‘Child-free’ wedding

[BeZanyUmberBird]

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

multiple people's little shits

Nice.
Thankfully, while my friends and family might have children who are difficult to manage at times, no one refers to them as little shits.

The boy isn’t your fiancées brother child….he is his nephew

I think taking a 10yo to a wedding is a totally different experience from taking a preschooler.

A 10 yo isn't in danger of just wandering off or crying in the middle of the service.

this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch.

Sounds quite normal for a 10 year old.

You need to tell DF to call his brother and tell him that there are no exceptions to your rule of no children because that wouldn't be fair to everyone else who have to make arrangements/staying at home with children. So sorry that his wife can't come but you look forward to see him at the wedding. The end.

Personally I love child free weddings! My oldest is SEN and impossible to find sitter for him so I get to stay at home and just send hubby. He loves parties as much as I hate them so it's win win😄

Often close family are excluded from the no children rule. But if he’s really a PITA then I understand why you wouldn’t want that exception. Could you compromise and say he can stay until 8pm or something, so at least it’s a child-free zone once the dancing starts?

Even if that is the case, it still doesn't mean he can make a decision about the wedding without discussing it with OP first and OP can't be just expected to go along with it 3+ months after thinking they had already agreed and other people going to effort to get childcare.

It sounds like DF does agree with OP but his brother has put the pressure on so he's made the decision without OP.

Really glad all of the weddings I've attended (including my own) were welcoming of children. Can't imagine how self centered you have to be, to exclude child family members from being part of a big momentus occasion for the whole family, just to what.. give you a better time? Keep the whole thing "perfect"? Or Instagram-able? Or make sure there is no noise? Or make sure 100% of the attention is on you, and not the kids?

I genuinely can't think of a non-selfish reason to do it..

But that makes sense because weddings are pretty much "me me me days" for a lot of young people. My only wedding, my only chance, the one day that is all about me.

There was some great data that came out a while back. Bigger attendance and cheaper costs for the wedding = lower the divorce rate. Makes sense to me. Starting a lifelong act of selflessness with either an inclusive family event or a me-festival, is a stark contrast.

Why? Unless the bridesmaid’s are OP’s sisters, their children are not close relatives of the bride or groom.

Invite the nephew, don’t invite the nephew - whichever. But I think you’d have to be unbelievably self absorbed to think that because the groom’s nephew got invited, your unrelated child should be invited too.

He’s not being invited because he’s a child of someone in the wedding party, he’s being invited because he’s a close relative.

We had a child free wedding but an exception was of course made for our immediately family (so nieces and nephew - our siblings kids). Not everyone has babysitters.

most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time!

The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited

I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their children there

The wedding party are unhappy by the policy. So the first sentence isnt accurate

If you don't think inviting one child is stupid, we're not going to see eye to eye.

A child isnt supposed to 'make an effort' with you. Its supposed to be the other way around. It doesn't reflect well on the adults in his life being described as PITA by close family.

Even at children free weddings it’s normal to include nieces and nephews .
Is he your only nephew?, if yes I’d say nothing to other guests/family and if questioned on the day (unlikely) just say yes we included our nephew only.
If you have other nieces and nephews you would have to invite them too to be fair.
I understand why your bil is miffed it’s pretty harsh not to include him.

We had a child free wedding as the wedding we planned was not child appropriate. It was an amazing day and I still have lovely memories even though it was 30 years ago

How dare the bride and groom want to have a day that gives them a better time and doesn't revolve around children.

Some events, including weddings, are adult events and that's absolutely fine.

I’ve been a bridesmaids at a childfree wedding where an exception was made for the couple’s nieces and nephews. In fact all the bridesmaids at that wedding had kids that weren’t invited. We were all fine with it because we understood nieces/nephews are different to children of friends and it’s much harder for people to sort childcare when their family is also at the wedding. So don’t worry about the bridesmaids! Tbh I doubt you’ll barely notice the 10YO on the day, they’re well beyond the age of causing a disruption and you'll be so busy. Since your fiancé has already said yes 🙄 I’d let that stand because otherwise you won’t come off well. Oh and it’s totally normal that a 10YO is more into playing on their Switch than chatting with their uncle and his girlfriend… not sure why that’s an issue unless he wouldn’t allow the adults any time alone and insisted you all play Mario Kart together.

I would put my foot down. My older sisters kids were at the wedding and climbed all over the organ in the church. No matter if one of us got them down and took them by the hand to sit down they would just run away and do it again.

At my big brother's wedding I was 9 months pregnant and asked to watch his 3 and 4 yr old. Thankfully they behaved at the actual wedding but during the photographs. I'm in none and the ones they are in you can see they aren't interested as they aren't smiling and look like try are about to bolt, they were and a photo lu husband caught is me walking back with a hand holding my bump up and you can tell I'm shouting at someone or that I'm angry. I ended up in hospital that night and I got moaned at that I made it all about me being pregnant and at the reception everyone was making sure I was ok. Them when the ambulance appeared again it was all about me.

So when I get married again because I'm older all my friends except 1 all their kids are older teenagers so they will be invited to the reception

In my opinion child free does not include nieces and nephews. I’m more suprised you’re surprised his brother is upset

I guess not.

The most recent wedding I was at, DH was the best man, our children weren’t invited - totally fine. The maid of honour was the bride’s sister, and her child (the bride’s nephew) was there. He was the only child there. It really didn’t occur to me that my children should therefore be invited because they are also children of someone in the wedding party.

I think it's a bold move to exclude your nephew from your wedding when his Dad is close enough to the Groom to be Best Man. You would be sending a clear message to your future BIL and SIL that you simply don't like their child and don't consider him part of your family. The argument that it's not fair on your bridesmaids doesn't really hold up since you've already said they're happy to leave their kids at home so they get to relax and enjoy the wedding child-free. Also, it's not unusual at all IME for a B&G to say no children apart from close family. No one would be shocked that an exception was made for your nephew.

Your DF has obviously decided that his relationship with his Brother is too important to risk by excluding his child. He should have discussed it with you, obviously, but he didn't so what are you proposing to do about it now? Do you want your DF to call his Brother and say "actually I've changed my mind again, your DS can't come after all?" If that's what you really want then you can push for that, but I think it will be very obvious that you've told him to make that call and it's likely to impact your relationship with your DF's family going forward. So it depends how much that matters to you I suppose.

I think all the nasty and comments about what a pain in the arse this child is and how everyone in the family agrees with you don't paint you in the best light to be honest.

You don't sound like a very nice couple or particularly family oriented. It is no badge of honor your df has no relationship with his nephew and it speaks volumes as to what values and morals the man you are marrying has. It may not interest you now because you are the one recieving the benefits of such a selfish man, but actually his attributes are not conjusive to happy lasting marriage. In years to come when you are complaining about how selfish your husband is, you can look back and know all the signs were there. The way a man treats any member of his own family is a good indication of what is in store for you in the future.

Thanks all - I’m tapping out now because we’ve drifted off the point now and it’s turned into a bashing of beliefs about family and need for an Instagram wedding. I’m nearly 40, over that. Just to set you all off…I’m having flower girls: they just happen to be 4 of my octogenarian great aunts!

this thread has just made me realise that whatever I do I’m going to annoy someone - I’d just rather it wasn’t me as I’m paying for the whole lot and (before you start bashing me) it won’t be my fiancé as I’m the breadwinner. And because that will set some of you off, we are entire 50:50 in decisions which is why this one has annoyed me so much. Not because he did it, but because he didn’t discuss with me first, like I would have done with him.

How strange that the OP is getting a total kicking here but in other threads where people ask 'AIBU to bring my child to a child free wedding/ask for my child to be invited' they're told very soundly that a child free wedding is exactly that, child free, so no, they can't ask/take the child.

Dancing and playing- yes. Tantrums and noise- no!