

Good post.

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 28/05/2025 15:36

Spell it out for her: you ruined it last time, remember when you went mad at me because we wanted to go back to the accommodation? So WE have decided it will only be us next time.

Mymanyellow · 28/05/2025 15:37

I’m going to get t shirts printed with just the word NO on them. I’d fucking clean up.

MelliC · 28/05/2025 15:37

Just book your holiday and don't tell her til it's too late. I would just say to her I didn't invite you because we're incompatible on holiday. None of us want to spend time sightseeing and being out and about, whereas you do. We need to relax and be by the pool with the kids, whereas you find that a waste of time.
Push her in the direction of some of the solo hols which are much more about touring. My Mother in Law used to enjoy Just You holidays. She went to Japan, Brazil and New Zealand. Loved it all.