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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Child-free’ wedding

337 replies

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:49

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

OP posts:
Mightyhike · 28/05/2025 12:51

This is tricky OP. I have no problem with child free weddings (in fact I had one myself) but if you have very close family members like a nephew then I do think an exception can be made.

Vroooooom · 28/05/2025 12:52

Well your fiancé gets a say, it’s his brother after all and he really wants him there. I think in this case it’s fine. He’s family, your bridesmaids aren’t and will be too busy to watch their kids.

Original poster
BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:53

To clarify, my fiancé doesn’t really want him there either. His brother is best man so will also be busy!

OP posts:
Disco2022 · 28/05/2025 12:55

I think child free weddings are rubbish, it's a family event some of my favourite memories as a child are at family weddings, and I loved all the children dancing and playing at mine, they really upped the vibe!
Just let children come and I'm sure you won't notice on the day because you'll just be all happy with getting married.

S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 12:56

I think the real issue is your DF making this decision without consulting you and now throwing you under the bus regarding retracting the child's invite.
Your DF should go back to his brother, reiterate the wedding is child free with no exceptions and take responsibility for that.
If his nephew attends the wedding be prepared for some comments from parents who organised and paid for childcare to respect your wishes.

NancyGreens · 28/05/2025 12:57

You should totally put your foot down HARD and specify exactly why (10yo is a pain in the arse)....<grabs popcorn>

Seriously, don't do this^^! You're marrying into this family and there will be times you may need to assert boundaries. I don't honestly think this is one of those times, but I had loads of kids at my wedding despite not having any myself at the time.

WhereIsMyLight · 28/05/2025 12:57

In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time!

Seems like they only told you this because you’ve also said:

I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare.

It is pretty normal to have an exception for close family to childfree weddings. You don’t need to allow your bridesmaids to have their kids now because they aren’t family.

You’re perfectly entitled to have a childfree wedding. Your guests are perfectly entitled to decide not to attend the wedding. If those guests are important to you and you want them there (like a sibling), then you accommodate them. If you stick to childfree and exclude your nephew, it will drive a wedge between your finance and his brother so I think it’s his call.

ETA - after seeing your update, the brother is best man, so obviously him and your fiancé are close. It’s odd that your fiancé has his brother as best man but neither of you are particularly interested in his son, your nephew and you refer to him as ‘this child’.

Needspaceforlego · 28/05/2025 12:58

I think excluding neices and nephews is a bit too far.
These kids will be calling you Auntie / Uncle and will probably be part of your lives forever.
Friends kids might drift away but Neices and Nephews will be the folk who turn up at your funeral to support their cousins ie your kids.

yeesh · 28/05/2025 12:58

It’s his nephew not a random child.

TipsyRaven247 · 28/05/2025 12:59

What exactly did you expect to happen? If you tell someone they can't bring their children you are forcing them to make a choice between:

  • Get childcare sorted (expensive and unfeasible in many circumstances)
  • One or two of the members of the couple can't attend

Well, there you go. Your brother in law is upset because you are making his wife to stay at home with their children. Well done you.

Also, you seem extremely judgemental to call a 10 year old a pain in the arse. Get off your high horse, princess.

ThejoyofNC · 28/05/2025 13:00

It's either child free or it's not. I'd be really pissed off if I was bridesmaid and didn't bring mine just to find out the grooms party had different rules.

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2025 13:00

Why the hell did your fiance invite him? He needs to message back immediately and say sorry no can do, he said yes under pressure but on reflection realises it takes the piss out of everyone who arranged childcare plus it was always going to be a child free wedding.

Is your fiance scared of his brother?

MrsEmmelineLucas · 28/05/2025 13:00

Needspaceforlego · 28/05/2025 12:58

I think excluding neices and nephews is a bit too far.
These kids will be calling you Auntie / Uncle and will probably be part of your lives forever.
Friends kids might drift away but Neices and Nephews will be the folk who turn up at your funeral to support their cousins ie your kids.

I agree. It seems very unfair to exclude close family.
Your choice though.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2025 13:01

TipsyRaven247 · 28/05/2025 12:59

What exactly did you expect to happen? If you tell someone they can't bring their children you are forcing them to make a choice between:

  • Get childcare sorted (expensive and unfeasible in many circumstances)
  • One or two of the members of the couple can't attend

Well, there you go. Your brother in law is upset because you are making his wife to stay at home with their children. Well done you.

Also, you seem extremely judgemental to call a 10 year old a pain in the arse. Get off your high horse, princess.

Edited

It's her wedding she can choose to have a child free wedding.

Her husband has made the issue worse by backtracking.

A 10 year old can indeed be a PITA.

No need to be snippy to the OP.

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2025 13:02

TipsyRaven247 · 28/05/2025 12:59

What exactly did you expect to happen? If you tell someone they can't bring their children you are forcing them to make a choice between:

  • Get childcare sorted (expensive and unfeasible in many circumstances)
  • One or two of the members of the couple can't attend

Well, there you go. Your brother in law is upset because you are making his wife to stay at home with their children. Well done you.

Also, you seem extremely judgemental to call a 10 year old a pain in the arse. Get off your high horse, princess.

Edited

How is that judgemental? Some 10yr olds can be almighty pains in the arse!

TheignT · 28/05/2025 13:03

So everyone either doesn't have kids or looking forward to having a relaxing day without them but your bridesmaids would have loved their kids to be there. That doesn't seem to add up.

Pinty · 28/05/2025 13:03

I am biased because I hate child free weddings.
But normally even child free weddings would include the Grooms nephew.
Of course it's up to you it's your party and you can invite who you want. But I am not surprised your fiance's brother and his wife are upset.

MrsEmmelineLucas · 28/05/2025 13:03

Are you worried about the photos? In my experience the children aren't bothered about not featuring, unless they're bridesmaids.

RobinHeartella · 28/05/2025 13:03

One day you might have kids and you'd be deeply hurt if close family members consider them "a pain in the arse". They (BIL, SIL, nephew, etc) might be the people you'll look to babysit your own kids one day. Don't burn those bridges.

Besides, if playing quietly on his Nintendo is his main crime, he doesn't sound like much of a pain? What do you expect of a 10yo boy, to make never-ending polite small talk with his aunt-to-be? Do you remember being 10?

TipsyRaven247 · 28/05/2025 13:07

Also, you're contradicting yourself. Initially, you said most of your social circle preferred a child-free event, but later acknowledged that your bridesmaids would have loved to include their children. So, which one is it?
This is what happens with you open the pandora box of childless weddings.

Lmnop22 · 28/05/2025 13:08

It is just really really sad to read that your DF has his brother as his best man and you and him clearly openly dislike his son and call him a pain in the arse, justified solely by your perception that he enjoys his games console!

You may not have much in common with a 10 year old boy and he may like playing his Nintendo when you’re around (because it doesn’t exactly sound like you’re nurturing or encouraging the relationship anyway) but that’s your DF’s nephew!! Not inviting very close family members simply because they’re children is cruel.

Child free weddings ought to mean that not every friend can bring all 3/4/5 of their kids to be loud and cause chaos. But surely it’s not so important for you for every single person under 18 to be excluded from the wedding that you’d actually not invite the boy who will become your nephew that day to celebrate your wedding?? He’s also 10, unlikely to be disruptive like a small baby so that isn’t a factor.

Also, for the record, it’s not that relaxing to find all day and night childcare to attend a wedding and then leave early so you can relieve the babysitter. That’s what people who aren’t parents perceive as relaxing.

FluffMagnet · 28/05/2025 13:09

You are marrying into this family. This boy is your nephew. Your wedding is one day. Do you really think you need to control this one day, and ensure all the wedding party are fawning over you rather than parenting their respective offspring is so important that you are willing to sacrifice years of hostility from your husband's family? You may find yourself without a best man in any case if you continue down this path.

Yes it is your day of celebration, but the idea is to celebrate WITH your guests, whom you should host with a generous spirit, rather than expect guests to be minor supporting players to your big moment. Do you want them to have enjoyable memories of your wedding, or be left stressed, broke and resentful? Kids are not toys that can be put away when not useful...

Needspaceforlego · 28/05/2025 13:10

Op what's your reason for child free?

Is it the vibe?
Is it too many kids?

We could have ended up with 36 kids at our wedding so ended up with close family kids only.

Duckduck2 · 28/05/2025 13:11

Your partner is obviously close to his brother for him to be best man yet you state you are not close to your nephew, you call him a pita to be around and he doesn’t engage with you…erm his a child. Of course he isn’t going to make conversation with grown adults and be more interested in gaming!
Feel sorry for this poor kid, a aunt and uncle who don’t bother with him, call him a pita on the internet and then don’t allow him to come to a family wedding where his own father has a part to play. If someone treated my child like that I definitely would be declining an invite to a wedding let alone being part of the wedding party.

Just to add, if a couple want a child free wedding then I am all for it it’s their day their choice, but all I can see from your post is hatred for a family child.

YetiRosetti · 28/05/2025 13:12

Disco2022 · 28/05/2025 12:55

I think child free weddings are rubbish, it's a family event some of my favourite memories as a child are at family weddings, and I loved all the children dancing and playing at mine, they really upped the vibe!
Just let children come and I'm sure you won't notice on the day because you'll just be all happy with getting married.

This is nonsense, I very much noticed the children at my wedding.

I generally think children and weddings are a bad mix but I think nieces and nephews ought to be an exception. You can make this exception without offending others whose children aren’t invited, as they are family.

if you and your fiancé both wanted to put your foot down and say no kids at all, I’d respect it is your choice but it’s your fiancé’s wedding too and he is clearly concerned about saying no to his brother. I think you need to let this one go.