‘Child-free’ wedding

[BeZanyUmberBird]

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

The plot thickens.
You said ran so I am going to assume they don't anymore. If they do, you would do well to suck this up and let the child come or else a rift could develop between them and affect their business in the long run.
That would directly affect your livelihood. So be smart.

Unless part of the wedding is organized around the children (such as games or a playground being available), the children will be bored as hell. At the same time weddings are typically too long for young children. So you end up with tired, whiny and disruptive children. This alone is a good reason to keep a child-free wedding actually child-free.

This wedding is not organizing around children and this child being the only one will be worse, as he will not have any other children to occupy his time with, unless he'll just be on his Switch the whole day, which doesn't sound ideal either. At some point he will still get bored. His father is in the wedding party, so he will not be available to keep his son occupied either. Letting this child come to the wedding has got potential drama written all over.

The brother is out of order for threatening to pull out unless his son can come. He has known for three months this wedding is child-free. But the worst offender is the fiancé. His actions in all this are a string of red flags:

1. He gives into pressure
2. He makes decisions without discussing them with other people who will also be affected
3. He puts the blame for his unilateral decisions on others (in this case OP and the brother and his wife)
4. The in-laws (at least the brother and his wife) don't seem very respectful of other people's boundaries and OP's fiancé does seem to see a problem with this.
5. The Fiancé does not have OP's back

In OP's shoes, I would be having a long and hard conversation with her fiancé and depending on the outcome, I might just reconsider the wedding altogether.

The updates don’t make it any better. If you’ve been in this child’s life for 7 years, surely he’s family as family goes. I know some 10 year olds can be a pain but with all the history you have with him and your DH with his brother, you can see why you should invite him right ?

There are rude children the same way there are rude adults. We all have been in very similar situations, sharing a table with someone zany or outright obnoxious. In this case, it was a child. On other occasions, it will be an adult.
Are we going to stop inviting adults to weddings?

He decided a child free wedding wasn´t as important as his relationship with his brother. Perfectly reasonable.

With the exception of crying during the ceremony you could replace child with adult in your description and it would work the same.
Why are we pretending that its all cute little dance moves and giggles? I've been to weddings where adults talk through the ceremony (or worse cry) then dominate the topic of conversation and are then the centre of attention, surly adults who are clearly bored out of their minds, adults who are clearly overwhelmed and therefore upset all day.... can we stop this pretence that all adults add heaps of fun to weddings?
See?

Of course it wouldn't.

The vast majority of adults are socially aware enough to know not to talk through the ceremony, not be badly behaved if they are bored and most importantly to not scream/shriek/cry during the ceremony.

Some events are adult events for good reason including the fact that children get bored easily and change the vibe of an event which is not the vibe all bride & grooms want for their wedding which is perfectly valid.

Not to mention the fact how extra bored a 10 year old would be as the only child at a wedding.

This maybe cultural but I have never, ever, ever, never, not once been to a childfree wedding that excludes nieces and nephews of the bride and groom.

But this same issue is posted every two business days and I don’t get why.

It’s simple. You have the right to have the wedding of your choosing and your guests can choose not to attend.

@Disco2022if I had children at my wedding I would have had to cut out 30 actual friends for people I barely knew! I would have had to change the time and whole vibe. No thank you.
OP I had a childfree wedding, but had two young attendants. They walked down the aisle and stayed for photos, then their grandmother whisked them off (the parents were my friends). Worked out very well. Can something similar be done here? Have the boy be ring bearer, stay for photos then be picked up by a friend of his’ parents for the evening? Or if the mother insists she can at least enjoy the wedding and drinks then take him home before the dinner.
I do think childfree means no exceptions. And won’t the boy be bored rigid?

Very often it's friends and cousins weddings. And often people are told to speak to the couple explaining the issue with babysitters.

The BIL has done that spoken to the Groom who made the exception for his own nephew.
The Groom has decided his brother and DSIL are more important to him than a child free wedding.

And if Groom has any sense he'll go a step further and include the wee guy as a pageboy or ring bearer.

If the groom has any sense, he'll stop making decisions without the bride or there won't be a wedding at all.

We had a child-free wedding, but invited very close relations. In our case that was our niece and nephew. They left by the evening and no other children attended.

We had a child free wedding - there were no close family children at time - but made an exception for myDH’s godson and his sister.

After the latest update from OP, it’s clear there are deeper issues here, beyond the BIL child fiasco. This is triggering red flags all over.

What entitled nonsense.

What a shame that you and your partner don't really know his son, maybe the wedding will be a bonding experience for the three of you 😀

We had a child free wedding and no regrets. I would be bloody annoyed with my soon to be husband in your shoes. Can you spin it that he’s an exception as a nephew or are there loads of nephews / nieces?

What?!

To be honest, if you choose a child free wedding you need to expect people to refuse to come. In his brothers position I would have refused to attend. I think child free weddings are very indulgent, the only exception being I don’t think it’s wrong to not invite the children of work colleagues or evening guests, expecting family to magic childcare is ridiculous

I didn’t want children at my wedding but there was one who I couldn’t omit. The only child at our wedding was my niece who was two. I’m all for having a child free wedding but not inviting your niece or nephew is just mean and I don’t blame them for being upset.
Is leaving your fiancé’s nephew out of the wedding worth the potential lifetime of bitterness from your in-laws? Because you will be the one blamed not your fiance.

You’re entitled to your views, this bride is entitled to her views. And it’s her wedding not yours. Stick to your guns OP

I’m having flower girls: they just happen to be 4 of my octogenarian great aunts!

I love this! Stick to your guns and have the wedding you and your fiance really want. If his family don't respect your choices then that says a lot about them. weddings are about the couple, the days of it all being about FAAAAMMMMILLLY are thankfully over. Especially as this is MN and we know they are all going to end up no contact with the in laws within 6 months anyway 🤑

What do you mean what?

If Ops having a bunch of oldies for flower girl and other brides maids why shouldn't the Groom inc his nephew as part of the wedding party?

Child free weddings are pretentious and selfish, sorry. It’s one thing excluding children, quite another excluding children who are actual family members. Especially older children who know they are being left out. You say you don’t know him, but yet you call him a PITA? Presumably your fiance knows him, given he’s his nephew?
Right old mess you’re in isnt it?

Child free means child free. And as the B&G you are free to make any exceptions you wish. Being a PITA is a fair enough excuse to not want someone there on your special day.
We were predominantly CF too at our wedding with the exception of a couple of older kids of our friends who we have known for years and we knew the their behaviour would probably be better than most adults.